mexicant

Here in lies part 2 of The Ballad of First Love. For anyone that managed to miss the first part, please see my previous post if you would like. And again, I apologize if this comes out sounding trite; Im not really a writer after all. Im just trying to convey an emotion with some memories.

And if you still feel like blaming someone, blame Kris7. Its all his fault.

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we have both been here before / knockin' upon love's door / begging for someone to let us in / knowing this we can agree / to keep each other company / never to go down that road again

my beloved one

I was three towns away from familiarity when that happened, but I turned around and walked home anyways. El Patron was chasing me, telling me that he didnt believe I would just go crazy and beat someone up without reason, and that if I just gave my reasons everyone would understand. But I didnt feel like going back there and having her look at me like that again. I couldnt bear it.

So I walked. Alone.

I thought a lot that day. About how I could let something like that get to me. About why exactly that did get to me. During the four hours it took to get home, I realized that what I had done was not right. I had alienated my friends, and the girl I loved. And for what? What did I actually gain from it? What did I learn?

Nothing except that I was a violent bastard.

She didnt talk to me after that. She didnt even show the faintest hint of wanting to initiate contact with me. It wasnt until Gerry told me that they had broken up that I finally went to her. I remember she was sitting alone at a table underneath a tree during lunch when I approached her. I walked up behind her and placed my hand on her shoulder, lightly gripping her. She turned around slowly, looked me deep in the eyes, and started to open her mouth as though to say something. Before she could speak though, I said I was sorry. She clenched my hand a bit with hers, rested her head on it, and began to cry softly.

I never asked what happened, which is good because I knew she didnt want to talk about it and frankly, I didnt care. I just sat down next to her, held her in my arms, and let her cry gently onto me. I could feel her tears though my shirt, warm little droplets soaking up and forming little pools in the cotton. I cried a little too, but I cried because I was happy I had her back.

A few days went by and we were the same as before. We were together during the days, and inseparable at night. It was during one of those nights a few days later that I finally worked up the courage to ask her out.

your eyes shine through me / you are so divine to me / your heart has a home in mine / we won't have to say a word / with a touch all shall be heard / when I search my heart it's you I find

My beloved one

We were back in El Patrons van and he had gone inside a liquor store for some beer. I was sitting in the front passenger seat, and she was in the back/middle bench. She was sitting there, in a Bush t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of dirty Vans, playing with her short hair; twirling it with her index finger from her left hand while looking into the distance as though she were contemplating the very meaning of existence. (That moment is forever etched in my mind)

I turned around and asked her, clumsily, if she would ever consider going out with me. She hesitated for a moment, but finally said shed like to, but didnt know if she could stand to lose me if it didnt work out. She also said she knew we couldnt just go out, we would have to be something more than dating since we were so close to begin with. I told her I would hate to lose her too, but I couldnt stand having these feelings welling up inside me. I needed to know that she felt the same.

She looked at me deeply again, and told me she felt the same but was scared. She had never had a real boyfriend before, or at least one she could care deeply for. I moved to the back of the van with her and held her in my arms again. I pressed my lips against her forehead and told her, softly, that she would never lose me. No matter what, I wanted to be in her life and there was nothing that could change that. Nothing.

Gods I was so nave

We went out for the first time that weekend. I cant recall what movie we watched, or where we went to eat afterwards, but I do recall that I had never been happier. We walked down the streets hand in hand, I in my Weezer t-shirt and jeans, and her in her camo shirt, jeans, and my jacket (she was cold, and I was raised a gentleman). She leaned in close to me, gripping my arm with her whole body while we walked down the streets that night. I could feel the warmth of her body on mine, her breasts as they rose and fell with each breath I had never known true happiness until then.

I held her tightly in my arms at the end of the night, when I finally took her home. When I leaned in slowly for our first kiss though, there was no awkwardness, no laughter... only raw, sweet emotion on both our parts. I pressed my lips against hers, softly, and placed my hand on the side of her head; gently cupping her ear with my palm while my thumb was on her cheek. I had never felt so complete as I had at that moment. It seemed as though that was where I was meant to be, and I never wanted it to end.

We dated heavily for the next four years. We were always together, and everyone said we belonged together. To tell you the truth I believed it. She complimented me in every way a significant other should, and I gave her everything she could ever ask for.

I was fifteen when I finally convinced my mother that my father wasnt worth being with. I quickly got a job to help pay the bills, since there was a need for a male bread-winner. I was always at school or at work, but she didnt mind. She would walk with me from school to my job, and gave me a quick kiss on the lips when I had to go. In return, I showered her with every last cent I could spare, everything that wasnt financially tied to the house.

She was everything I could ever ask for. She was sweet and kind, understanding and forgiving. She knew what I liked, in and out of the bedroom, and indulged me as best she could. She even indulged my wicked little fantasies and pleasures, while I indulged and contributed to her own. Hmmm she was my alpha and my omega, and I never really understood it until it was too late.

Why didnt I see it sooner?

you were meant for me / I believe you were sent to me / from the dreams trailing to my heart / hold your body close to me / you mean the most to me / we will keep each other safe from harm

My Beloved One

-Ben Harper: Beloved One

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More later...