And now we have part three of my story. Im sorry if it seems like its dragging on, but Ive been busy with Xmas and meeting new / cool people. And, truth be told, writing this puts me in a horribly depressed mood but I write it because I want to share.
So please do read this, and forgive me if you think its poorly written. I am a horrible excuse for a writer, and place the blame for this atrocity I call a story squarely on KRIS7 yet again.
********************
i'll tell you why i don't want to know where you are / i got a joke i been dying to tell you / the silent kid is looking down the barrel / to make the noise that i kept so quiet / i kept it from you, pitseleh
I was in my senior year of high school when it happened. She had already gone on to college since she was a year older than me. She would, on occasion, come by to see me after school though. We would sit around and talk, go to this little pizza joint that was a block away, or back to my house and hang out. Either way, she was fine with it. You could tell she just wanted to be with me.
We would often talk of her new classes and school. She would tell me about all the new friends she made, and what they did when they hung out. One thing I did notice through all the stories she told me was that all the friends she seemed to be making were male. Well, not all of them, but the majority. And I was fine with it (lying) since I knew she preferred the company of boys to girls. After all, thats how we met.
But I couldnt help thinking that maybe she wanted something else. Like, maybe I was just some stupid little high school kid she hung out with while her real self was being offered to some college boy. I knew in my heart that it just wasnt true, but I couldnt help thinking it. I knew she would never do something like that to me. After all she loved me. But she was just so beautiful. I knew there had to be someone chasing her there. So was too perfect not to chase.
Gods I loved her
Months went by and it stayed the same. Some days I would see her, and some days I would not. On the days I would not, I would hang out with my newly acquired friends and band mates since all of my old friends were older than me and had all moved on to college as well. We would sit around someones house drinking/smoking, rehearsing, or watching TV. There wasnt very much excitement to be had until she started showing up.
Her name was Yoli. She was a stunningly gorgeous Mexican girl with deep brown eyes, soft pale skin, and (alpha-male alert) the largest pair of breasts that could fit on her 54 frame. Now, Im not one to toss aside a loving relationship with someone for a meager pair of breasts, but as I previously stated: I was a teenager.
I remember the first time I met her. I was in summer school to retaking my history classes, since I never showed up for the first ones, and was told they had lost my locator card (a card which details my classes and what rooms they would be in). According to them, I never signed up for any classes. Normally, something like that would have sent me over the edge, but there were 20+ other students who were misplaced as well so I took it in stride.
They herded us into the gymnasium and told us to stay there while they attempted to find our papers. I sat down on the north far right hand side of the gym, on the top bleacher. I figured no one would come sit next to me, or even talk to me. But I was wrong
i'm not what's missing from your life now / i could never be the puzzle pieces / they say that god makes problems / just to see what you can stand / before you do as the devil pleases
She walked in as though she was oblivious to her surroundings. She merely stepped into the gym, look around, locked on me (ME!) and walked toward me without breaking eye contact. Every male in there was staring at her. She was THE example of Mexican beauty, and she was coming my way. Im not sure why I remember this, but she was wearing a pair of dirty, ratted Docs: black leather with her pants pulled into them and the laces undone.
She sat down next to me and introduced herself. I introduced myself, nervously, and told her that I had seen her a few times at parties and whatnot. She mentioned that she had seen me too, but never had the nerve to come talk to me. My heart skipped a beat when I heard that. I asked her why she was speaking to me now, since she didnt have the nerve to do so before. She turned to me, smiled softly, and said, Because I dont like anyone else here
and give up the thing you love
We hung out all the time after that. Never during school hours though, because I had gone to this school to be with my friends Michelle and Reza, and would forever be harassed if I separated from them. But anytime I wasnt with Her, I was with my new friends and Yoli. I was enamored with her after only one week. I wanted to be with her more than anything, but she would not have me since I was already in a relationship.
I was already in a relationship.
