lostboy

You ever experience soooo much pain you can just be happy? Its kinda funny. I had this girlfriend a long long time ago... lol actually pretty much in a far away land. She told me she smiled more the worse it hurt. I do that now. I can't really log this in my normal blog because people actually would care hehe, but I can do it here. The pain has gotten so bad sooo searing I think I might die..... Rofl... I look forward to it but don't really even care at this point. Almost everyone who is as weird as me who really feels, I guess is sensitive goes cold in the end. Only a couple flames still burn. You my know darkest fear, to no longer feel and still live, to be the undead I see everyday on the street. It all really isn't such a big deal anymore. I'm happy to die or struggle to become more attractive, richer, cultured to attract a good woman. At this point I think I should turn a good one down so she can date an asshole not as jaded and tormented by physical and mental ails as I. I mean most of those guys couldn't feel shit to start lol..... and sure enough I have girls cryong on my shoulder to this day about the drunkards who beat them. LOL and I know a girl who uses her guy for his money to buy drugs..... lol its mostly alll so fucked up, granted my own experiences have mostly been beautiful. Practically brilliant and beautiful transcendant. Now I find no love anyway... I guess I see it now and then really, its always on the younger.... still legal... but I long for someone around my age, and those I see are already dead. To die all you have to do is stop changing, stop evolving.... then you are dead.... Thats all it takes. Almost everyone I know over 30 is already dead. I get to see it. It hurts me so. I know I can't do anything., Its almost like a zombie movie. It reminds me of a line from "the Breakfast Club" "When you grow old, your heart just dies". It just seems soooo sad to me. Most older people I know just accept that. Not really my family. I guess we are just crazy romantics as long as we live. I think I might get myelf up to like super beautiful standards then just do some opiate powerful enought to kill myself... lol as they say live fast and leave a beautiful corpse. You know really I don't care so much. I hope to die, but eh if it does or doesn't happen atleast I lived, atleast I felt. Well this is probably tireless drivel to those enlightnened souls who read it. It is just my rant, my throwing fire at the sun where none I know can see it.... thank you for listening.

Lostboy