Ive been hesitant to come to the conclusion of this memory. I enjoyed sharing it, and hoped that my message would get across accurately, but in my mind I was scared at the thought of having to describe what happened in the wake of my horrible decisions. I now have to admit my guilt and my shame to everyone, something Ive never really done before.
Truth be told, I was hoping I wouldnt be able to get this out. I had hoped that something would have happened to me to grant me the inability to form these words; a car crash, broken fingers, loss of internet service anything would have sufficed.
but its time now
and theres no place for me to hide
********************
i'd burn alive to keep you warm / when you're alone / shiver under blankets in the basement / where our secrets sleep / you pour the liquor on the staircase, girl / pass the flask and close your eyes.
It had been a few months since we broke up when I started talking to Her again. We decided that we could still be friends despite what had happened between us. After all, I had told her she would never lose me and I, if anything, am a man of my word (as worthless as it had now become).
Oddly enough, we had reverted back to the way we used to be; we would be together at any moment she had to spare during the day and any moment I was not with Yoli at night. I didnt realize it before, but she was desperately trying to win my affection then. She changed everything about herself that I had ever commented on.
For example: she had always worn jeans and t-shirts when we were together, and I made the off-hand comment one day about how I would like to see her in a skirt or dress sometime. Now she wore nothing but skirts, dresses, and short shorts. She would always wear Vans or DCs before, but now she wore platforms and cute sandals. She was trying to become the girl that she thought I wanted.
She had even gone so far as to wear makeup. Let me just explain a bit; she never wore makeup. She had a natural beauty that did not need to be covered up by unnatural products. The most she ever wore before was lip gloss (and only because I liked to lick it off of her lips), and now she was wearing mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick.
She was trying to be what I thought I wanted
are you grieving for (are you grieving for) what we've become?
are you running from (are you running from) that room?
It was a Monday when it happened. She had decided she did not want to go to school, and I had done the same. I was about to head out to my friends house when she called me. She asked me why I wasnt at school, and I told her it was for the same reason she didnt; it was a beach weather day. To which she responded with the inevitable question: would I like to go to the beach with her?
I, of course, said yes. Who in their right mind would pass up the opportunity to spend the day with one of their greatest friends? Especially when said friend look as good in a bikini as she did? So I packed up my stuff (shorts, towel, sunglasses, sun block for her, and cd player w/cds) and told her Id be there in 30 min. I hoped on my board, went down to the liquor store to get a drink, and left for the trolley to go to her house.
I arrived as soon as I said I would, but she was apparently not ready. She answered the door in a towel, her hair dripping wet, and told me to wait for a sec in the living room while she got ready. I knew the drill already (after all, we had been friends for 6 years and this had happened all the time) so I went straight for the stereo to put on some music, since it was going to be awhile.
I remember I put on my Sinatra album, and was sitting around when she called for me. She said she needed help zipping up, and asked if I could help her if it wasnt too weird. I said sure, and walked down the hallway to her room.
we set the evidence on fire / we light cigarettes and chase out old regrets / are you grieving for (are you grieving for) / what are you grieving for tonight? / i smell the sulfur on her skin (breathe in)
I walked into her room thinking that she needed help with her zipper, but was greeted by her naked body standing in the middle of the room. I turned my head quickly, thinking that I had caught her while she was changing, and muttered something to the lines of sorry. She, however, was not.
I stood there, with my head turned and my eyes closed, waiting for her to tell me when she was clothed so I could help her. I could hear my heart beating in my chest when she walked over to me and grabbed my hand. I was still not looking when she placed my hand on her breast. I could feel her heart beat with mine in that moment.
I turned to her, placed my free hand on her cheek, and kissed her softly on the lips. When I pulled back, she looked deep into me, and said I need you now. I was more than happy to oblige.
id burn alive to keep you warm
Even though I was now officially with the New girl, I was sleeping with Her now. She would come over, watch movies, hang out, and then we would eventually have sex. This went on for 6 months, and I was in heaven.
I was such a selfish, pathetic little piece of shit. Why didnt I see what was really going on? I know now that she was doing it in the hopes that I would someday wake up and realize that she was the one for me. That I would see that she would do anything for me. I never saw it though. And that was my downfall
what are you grieving for?
It was a Friday when she told me. She was pregnant. She didnt know what she would do, but was hopeful that I would. I never once asked if it was mine; I knew it was. I told her that it was really her choice (since I am, and have always been, pro choice), and that if she chose to keep it I would obviously support her as best as I could. I had a steady job by then, and was pulling in decent money for my age.
