mexicant

lol that was silly

funky fresh

haha.. thanks. i'm not dangerous or rabid.. psychotic, maybe, but i blame that on my parents. i am very pregnant.

"mystery" stains... and its your step-dads old car? hmm.. i don't think i'd wanna know what they were, leave them a mystery. lol. other then those, the only problem i'd have with a car like that is the MT, i can't drive them to save my life. so, you're not alone in that dept.

Hey cutie! I know you've told me before but who's your tattoo artist there in SD? Believe it or not, I may be moving back to SD and I'm trying to make some decisions about my back piece. I've been to Avalon out in PB....any other suggestions or recommendations?

i hope you are okay

hi miss you kay bye

fuckin cute.

SSSLLLLAAAYYYYEEERRRR!!!
hehe, seemed like that needed a nice blood curtleing scream up there there.


and... AWWWWW..... hehe

hey sunshine

tag you are it!

Yes, very dissapointing.

Thanks for your note in my journal, my dear. I usually bounce back from most adversity pretty quickly but this one is a serious clusterfuck and I'm not doing so great with it. Here's to better days for both you and me.

hahaha.....I so wanna do that goldfish one.
Problem, I work in a pharmacy. No personal computers, or desks so its hard to mess with im on something when its all comminuty.

LOVE the bear! You just know there's gotta be some sweet little grandma out there that bought that and actually put it in her garden without full appreciation of its double meaning! She'll just go about watering her potted geraniums and be none the wiser.

(guess that makes her a pot head of a different sort) sorry, bad joke

How've you been, sweetie?

yea
so saturday?
still on?

..

?

p.s. your message was precious.

Lookie what I got today!


[Edited on May 12, 2006 9:47PM]

Holy shit man, I fucking LOVE the Maxx!

babydoll, i'm sorry there's a cloud around you.
let me know when you have time to talk, let's get yer ass in clear surroundings again.

Where ya been jelly bean?

do your insides hurt?

Oh, and you're welcome.

time and patience chico...better luck next time

I thank you for sharing such a deep thought. I want you to know that I hav those thoughs too. You are not alone. It is just maintaining life everyday. As far as children I speak from experience here and I really want you to listen. WAIT. It will be the next obvious step but give your self some time to mature. And you will. In a couple more years you will be ready and after you have grown as a couple you will make wonderful parents. You are such a deep caring man. And there is nothing in the book of life that says we will make the same mistakes as our parents. So far I have really fucked up my kids in some ways but not in the same way my mom did me. It is a guarentee you will mess up your kid some how but it doesn't have to involve bad bad things. You are wonderful. And your mom she just loves you and thinks that her way is right. Once you get out and have your own wife and family you will see that none of what she think matters all that matters is your wife and kids. That is who will be laying in your house at night. Not her. I could go on for days anyway I am glad you shared. I often ponder the what if I woulda's but I am here and I have learned through maturaty and nothing else that I am responsible for my life and descisions even if I don't like it. And so now I have learned to own it and take charge of it.

Damn man, that's some heavy shit.

I don't think you'll have to worry about screwing up your future kids lives. While the memories you have of growing up are largely unhappy ones, from those memories, you have an idea of what not to do. I think you are more than smart enough to use your past experiences and judgement to how to approach your role as a parent.

You and I have have often discussed how differently you were treated by your parents compared to your brother. That is, unfortunately a parenting pattern that is seen all over the world; the first son has the right to be the biggest fuck up in the world, and can do no wrong, but every child after that, can't seem to do anything right. You grew up with that, you know how shitty it feels and you wouldn't want any child of your own to feel that way right? Well, chalk that up as a lesson learned: love each child equally. Of course, this depends on how many kids you have, but still, you get the idea.

The long and the short of it is, DON"T PANIC! You sir, are a good man. I sure as hell wouldn't have stayed friends with you all these years if I thought you weren't.

Don't feel bad about your regrets, we all have them. I have never believed in the idea of "no regrets". To me, those without regrets, just have really convenient bouts of amnesia. The real key is keeping regret on a leash and not allowing it to devour you.

As far as the cutting goes, I think you should seriously get help for that in some way. I have a feeling seeing a shrink and doing that whole couch bit wouldn't be your thing, but there are other ways. Have you ever considered Art Therapy? My sister is studying it in school and it seems like something you could use to get some of those personal horror stories and regrets out of your system. I'm sure there is some kind of art therapy facility somewhere on your side of the country (you do after all, live in Cali ).

Keep your head up son. You are a good person. You are not a screw up, you just have more mistakes and bad situations to learn from than most people. There are so many people out there who have had childhoods like yours and they figure "well, that's how I was raised, and I turned out okay!" and they end up continuing the cycles. You, on the other hand, know where your parents went wrong, and you yourself went wrong. As far as being a good husband and father is considered, I'm certain that you are going into those roles with a clearer perspective than many many other people.