lixor17

I haven't had much to say for a few months. Still don't.

I live, I survive, nothing is going very well, nothing is going horribly. Purgatory,

My wife and I aren't fighting any more, but we progress on "us" is very very slow. We did get care-givers in (for her mother) on weekend afternoons, so we at least get some time "together": sometimes we manage to go walking or biking (things we both enjoy); sometimes it just ends up being running errands and grocery shopping (things that have to be done and don't "build" the relationship, but at least go faster and are perhaps a little more spontaneous in destinations without having to down-shift to go at my M-I-L's pace.)

Unfortunately, she isn't talking to me about "us", or even about her goals and her feelings -- not even when I specifically ask her to "Talk to me". She'll talk about one of her work-related interests, or about politics in her birth country, or she'll have opinions about politics here (but she doesn't much follow the local or national news and doesn't know the history or context of these events, so her opinions are not very well informed... but I'm supposed to nod and agree with them anyhow.) Or she'll talk about a documentary she watched (e.g., about the harmful effects of GMO corn)... Heck, even if talking about Us or planning around Us was only in in every 20 random such conversations, that'd be better than the drifting I'm doing now. When we were fighting, at least I know what I was pushing against, now I'm just lost.

Meanwhile, my wife's mother is definitely deteriorating, and my wife is having a really hard time coping with that. In particular, my M-I-L is losing some of her impulse control circuits, and is starting to slip away from us and go walking by herself, often across the medium-heavy traffic road 300 feet away, going to visit the store there. She still knows enough to take her purchases to the cash register and get them rung through, but she never takes any money.... fortunately the owners are kind people who know us and her by now and total it up and write out an "Owed" paper, knowing we will pay -- and they watch from the door to make sure she crosses safely and goes in the right direction.

Yesterday morning, at a time I would normally be deeply asleep, I heard the door opening, and as I knew my wife had had to leave earlier than that, I realized it was my M-I-L. I went out in my PJs and caught up with her patiently waiting to cross the highway (at rush hour) and brought her home, which she was thankful for. I put her on the phone with my wife, but my M-I-L didn't know why she had gone out, not even a "I was going to the store to buy some sandwiches". This just a day or two after my wife had spoken to her strongly and made her promise not to go out without letting someone know or have someone go with her... my M-I-L wasn't being defiant or impatient in having slipped out, but she's losing her impulse censorship, not thinking sometimes.

My wife is pretty upset... even broke her pride enough to go through international directory assistance and call her aunt Back Home and talk to her about the situation. At the moment, she's upset enough that she is going to press to go through the formal process of putting her mother on the waiting list for a care home... as I recall, the one she has picked out has an 18 month waiting list. And with my M-I-L now starting to slip out the door on impulse, unless we extend the caregiver hours so that there is always someone here while my wife is at work or in transit, the incidents are going to continue and my M-I-L, not knowing what she is doing, is going to get herself lost and not know how to get back. Along with the other deteriorations, I really can't see us surviving another 18 months of this... I think we're going to have to take the "urgent care" option where she gets put in the first available care home (even if it's one of the ones that has a poor reputation), eventually moving her to the preferred home when she reaches the front of their line.

So in a way it isn't surprising that my wife doesn't have a lot of time and energy for Us... but she always seems to have time for more documentaries or (interesting) TV programs from Back Home... the word is "Avoidance". Which is not productive in the long run because she's cutting off her resources that could help her cope (i.e., me.)

Is anyone still surprised that I'm feeling more than a little "lost"


The way I've been coping... I recently joined facebook and have started reaching out to {mostly estranged} relatives and to friends and to people I went to school with and to people from the area I grew up. Reconnecting with my past as a way of finding an anchor to the me of today. My life in school and in the neighbourhood was fairly isolated, even bullied, as I grew up... but I'm finding that a surprising number of people have fond memories of me. And I've made some apologizes to some people I could have done better by... 30+ years later, and they'd all forgotten, but they appreciated hearing from me, and now I can rest easier... and perhaps at some level, maybe they can too.

Oh yes, and I confirmed through a close family member that the fellow who bullied me the most in elementary school but also seemed to need me, was indeed going through a hard time in his life back then. Somehow, even back then, I knew it wasn't personal, that his intent wasn't to hurt me, so I never hated him for it. But it still hurt, hurt a lot. His close family member indicates he now is at relative inner peace, found himself, found something worthwhile... I'm glad to hear that, because no-one should have to live with the kind of internal unhappiness that I could tell then that he must have had.


If I were to summarize, it would be "Release your hate; the fires burn you more than anyone. Reach out to your past; many people change in time, the reasons for disagreements get forgotten, don't cut yourself off from those you knew. Maybe it was their fault before -- but are they still the same people and would willfully commit the same fault again? If not, then you can connect to who they are now."