Mind you, I could never have supported us both then
She didnt talk to me for a few weeks after that, and I thought it was because she was thinking and wanted time alone. I granted what I thought was her wish. I stayed away from her and instead hung out more with my new friends and partner. It was during this time that I was arrested and thrown in jail (which is a story for another time).
Upon my release, no one talked to me save for Her. She was the first person to call me, since I was under house arrest when I was finally released, and the first person to visit me when I was released from house arrest and granted probation.
When she finally came over, I was hungry. I needed her then, but she didnt seem interested. I took it as a sign that she had decided to find someone new, and that the time of Her and I had ended. What I didnt expect, was what came next.
yesterday will be the end of you and I / yesterday will be the end of shoulders where we rest our head / now we grieve for tomorrow / goes on without us / now we breathe for no one else
She told me she had and abortion. She didnt know if she would have been able to keep my child and not been with me, and that if someday I had decided that I wanted to be with her and start a family, then she would happily oblige, but for now she did not want to be a statistic. She did not want to be a single mother while her childs father ran around with various girls.
I was quiet for quite some time. The thought of having a child never really sunk in until that moment. And now it had been taken away. I wasnt angry with her. No, I was furious with myself. I had not realized soon enough that I wanted her, and that I wanted a child with her. I had been to involved in my asinine life to fully grasp what it was that was going on around me. I began to hate myself that day.
I went to sit next to her, to hold her and comfort her, but she got up and left. I could her muffled cries as she left my apartment that day, and it seemed all too familiar. I had been there once before I had caused this pain before and I had still not learned a thing.
the part I didnt mention of that conversation was that there was a complication with the operation. Something went wrong and she is no longer able to have children. Shes not sure what happened, and she said the doctors couldnt really tell either, but she was now rendered useless in that sense. And it was my fault.
everything is broken slowly sinking under / waiting for tomorrow / waiting for the grave / to tell me she is lonely / open up and hold me / slowly feel my body becoming one and only
It was then that I decided I had done enough. I had caused something horrible to happen, and I needed to pay for it. During the beginnings of Christianity (and essentially all religions) up until well now, there was a phrase for what needed to be done to pay penance for the worst sins. There was only one way to absolve yourself of what you had done.
And even though I knew I could never fully redeem myself from that, I new what had to be done. I heard it in my head as though someone were chanting it in my ear. It was inevitable
Blood is the cleanser.
DEATH IS JUST AN EXCUSE TO FORGET YOU
I went to sleep that night knowing that I would not be going anywhere tomorrow. I rested my head, made my peace with the world and myself, and closed my eyes. I could still hear her words as they resonated in my mind. I could still hear the choked tears as the begged to be released from her eyes.
And it was my entire fault.
I woke up in the morning, kissed my mother farewell as she went off to work, and went back into my room. I cleaned out everything I didnt want anyone to find, and straightened everything up. I made my bed, vacuumed, and dusted before I got ready. I wrote a small apology to everyone for the things I had done in my life, and left the names of a few good singers and bass players for my band to look up in my absence.
I walked downstairs and went to the liquor store again, to get a last soda. I really wanted to drink a Stewarts Cream Soda, but they were out. I remember I ended up buying a Hansens Natural Soda instead. Orange flavored.
now we run from ourselves
hope lies not in the mirror
I went back into the house and into the kitchen. I made a small lunch since I was hungry (just a sandwich) and took out one of the knives to cut it. I then made my way to my bathroom and drew a bath. I disrobed and folded my clothes neatly on the bed, kissed my pet mouse one last time (left him a few snacks), and took one last bath.
After the bath was over, I let the water drain from the tub and turned on the shower. I thought about it for a while the water would do most of the cleaning for them, so there wouldnt be much of a mess when I was done.
I sat there, on one end of the tub while the water from the showerhead cleansed the other half, and thought to myself. I thought about all the wrong I had done, all the people I had hurt, and how much things would be different if it was just all over. I should never have been allowed to do the things I did. I never should have been allowed to hurt the people I did.
It was getting late now (it was around 5 PM), and I knew that I would have to do it soon since my mother would be returning from work in a few hours. I needed enough time to be done with it and allow the water to clean the mess. But nothing works out the way I want it to
I drew a new bath and made myself comfortable. I lay there, in the bath, and cried a little. Even though I knew what had to be done, I was still a little scared of the penance I would have to pay in the next life. I knew there was nothing good waiting for me there, and I knew I deserved it, but I couldnt help but be scared. I am human after all.
