I've come to bring better news this time than the last post.
I have been in touch with a few amateur radio groups in my area after buying some HAM radios, and decided to pursue obtaining the entry level license associated with operating them. This came after frustration with work leading to the decision to buy the radios. The support from these groups has been surprisingly positive and even shown me a way to be active in my community with volunteer programs using those radios. All this has been a boost to my confidence and to helping me fight through the negativity I am working on removing from my past that has controlled my life so far.
On to the second item, I am going to be quitting smoking soon. I have products meant to help that effort and will be consulting the quit smoking programs available through work and my insurance company to formulate a plan/guide to work with to increase my chances of succeeding this time. No more half-assed efforts and letting obstacles derail me yet again.
I have learned to not be so short-sighted and as one saying goes "Not see the forest for the trees that are in it." Or something like it. I kept looking at things at face value and not going deeper, to see what lies within and the connections to other stuff. Too many times I have underestimated the situation and been blindsided because of it. I thought I was looking at life with my eyes wide open but now know I have just been squinting instead.
I have a confession to make as well. The first time I joined the Suicide Girls website (way back in 2002 or 2003), it was because I thought the models were hot. I was attracted to the physical beauty. I'm not saying that's strictly a bad thing though. I admired the girls for having the inner strength to be who they were and how they were. Since I have started interacting here more, and cleaning up my life, I have come to realize that what I have been really finding attractive was the inner beauty, the confidence and ability to be one's self. I used to be jealous of that. I haven't been myself and have been lacking that confidence to even try. Not anymore. I am not jealous of others being able to be who and how they are. I am regaining my own ability to be that way and have nothing to be jealous of, never did have a good reason to be to begin with. So that shit changed and continues to change. And I won't be stopping it anymore. To quote a character from the second Xmen movie, "Cause I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch."