lucy

First off, you must understand that I did not want to watch this movie. I had no desire to see the first one, either, even though I have a massive crush on Cary Elwes. (meatloaf is beeping!) I'm more into monster flicks than slasher flicks. (OW! I just burnt my tongue! I didn't even get to taste the meatloaf! SONOFABITCH!) So, naturally, Saw 2 had even less appeal, being as there is no (Oh, dear god, I just took a spoonful of the 'mashed potatoes', and it tastes like boiling-hot wallpaper paste!) Cary Elwes and more of, well, this man.

Yup, that's right, folks. Donnie Fucking Wahlberg. from the New Kids on the Block. (Oh, dear GOD, the SEARING HOT WALLPAPER PASTE is oozing its way past my blistered throat and into my SOUL!) Within the first five minutes into the movie, I started to wonder if maybe him and Bruce Willis had spent a bit too much time together on the set of The Sixth Sense, because Donny-boy lwas definitely doing his best Willis impersonation through the entire movie. Sorry, Donnie, I have VIDEO EVIDENCE of you with a flattop and a mullet, wearing acid wash and a shirt that says "HOMEBOY". Even Bruce Willis can't give you street cred. (I decide to try the lasagna again. Oh good! A chunk of the off-white gooey mass is frozen, and though nasty, soothes my throat.) Then there's some blood and guts, and a guy that boobytraps houses and puts people in them. Why? Simple, of course: HE'S GOT CANCER. He nerve-gases the house, and Donnie's son is in there!
OH NOES!!!1112
(Now to try the 'meatloaf'. Hrm. Well, it is very...meat-like, yet somehow just missing that essential meaty essence. It wiggle when poked at. Dear god, is it still alive?)

So now, this group of people are all stuck in this house filled with nerve gas and the find a tape telling them he's playing a game, and to play by the rules. Oh, yeah, and the nerve gas is gonna make them vomit up blood and eventually die within two hours. Some dude that looks like Jon Lovitz decides he will not play by the rules.
He tries to yank open the door.
HE GETS SHOT IN THE MOTHAFUCKIN' FACE.
This is where it starts to get good. Yeah, the guy with the portable iron maiden around his neck in the beginning was kind of cool, but the bloodbath starts now. (I think I am actually going to hell just for eating this meatloaf. It just tastes like half-congealed evil.)
Dude's brains are all over. Everyone starts freaking out.
Meanwhile, Donnie is told by cancer guy: I just want to talk to you for half an hour. It's a test. Talk to me, and your boy will stay alive. Donnie does not like this. He tries to trick Cancer Man. Cancer man is too smart for him.
Meanwhile, back at the house, people are going crazy. Someone gets burnt alive (note to self: home incinerator: GOOD investment) and some gets thrown into a pit of needles. Donnie is watching this on Live Feed, and he starts freaking out. Decides that talking to dude is no longer an option, threatens to plant evidence and have dude locked away. That's when we find out what all of these people have in common: they were all locked up by Donnie, who planted evidence about each one of them. OH NOES! HIS SON IS IN THERE! THEY'LL KILL HIM!
So people die and other people kill people and he gets antsy and beats the shit outta Cancer Man, and cancer man takes him to the house. Then, Cancer Man dies and there's this big twist. The End.
I liked the part with the pit of needles. I want a pit of needles.

Also, My review on Michelina's Meatloaf: PURE EVIL. I'll have nightmares about that shit tonight.