I reached over for my bottle of vicodins and took out all that were remaining (13). I took one final drink of my soda to wash them down, and sat in the tub to await the dark. The last thing I thought about was how sorry I was for Her, and that I had hoped this would allow her a little comfort.
Gods I was sorry
now we run from ourselves
hope lies not in the mirror
I came to in the hospital. Apparently, my mother had come home early because she wanted to visit her mother and had passed by to see if I wanted to go. When she found me, she thought I was just asleep in the tub until she saw the bottle. She had called the ambulance and they rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.
I later asked her how she found me, in what state was my body. She told me my head was tilted back, hitting the wall, and the rest of me was lying in the tub. I wondered why I hadnt just sunk into the bathtub and drowned, but then I realized the answer: I was too tall for it. There was no room for me to actually slip into the tub. I had put my feet flat against the edge and had essentially got stuck in that position (the ambulance workers later confirmed it).
I was released into the local Psychiatric hospital and stayed there for a few months after that. I thought a lot about what I had done while I was in there. I realized the stupidity of my actions and now know that death could not make up for what I did.
Ive since spent my life trying to atone for my mistakes. A life filled with penance is better than a death absolving one.
i'd burn alive for you
I ran back into her earlier this year. She was still working there, and still finishing her schoolwork. Shes in place to become a forensic pathologist soon. She may be one now. We tried to go out again, to see if we could make it work, but I couldnt look her in the eye. I couldnt bear the thought of her touching me again when all Ive done is destroy her.
after all this she still wanted to be with me
i'd burn alive for you
A lot of people tell me its not entirely my fault. That it was her decision to have the operation done, and that it was the doctors that messed it up. But I know better. It was my selfish and petty decisions that led to this. It was my doing. I am to blame.
Man was not made for happiness. He earns it, and only through suffering
-Fyodor Dostoevsky
Hopefully, someday, my penance will be fulfilled though I doubt it will in this life.
i'd burn alive for you
-The Bled: Porcelain Hearts And Hammers For Teeth
********************
The End.
Please forgive the length of this post; there was a lot to write about. And Ill understand if you no longer wish to speak to me. Though I thank you for reading this.
Truth be told, I was hoping I wouldnt be able to get this out. I had hoped that something would have happened to me to grant me the inability to form these words; a car crash, broken fingers, loss of internet service anything would have sufficed.
but its time now
and theres no place for me to hide
********************
i'd burn alive to keep you warm / when you're alone / shiver under blankets in the basement / where our secrets sleep / you pour the liquor on the staircase, girl / pass the flask and close your eyes.
It had been a few months since we broke up when I started talking to Her again. We decided that we could still be friends despite what had happened between us. After all, I had told her she would never lose me and I, if anything, am a man of my word (as worthless as it had now become).
Oddly enough, we had reverted back to the way we used to be; we would be together at any moment she had to spare during the day and any moment I was not with Yoli at night. I didnt realize it before, but she was desperately trying to win my affection then. She changed everything about herself that I had ever commented on.
For example: she had always worn jeans and t-shirts when we were together, and I made the off-hand comment one day about how I would like to see her in a skirt or dress sometime. Now she wore nothing but skirts, dresses, and short shorts. She would always wear Vans or DCs before, but now she wore platforms and cute sandals. She was trying to become the girl that she thought I wanted.
She had even gone so far as to wear makeup. Let me just explain a bit; she never wore makeup. She had a natural beauty that did not need to be covered up by unnatural products. The most she ever wore before was lip gloss (and only because I liked to lick it off of her lips), and now she was wearing mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick.
She was trying to be what I thought I wanted
are you grieving for (are you grieving for) what we've become?
are you running from (are you running from) that room?
It was a Monday when it happened. She had decided she did not want to go to school, and I had done the same. I was about to head out to my friends house when she called me. She asked me why I wasnt at school, and I told her it was for the same reason she didnt; it was a beach weather day. To which she responded with the inevitable question: would I like to go to the beach with her?
I, of course, said yes. Who in their right mind would pass up the opportunity to spend the day with one of their greatest friends? Especially when said friend look as good in a bikini as she did? So I packed up my stuff (shorts, towel, sunglasses, sun block for her, and cd player w/cds) and told her Id be there in 30 min. I hoped on my board, went down to the liquor store to get a drink, and left for the trolley to go to her house.
