JOURNAL:
I am updating a lot right now because of the pain I am feeling almost constantly in my chest; I have not really decided whether or not it is a knot in my stomach or my heart bleeding from the rejection by my last love.
How much do I hate admitting I am in love... still, I cannot express to you the defeat I feel.
I am stronger than that; but I have not been in love before.
He has not called. He came by Sunday to pick up he faceplate for his radio and then promptly left me. I asked when we would see each other again, to do the "talk" we all do when we break up, he said maybe tomorrow. I told him to call me and he said perhaps tomorrow... that meant monday. It is tuesday, and no word.
Now, I know that you guys mean "maybe" like in the three - four day range. I am pissed off because I have no closure whatsoever, last time I saw him (besides his 30 second stop by) was a week and half ago and that was an aggrivated situation that ended badly, most likely inspired the cease of our relationship. Mentally and in my heart, I cannot tell myself we are done, I have to hear it from him to move on. And I know he is moving on (the visual makes tears well up and I loose it) by sleeping with other people is killing me. I am so depressed, the pot is going to have to go away for awhile since it is a depresent, and I am so not happy!!
THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHY I DO NOT LET MYSELF FALL IN LOVE... EVER!! I WANTED TO TRUST HIM THAT WE WOULD NOT HAVE THIS AKWARD BREAK UP WHERE I AM LEFT WITH MY BEATING HEART IN HAND ASKING:
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!
How do you snap out of it and keep on going? I know the hardest part is the first couple weeks. I have a feeling that my pain will be for the month, and I will have a long time before I am okay with being in his presence in a social situation.
Look, he has a lot of little girlies around who are "physically free" if you know what I mean, and they have been waiting for me to leave the scene for over a year..... and they all will do whatever he wants.
When I asked him out over 2 years ago, I was nothing like his multiple other girls. I am a strong independent person (usually, can be dependent a bit when weak and uncertain about my life, like NOW) and I do my own thing. Most likely why he told me he loved me in the first 3 months of dating (that is a funny story, I choked on my martini). But I am also not the type of girl who will do whatever a guy wants them to do on the spot (aka a blowjob in the middle of a crowded bar just because). I am all about my man when there is a ring on my finger, I will do WHATEVER then, not before. The girls he is used to being with are not me, polar opposite. Plus his sexual tendencies prefer S&M, and as we discussed and agreed upon when it became a request, it is a very non-intimate form of sex INITIALLY in a partnership. I have no experience in this area at all (BTW - raised catholic and very distant from my parents = sexually stifled) and was willing to expand but only at my pace. Well, apparently in the 6 months we were "working" on this (which actually was ME working on it since I was the odd one out I guess) the five-some and interesting landing pads he used, toys I brought in etc was not good enough. Hence breaking up on March 1st. But our sex (intimate and fucking hot) continued and was enough until recently, and I know that he has needed a release. I offered to go with him to a dom-session, that was never capitalized upon. I asked for him to bring out HIS toys multiple times and to tell me his likes so I can learn and stuff, no takers. WHAT MORE COULD I HAVE DONE?
Now I have major trust issues (if you read my stuff, it has been said before) and I am working on it; because of my relationship with my father, S&M could possibly aggrivate something bad mentally, hence my own pace. My lacking of the ability to trust bothers him so much even though we discussed it, no matter how much he said he understood. It is like trying to have a sane person understand someone else's POV who is insane. And trust is what S&M is based on. Hmmm, I see a connection.
When you really love someone, you want to help them all you can. But you have to ask and offer, not wait for the other party to tell you they need help. And when you are involved with someone, you should know the extent of their ability to ask for help. That is why my main conclusion is he (like a lot of guys) fall fast and fall out of love even faster. When they decide they are done, they leave and go nuts to not deal with any pain if there is any.
I WISH I WAS A GUY SO I COULD FUCK 27 WOMEN IN 11 DAYS AND BE OVER THIS BITCH FASTER THAN A GUY CAN MAKE HIMSELF CUM.
I am pissed, confused, and PMSing. I tried quiting cigarettes but today, I have broken it (and it was like over a week! ). I just do not know what to do or think or say. This is my cry for help, and to just know I am not alone.
I am going to lick my wounds, nurse my broken heart, and find that fireproof safe I used before this guy to protect my heart. I was a good, damn good player before him, and he coaxed me out of my safety zone. Screw him for that. Now I know better. I think I am going to be merciless now, so watch out.
I am pissed off. The Bitch will be back shortly once she can take over for the sobbing mess I am right now.
Fuck the world.
~the angel*
I am updating a lot right now because of the pain I am feeling almost constantly in my chest; I have not really decided whether or not it is a knot in my stomach or my heart bleeding from the rejection by my last love.
How much do I hate admitting I am in love... still, I cannot express to you the defeat I feel.
