kjj0013

Marriage = Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever.

I woke up screaming this morning. Then I had to apologize to everyone in the staff meeting.

its impossible to think about Uptown Funk without getting it stuck in your head. Don't believe me?......just watch

When sitting next to a McDonalds playland and a parent asks "Which one is yours?"The correct answer is NOT "I haven’t picked one out yet!"

I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with 1 dollar and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars and a cold drink. Now, they have cameras everywhere.

I bought some new bedroom furniture from Ikea today. The instructions are just a picture of some guy shouting at his wife

it doesnt matter if you're the best dancer in the world. just matters that you have the right partner

since Monday I had my credit card hacked and money stolen, electrocuted twice and was involved in an active shooting at work yesterday

is it Friday yet?

it's amazing how choosy we become when surfing porn

rough night..... got new fridge delivered and the delivery guys left the old one when they were paid to take jit so I hauled it out myself and sliced my hand open. then hauled the new one in myself. a water valve broke and water was literally spewing all over the basement and so it didnt ruin anything I had my hand over the water...
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-Mommy please make me a sandwich

- Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!

- So what am I suppose to call you?

- Like everybody else.....call me Steven

I don't care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria takes the time out of his day and sends me personal email makes me feel special