I arrived as soon as I said I would, but she was apparently not ready. She answered the door in a towel, her hair dripping wet, and told me to wait for a sec in the living room while she got ready. I knew the drill already (after all, we had been friends for 6 years and this had happened all the time) so I went straight for the stereo to put on some music, since it was going to be awhile.
I remember I put on my Sinatra album, and was sitting around when she called for me. She said she needed help zipping up, and asked if I could help her if it wasnt too weird. I said sure, and walked down the hallway to her room.
we set the evidence on fire / we light cigarettes and chase out old regrets / are you grieving for (are you grieving for) / what are you grieving for tonight? / i smell the sulfur on her skin (breathe in)
I walked into her room thinking that she needed help with her zipper, but was greeted by her naked body standing in the middle of the room. I turned my head quickly, thinking that I had caught her while she was changing, and muttered something to the lines of sorry. She, however, was not.
I stood there, with my head turned and my eyes closed, waiting for her to tell me when she was clothed so I could help her. I could hear my heart beating in my chest when she walked over to me and grabbed my hand. I was still not looking when she placed my hand on her breast. I could feel her heart beat with mine in that moment.
I turned to her, placed my free hand on her cheek, and kissed her softly on the lips. When I pulled back, she looked deep into me, and said I need you now. I was more than happy to oblige.
id burn alive to keep you warm
Even though I was now officially with the New girl, I was sleeping with Her now. She would come over, watch movies, hang out, and then we would eventually have sex. This went on for 6 months, and I was in heaven.
I was such a selfish, pathetic little piece of shit. Why didnt I see what was really going on? I know now that she was doing it in the hopes that I would someday wake up and realize that she was the one for me. That I would see that she would do anything for me. I never saw it though. And that was my downfall
what are you grieving for?
It was a Friday when she told me. She was pregnant. She didnt know what she would do, but was hopeful that I would. I never once asked if it was mine; I knew it was. I told her that it was really her choice (since I am, and have always been, pro choice), and that if she chose to keep it I would obviously support her as best as I could. I had a steady job by then, and was pulling in decent money for my age.
Mind you, I could never have supported us both then
She didnt talk to me for a few weeks after that, and I thought it was because she was thinking and wanted time alone. I granted what I thought was her wish. I stayed away from her and instead hung out more with my new friends and partner. It was during this time that I was arrested and thrown in jail (which is a story for another time).
Upon my release, no one talked to me save for Her. She was the first person to call me, since I was under house arrest when I was finally released, and the first person to visit me when I was released from house arrest and granted probation.
When she finally came over, I was hungry. I needed her then, but she didnt seem interested. I took it as a sign that she had decided to find someone new, and that the time of Her and I had ended. What I didnt expect, was what came next.
yesterday will be the end of you and I / yesterday will be the end of shoulders where we rest our head / now we grieve for tomorrow / goes on without us / now we breathe for no one else
She told me she had and abortion. She didnt know if she would have been able to keep my child and not been with me, and that if someday I had decided that I wanted to be with her and start a family, then she would happily oblige, but for now she did not want to be a statistic. She did not want to be a single mother while her childs father ran around with various girls.
I was quiet for quite some time. The thought of having a child never really sunk in until that moment. And now it had been taken away. I wasnt angry with her. No, I was furious with myself. I had not realized soon enough that I wanted her, and that I wanted a child with her. I had been to involved in my asinine life to fully grasp what it was that was going on around me. I began to hate myself that day.
I went to sit next to her, to hold her and comfort her, but she got up and left. I could her muffled cries as she left my apartment that day, and it seemed all too familiar. I had been there once before I had caused this pain before and I had still not learned a thing.
the part I didnt mention of that conversation was that there was a complication with the operation. Something went wrong and she is no longer able to have children. Shes not sure what happened, and she said the doctors couldnt really tell either, but she was now rendered useless in that sense. And it was my fault.
everything is broken slowly sinking under / waiting for tomorrow / waiting for the grave / to tell me she is lonely / open up and hold me / slowly feel my body becoming one and only
It was then that I decided I had done enough. I had caused something horrible to happen, and I needed to pay for it. During the beginnings of Christianity (and essentially all religions) up until well now, there was a phrase for what needed to be done to pay penance for the worst sins. There was only one way to absolve yourself of what you had done.
