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I like it when I buy a bag of air, and the company is nice enough to put some chips in it.

The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

tali79:
You should try holding a purse that doesn't match and is stolen. Makes for a horrible day 

Somebody just asked me if I knew a good plastic surgeon. Would I look like this if I did

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window

A decapitated head can’t say no

chefdaddy:
And if it's mouth is open that is implied consent

I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I'm seeing somebody.

Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

alienne:
Totally agree! Best description ever lmao

Ramen noodles will always taste like an empty bank account.

alienne:
Ehhh, unless u add all the good stuff like the restaurants do :P