I can tell that I have changed alot since November.....I just can't tell if it is for the better or not.
I have definitely gotten stronger, but I feel I have also gotten bitchier. That part I don't like. I feel like I am not as tempermental as before. Although the other part I wonder is this actually a good thing? Meaning does this mean I don't let people walk all over me?
I can't tell yet. The other part that feels different is I feel more guarded now. When I first got out I was so in touch with emotions, although probably way too in touch. Now I feel like I was before, but even more built up in a tower.
I feel like I am a totally different person. I am still working on the self-esteem part, it is better, but still not there.....but I have to work on not only the outside self-esteem but the inside. I haven't decided if I like the new me or not yet. I still am not comfortable with it. I feel like before I was cute, and sweet and nice. Always welcoming everything and everyone. Taking care of anyone who crossed my path. And now I sometimes feel evil, or selfish. Where I put myself first.
I feel like I am figuring out who this new person is. And what parts to keep and what parts to throw away. I think this is why I can't date. I have no idea what I want from someone or what type of person I want. I mean the obvious, someone kind, generous, loving, blah, blah, blah....but I mean what they like, how adventurous, what they want from life. That I have no idea about, and I think it is because I don't know me right now. I feel like I am in a canoe without a paddle, but I think it is okay. I feel like I have to just see where this river brings me before I start to paddle so I can see if I am headed towards the falls or not. I can't tell if I am in danger.
The only thing I regret is I feel so old for this to be happening....I wish that all this had happened five years ago, but maybe it wasn't time yet.
I have definitely gotten stronger, but I feel I have also gotten bitchier. That part I don't like. I feel like I am not as tempermental as before. Although the other part I wonder is this actually a good thing? Meaning does this mean I don't let people walk all over me?
I can't tell yet. The other part that feels different is I feel more guarded now. When I first got out I was so in touch with emotions, although probably way too in touch. Now I feel like I was before, but even more built up in a tower.
I feel like I am a totally different person. I am still working on the self-esteem part, it is better, but still not there.....but I have to work on not only the outside self-esteem but the inside. I haven't decided if I like the new me or not yet. I still am not comfortable with it. I feel like before I was cute, and sweet and nice. Always welcoming everything and everyone. Taking care of anyone who crossed my path. And now I sometimes feel evil, or selfish. Where I put myself first.
I feel like I am figuring out who this new person is. And what parts to keep and what parts to throw away. I think this is why I can't date. I have no idea what I want from someone or what type of person I want. I mean the obvious, someone kind, generous, loving, blah, blah, blah....but I mean what they like, how adventurous, what they want from life. That I have no idea about, and I think it is because I don't know me right now. I feel like I am in a canoe without a paddle, but I think it is okay. I feel like I have to just see where this river brings me before I start to paddle so I can see if I am headed towards the falls or not. I can't tell if I am in danger.
The only thing I regret is I feel so old for this to be happening....I wish that all this had happened five years ago, but maybe it wasn't time yet.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
ckdexterhaven:
I have the same deal with dating. I'm not sure exactly what kind of person I want, cause I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna make of my life. That, and the fact that i'm attracted to older women makes for a fun dating experience. 
endquire:
I really really do not like the who use of the word bitch. I have been reading your stories and analyzing your past. Their is a lot going on with you in your life now, and your past. You are trying to figure out your future. It has been a very complicated journey of a wounded girl. Their is not old you or new you. You have never been you. Now you are figuring out what the real you is. I am so immensely deeply proud of you. you make me more proud all the time. Once you figure out who you really are then everything else will fall into place and make sense. trust me. anyone who has truly been so painfully brutally honest with themselves and peeled away all the illusions can tell you. It can be a painful process. When a butterfly emerges from its chrysalis it is weak and vulnerable, Then its wings spread, its body sets and it might get hit by a car or eaten by something. You will not though. You are figuring out who you really are inside. trying out piecese to see what fits and works. when you get all of your pieces together then you will be complete, strong and happy standing tall on your own two feet and people wil look at you wishing they were you,
