lily

it was a week and a half stuck looking out the windows. Somebody shot me up with cocaine, I don't remember who cause the room was so dark. My heart rate was about 200. I was screaming and yelling at the doctors. Later they found me with no shoes near 197th uptown. I screamed at that psychiatrist until he admitted me to the psyche ward. Thats where i met Fred, 48 years old looking like einstein but with no teeth cause of crack and he taught me that hate means love and love means hate. His parents used to beat him until he bled and they would tell him that they "loved" him so he figured that love meant hate and hate meant love. perfect sense in our heads my lovely friend. he told the doctors "me want to kill myself means me want to kill you" .
some hours he spent in isolation and we'd talk to each other through the walls. 2 years ago his wife jumped out of the window, he said he was in the living room jerking off and watching porno but even the sounds of moaning from the TV couldn't cover up the sound of her bones crunching splat goes the love on the sidewalk. he cried for three weeks straight. she the angel, his lovely Ellie was in so much pain, tried to choke it out with the heroin, xanax, methadone.
"Kill me Fred" she would say. Thats why he said he couldn't bring himself to call the ambulance, just kept jerking off for the moment. we formed a friendship that made me understand his language. I asked him why he checked himself in, he said "The food here is better than the homeless shelter" Thats where he dreams at night, rats crawling beneath him. we shared horror stories all day. I was sad to leave my friend today. He said "I hate you, Lily" I said "I hate you too Fred". He smiled. That crazy toothless smile. Hate means love fred.
Love, Lily