So I did what I thought I had to do. I discarded Her. I rationalized it by thinking that she had already been lost to me. That I had actually lost her when she first went to college. That there was no way she could still love me since I was nothing but a poor, ugly, stupid high school punk. Hell, I was still getting into fights at the drop of a hat. But now I realize the truth. She loved me, no matter what. She never would have left me, and only did so because I told her to.
but no one deserves it
The night we broke up was cold. Not physically, but emotionally. She had come over again to watch some movies. I had found a copy of the Six String Samurai and she was eager to watch it, since I was always raving about how good it was. We sat around and watched about 20 minutes of it before our clothes came off. I knew we were never going to watch the movie, and she knew we were never going to watch the movie, but we hid behind the pretense of movie watching nonetheless. It made things seem more passionate, more spontaneous.
I remember that last night together as a couple. She was more giving and more nurturing than I had ever experienced her, and I quickly changed my tactics from being wild, unbridled fucking to passionate love making. We spent the next 5 hours locked in each others arms, breathing each others breath, and being each others skin. I can still smell her scent now. The sweet nectar from her body forming between her legs when she was excited, and spurring me on to give her more pleasure
After the nights fun had been had, we sat around on my bed naked. She never wanted to wear clothes when she was with me and I loved it. She had once told me that she never liked to be naked, but that being around me always put her at so much ease that she felt she had to be naked. I never complained since I adored looking at he naked form. A petite Asian girl with pretty almond brown eyes, short silken black hair, smooth pale skin, tiny / dainty fingers and toes, a perfectly round bottom, and breasts so large they defied her size and the laws of nature. How could I not want to see her perfect form?
but I digress
We sat around for about an hour. I was sitting at the head of my bed, my back to the wall with one knee up to my chest. She sat next to me; her head resting on my chest while her legs dangled of the side of my bed. She shook her left leg, almost as though she had a nervous twitch, and I knew she could tell something was wrong.
She asked me what I was thinking since I had been silent for quite a while. I told her nothing was wrong, that I was merely thinking. I also told her that I really wanted a smoke, to which she answered by pinching my inner thigh (she hated smokers since her mother was one and her grandfather had cancer because of it). I didnt flinch, since she did this all the time, but instead I bent down and kissed her on the forehead.
She asked again, and this time I told her. I told her that I was worried that we were drifting apart. That she was in a new world, and I would never get to be a part of it. She was in college, and studying to be something grand, but I would always be nothing. I could never rise above my station, and in truth never have. She told me that nothing mattered as long as we were together, but I didnt hear it.
I also told her that I was afraid she would find someone else. Someone richer, smarter, stronger, and better looking than me that would sweep her off her feet and I would be left in the cold dark again. She said there was no way there could be someone that would ever make her leave me, that she would always love me and never leave. But she hesitated when she said it. She looked down at the floor before she said that, quickly, but she did it nonetheless. And this drove me on. This made me think that what I was doing was right.
the first time i saw you i knew it would never last / i'm not half what i wish i was / i'm so angry / i don't think it'll ever pass / and i was bad news for you just because
I said I needed a break. I wanted her to go out and be with more people, to experience life like a normal girl her age, without the limitations of a relationship. And if after all that she still wanted to be together, we would be together. I thought this was the right thing to do. I thought this was what I needed to do. My fears of her leaving me, and the prospect of a new love, had convinced me this was the right thing to do.
She looked at me for a while. In complete silence she stood there, looking deep into me. As though she was trying to find the root of this statement. As if there was something else driving me to do this, some unforeseen force that if discovered would leave and revert me to the person she once knew. But she could not find it. It wasnt there to find.
She finally said ok. If that were what I truly wanted, then she would not stop me. She said she merely wanted me to know that she loved me, and would wait for me since there was no one else she wanted to be with. In my mind she was already gone. She quickly got dressed, kissed me on the lips one last time, and left.
She closed the door slowly when she left, and I knew it was because she was hoping I would change my mind. She was hoping I would run to her, pull her into me, and tell her I was sorry. That I would never want her to go that I would always want her to be mine. But I didnt. I let the love of my life, the one woman I ever wanted to spend my last days with, walk out that door. No I threw her out the door. And she was giving me the option of taking it back. After all I said and did, she still wanted me to stop her.
