mei

went to the library today. did some work, and am now taking a break. reading stanley fish and wolfgang iser - reader-response theory. it's fun. i'm arguing with them in my thesis.

the sky was reddish purple at school. fresh bruise colored. no clouds, just ambient light making everything surreal. i like to joke that the sky's that color because of a special vortex surrounding the college, sucking the life out of the students into a huge cloud in the sky.

i need a shower. or a bath. a hot, hot bath. mmm.. here's my poem about it..

while i'm taking my bath
i put my arm out the window
and watch my fingers steam and drip.
i am a goddess of water,
evaporating into the night.

kind of like jumping from a sauna into the snow - it's fun. i wish sometimes i could just dissipate like that, turning into a cloud to invisibly float around. for awhile, i believed that was what happened when we died. that memory is molecular, and when you die and you end up in the soil, you still remember, over and over again, little flashes caught up in endless loops. i was terrified for awhile, thinking that being caught in that loop sounded so scary; nostalgia without cease, with no way to build something new. that was when i was like 14, but i decided that didn't make sense soon after. it'd be far better if you were just a conscious mass of vapor, roaming around.

sat on the porch this morning, with an airline blanket around my shoulders, shivering. everything looked washed out like it does when it's cold. as though a slight bluish pallor had settled everywhere. the little new leaves on the lilac tree in the yard are starting to emerge, peeping like groundhogs afraid of seeing their shadows. my feet end up covered with tapped-off cigarette ash, grey and cold, like everything else. the cat twines under my bent knees, croakily meowing to be let into the warm house.