I am stronger than that; but I have not been in love before.
He has not called. He came by Sunday to pick up he faceplate for his radio and then promptly left me. I asked when we would see each other again, to do the "talk" we all do when we break up, he said maybe tomorrow. I told him to call me and he said perhaps tomorrow... that meant monday. It is tuesday, and no word.
Now, I know that you guys mean "maybe" like in the three - four day range. I am pissed off because I have no closure whatsoever, last time I saw him (besides his 30 second stop by) was a week and half ago and that was an aggrivated situation that ended badly, most likely inspired the cease of our relationship. Mentally and in my heart, I cannot tell myself we are done, I have to hear it from him to move on. And I know he is moving on (the visual makes tears well up and I loose it) by sleeping with other people is killing me. I am so depressed, the pot is going to have to go away for awhile since it is a depresent, and I am so not happy!!
THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHY I DO NOT LET MYSELF FALL IN LOVE... EVER!! I WANTED TO TRUST HIM THAT WE WOULD NOT HAVE THIS AKWARD BREAK UP WHERE I AM LEFT WITH MY BEATING HEART IN HAND ASKING:
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!
How do you snap out of it and keep on going? I know the hardest part is the first couple weeks. I have a feeling that my pain will be for the month, and I will have a long time before I am okay with being in his presence in a social situation.
Look, he has a lot of little girlies around who are "physically free" if you know what I mean, and they have been waiting for me to leave the scene for over a year..... and they all will do whatever he wants.
When I asked him out over 2 years ago, I was nothing like his multiple other girls. I am a strong independent person (usually, can be dependent a bit when weak and uncertain about my life, like NOW) and I do my own thing. Most likely why he told me he loved me in the first 3 months of dating (that is a funny story, I choked on my martini). But I am also not the type of girl who will do whatever a guy wants them to do on the spot (aka a blowjob in the middle of a crowded bar just because). I am all about my man when there is a ring on my finger, I will do WHATEVER then, not before. The girls he is used to being with are not me, polar opposite. Plus his sexual tendencies prefer S&M, and as we discussed and agreed upon when it became a request, it is a very non-intimate form of sex INITIALLY in a partnership. I have no experience in this area at all (BTW - raised catholic and very distant from my parents = sexually stifled) and was willing to expand but only at my pace. Well, apparently in the 6 months we were "working" on this (which actually was ME working on it since I was the odd one out I guess) the five-some and interesting landing pads he used, toys I brought in etc was not good enough. Hence breaking up on March 1st. But our sex (intimate and fucking hot) continued and was enough until recently, and I know that he has needed a release. I offered to go with him to a dom-session, that was never capitalized upon. I asked for him to bring out HIS toys multiple times and to tell me his likes so I can learn and stuff, no takers. WHAT MORE COULD I HAVE DONE?
Now I have major trust issues (if you read my stuff, it has been said before) and I am working on it; because of my relationship with my father, S&M could possibly aggrivate something bad mentally, hence my own pace. My lacking of the ability to trust bothers him so much even though we discussed it, no matter how much he said he understood. It is like trying to have a sane person understand someone else's POV who is insane. And trust is what S&M is based on. Hmmm, I see a connection.
When you really love someone, you want to help them all you can. But you have to ask and offer, not wait for the other party to tell you they need help. And when you are involved with someone, you should know the extent of their ability to ask for help. That is why my main conclusion is he (like a lot of guys) fall fast and fall out of love even faster. When they decide they are done, they leave and go nuts to not deal with any pain if there is any.
I WISH I WAS A GUY SO I COULD FUCK 27 WOMEN IN 11 DAYS AND BE OVER THIS BITCH FASTER THAN A GUY CAN MAKE HIMSELF CUM.
I am pissed, confused, and PMSing. I tried quiting cigarettes but today, I have broken it (and it was like over a week!
). I just do not know what to do or think or say. This is my cry for help, and to just know I am not alone.
I am going to lick my wounds, nurse my broken heart, and find that fireproof safe I used before this guy to protect my heart. I was a good, damn good player before him, and he coaxed me out of my safety zone. Screw him for that. Now I know better. I think I am going to be merciless now, so watch out.
I am pissed off. The Bitch will be back shortly once she can take over for the sobbing mess I am right now.
Fuck the world.
~the angel*
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
Been a long time since I've hurt the way you are now but I still remember it clearly. Unfortunately, it just takes time to get over these things, and a one night stand or two doesn't hurt either.
I've learned that some relationships are like a bad drug addiction you just refuse to let go. I'm sure you're thinking about all the good times you spent with this guy, but people who care about you don't handle things this way.
You'll have withdrawls for awhile but, eventually, life returns to normal and your heart, although maybe scarred, will be healthy again. Just remember, no good relationship happens outside your safety zone. That's what makes it good.
-Kevin