I still wish I had
i never meant to hurt you
-Elliot Smith: Pitseleh
********************
More to follow later
So please do read this, and forgive me if you think its poorly written. I am a horrible excuse for a writer, and place the blame for this atrocity I call a story squarely on KRIS7 yet again.
********************
i'll tell you why i don't want to know where you are / i got a joke i been dying to tell you / the silent kid is looking down the barrel / to make the noise that i kept so quiet / i kept it from you, pitseleh
I was in my senior year of high school when it happened. She had already gone on to college since she was a year older than me. She would, on occasion, come by to see me after school though. We would sit around and talk, go to this little pizza joint that was a block away, or back to my house and hang out. Either way, she was fine with it. You could tell she just wanted to be with me.
We would often talk of her new classes and school. She would tell me about all the new friends she made, and what they did when they hung out. One thing I did notice through all the stories she told me was that all the friends she seemed to be making were male. Well, not all of them, but the majority. And I was fine with it (lying) since I knew she preferred the company of boys to girls. After all, thats how we met.
But I couldnt help thinking that maybe she wanted something else. Like, maybe I was just some stupid little high school kid she hung out with while her real self was being offered to some college boy. I knew in my heart that it just wasnt true, but I couldnt help thinking it. I knew she would never do something like that to me. After all she loved me. But she was just so beautiful. I knew there had to be someone chasing her there. So was too perfect not to chase.
Gods I loved her
Months went by and it stayed the same. Some days I would see her, and some days I would not. On the days I would not, I would hang out with my newly acquired friends and band mates since all of my old friends were older than me and had all moved on to college as well. We would sit around someones house drinking/smoking, rehearsing, or watching TV. There wasnt very much excitement to be had until she started showing up.
Her name was Yoli. She was a stunningly gorgeous Mexican girl with deep brown eyes, soft pale skin, and (alpha-male alert) the largest pair of breasts that could fit on her 54 frame. Now, Im not one to toss aside a loving relationship with someone for a meager pair of breasts, but as I previously stated: I was a teenager.
I remember the first time I met her. I was in summer school to retaking my history classes, since I never showed up for the first ones, and was told they had lost my locator card (a card which details my classes and what rooms they would be in). According to them, I never signed up for any classes. Normally, something like that would have sent me over the edge, but there were 20+ other students who were misplaced as well so I took it in stride.
They herded us into the gymnasium and told us to stay there while they attempted to find our papers. I sat down on the north far right hand side of the gym, on the top bleacher. I figured no one would come sit next to me, or even talk to me. But I was wrong
i'm not what's missing from your life now / i could never be the puzzle pieces / they say that god makes problems / just to see what you can stand / before you do as the devil pleases
She walked in as though she was oblivious to her surroundings. She merely stepped into the gym, look around, locked on me (ME!) and walked toward me without breaking eye contact. Every male in there was staring at her. She was THE example of Mexican beauty, and she was coming my way. Im not sure why I remember this, but she was wearing a pair of dirty, ratted Docs: black leather with her pants pulled into them and the laces undone.
She sat down next to me and introduced herself. I introduced myself, nervously, and told her that I had seen her a few times at parties and whatnot. She mentioned that she had seen me too, but never had the nerve to come talk to me. My heart skipped a beat when I heard that. I asked her why she was speaking to me now, since she didnt have the nerve to do so before. She turned to me, smiled softly, and said, Because I dont like anyone else here
and give up the thing you love
We hung out all the time after that. Never during school hours though, because I had gone to this school to be with my friends Michelle and Reza, and would forever be harassed if I separated from them. But anytime I wasnt with Her, I was with my new friends and Yoli. I was enamored with her after only one week. I wanted to be with her more than anything, but she would not have me since I was already in a relationship.
I was already in a relationship.
So I did what I thought I had to do. I discarded Her. I rationalized it by thinking that she had already been lost to me. That I had actually lost her when she first went to college. That there was no way she could still love me since I was nothing but a poor, ugly, stupid high school punk. Hell, I was still getting into fights at the drop of a hat. But now I realize the truth. She loved me, no matter what. She never would have left me, and only did so because I told her to.
but no one deserves it
The night we broke up was cold. Not physically, but emotionally. She had come over again to watch some movies. I had found a copy of the Six String Samurai and she was eager to watch it, since I was always raving about how good it was. We sat around and watched about 20 minutes of it before our clothes came off. I knew we were never going to watch the movie, and she knew we were never going to watch the movie, but we hid behind the pretense of movie watching nonetheless. It made things seem more passionate, more spontaneous.