And even though I knew I could never fully redeem myself from that, I new what had to be done. I heard it in my head as though someone were chanting it in my ear. It was inevitable
Blood is the cleanser.
DEATH IS JUST AN EXCUSE TO FORGET YOU
I went to sleep that night knowing that I would not be going anywhere tomorrow. I rested my head, made my peace with the world and myself, and closed my eyes. I could still hear her words as they resonated in my mind. I could still hear the choked tears as the begged to be released from her eyes.
And it was my entire fault.
I woke up in the morning, kissed my mother farewell as she went off to work, and went back into my room. I cleaned out everything I didnt want anyone to find, and straightened everything up. I made my bed, vacuumed, and dusted before I got ready. I wrote a small apology to everyone for the things I had done in my life, and left the names of a few good singers and bass players for my band to look up in my absence.
I walked downstairs and went to the liquor store again, to get a last soda. I really wanted to drink a Stewarts Cream Soda, but they were out. I remember I ended up buying a Hansens Natural Soda instead. Orange flavored.
now we run from ourselves
hope lies not in the mirror
I went back into the house and into the kitchen. I made a small lunch since I was hungry (just a sandwich) and took out one of the knives to cut it. I then made my way to my bathroom and drew a bath. I disrobed and folded my clothes neatly on the bed, kissed my pet mouse one last time (left him a few snacks), and took one last bath.
After the bath was over, I let the water drain from the tub and turned on the shower. I thought about it for a while the water would do most of the cleaning for them, so there wouldnt be much of a mess when I was done.
I sat there, on one end of the tub while the water from the showerhead cleansed the other half, and thought to myself. I thought about all the wrong I had done, all the people I had hurt, and how much things would be different if it was just all over. I should never have been allowed to do the things I did. I never should have been allowed to hurt the people I did.
It was getting late now (it was around 5 PM), and I knew that I would have to do it soon since my mother would be returning from work in a few hours. I needed enough time to be done with it and allow the water to clean the mess. But nothing works out the way I want it to
I drew a new bath and made myself comfortable. I lay there, in the bath, and cried a little. Even though I knew what had to be done, I was still a little scared of the penance I would have to pay in the next life. I knew there was nothing good waiting for me there, and I knew I deserved it, but I couldnt help but be scared. I am human after all.
I reached over for my bottle of vicodins and took out all that were remaining (13). I took one final drink of my soda to wash them down, and sat in the tub to await the dark. The last thing I thought about was how sorry I was for Her, and that I had hoped this would allow her a little comfort.
Gods I was sorry
now we run from ourselves
hope lies not in the mirror
I came to in the hospital. Apparently, my mother had come home early because she wanted to visit her mother and had passed by to see if I wanted to go. When she found me, she thought I was just asleep in the tub until she saw the bottle. She had called the ambulance and they rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.
I later asked her how she found me, in what state was my body. She told me my head was tilted back, hitting the wall, and the rest of me was lying in the tub. I wondered why I hadnt just sunk into the bathtub and drowned, but then I realized the answer: I was too tall for it. There was no room for me to actually slip into the tub. I had put my feet flat against the edge and had essentially got stuck in that position (the ambulance workers later confirmed it).
I was released into the local Psychiatric hospital and stayed there for a few months after that. I thought a lot about what I had done while I was in there. I realized the stupidity of my actions and now know that death could not make up for what I did.
Ive since spent my life trying to atone for my mistakes. A life filled with penance is better than a death absolving one.
i'd burn alive for you
I ran back into her earlier this year. She was still working there, and still finishing her schoolwork. Shes in place to become a forensic pathologist soon. She may be one now. We tried to go out again, to see if we could make it work, but I couldnt look her in the eye. I couldnt bear the thought of her touching me again when all Ive done is destroy her.
after all this she still wanted to be with me
i'd burn alive for you
A lot of people tell me its not entirely my fault. That it was her decision to have the operation done, and that it was the doctors that messed it up. But I know better. It was my selfish and petty decisions that led to this. It was my doing. I am to blame.
Man was not made for happiness. He earns it, and only through suffering
-Fyodor Dostoevsky
Hopefully, someday, my penance will be fulfilled though I doubt it will in this life.
i'd burn alive for you
-The Bled: Porcelain Hearts And Hammers For Teeth
********************
The End.
Please forgive the length of this post; there was a lot to write about. And Ill understand if you no longer wish to speak to me. Though I thank you for reading this.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
we shall see