I remember that last night together as a couple. She was more giving and more nurturing than I had ever experienced her, and I quickly changed my tactics from being wild, unbridled fucking to passionate love making. We spent the next 5 hours locked in each others arms, breathing each others breath, and being each others skin. I can still smell her scent now. The sweet nectar from her body forming between her legs when she was excited, and spurring me on to give her more pleasure
After the nights fun had been had, we sat around on my bed naked. She never wanted to wear clothes when she was with me and I loved it. She had once told me that she never liked to be naked, but that being around me always put her at so much ease that she felt she had to be naked. I never complained since I adored looking at he naked form. A petite Asian girl with pretty almond brown eyes, short silken black hair, smooth pale skin, tiny / dainty fingers and toes, a perfectly round bottom, and breasts so large they defied her size and the laws of nature. How could I not want to see her perfect form?
but I digress
We sat around for about an hour. I was sitting at the head of my bed, my back to the wall with one knee up to my chest. She sat next to me; her head resting on my chest while her legs dangled of the side of my bed. She shook her left leg, almost as though she had a nervous twitch, and I knew she could tell something was wrong.
She asked me what I was thinking since I had been silent for quite a while. I told her nothing was wrong, that I was merely thinking. I also told her that I really wanted a smoke, to which she answered by pinching my inner thigh (she hated smokers since her mother was one and her grandfather had cancer because of it). I didnt flinch, since she did this all the time, but instead I bent down and kissed her on the forehead.
She asked again, and this time I told her. I told her that I was worried that we were drifting apart. That she was in a new world, and I would never get to be a part of it. She was in college, and studying to be something grand, but I would always be nothing. I could never rise above my station, and in truth never have. She told me that nothing mattered as long as we were together, but I didnt hear it.
I also told her that I was afraid she would find someone else. Someone richer, smarter, stronger, and better looking than me that would sweep her off her feet and I would be left in the cold dark again. She said there was no way there could be someone that would ever make her leave me, that she would always love me and never leave. But she hesitated when she said it. She looked down at the floor before she said that, quickly, but she did it nonetheless. And this drove me on. This made me think that what I was doing was right.
the first time i saw you i knew it would never last / i'm not half what i wish i was / i'm so angry / i don't think it'll ever pass / and i was bad news for you just because
I said I needed a break. I wanted her to go out and be with more people, to experience life like a normal girl her age, without the limitations of a relationship. And if after all that she still wanted to be together, we would be together. I thought this was the right thing to do. I thought this was what I needed to do. My fears of her leaving me, and the prospect of a new love, had convinced me this was the right thing to do.
She looked at me for a while. In complete silence she stood there, looking deep into me. As though she was trying to find the root of this statement. As if there was something else driving me to do this, some unforeseen force that if discovered would leave and revert me to the person she once knew. But she could not find it. It wasnt there to find.
She finally said ok. If that were what I truly wanted, then she would not stop me. She said she merely wanted me to know that she loved me, and would wait for me since there was no one else she wanted to be with. In my mind she was already gone. She quickly got dressed, kissed me on the lips one last time, and left.
She closed the door slowly when she left, and I knew it was because she was hoping I would change my mind. She was hoping I would run to her, pull her into me, and tell her I was sorry. That I would never want her to go that I would always want her to be mine. But I didnt. I let the love of my life, the one woman I ever wanted to spend my last days with, walk out that door. No I threw her out the door. And she was giving me the option of taking it back. After all I said and did, she still wanted me to stop her.
I still wish I had
i never meant to hurt you
-Elliot Smith: Pitseleh
********************
More to follow later
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Missed you guys too. How's your holiday going?
Anything new with you??
I'm gonna go back to reading your story now.
uummm
that is all