Do you have an ex whom you appreciate?
Until recently, I never truly appreciated any of my exes, as exes. With the exception of a high school friend who I dated for a few months before realizing that were better friends than lovers, I have zero contact with any of my ex-gfs. That is, until my now-ex-wife and I split last year. Its not that I didn't appreciate the relationships, or my partners in those relationships, but that once the relationship was over there was nothing really to appreciate about that person
I've tried to narrow down why that is. I mean, I certainly saw some value with these people prior to entering into a relationship with them, but after the break-up that value was gone. I think, with my ex-wife, I may have found the answer.
See, most relationships are not built to help each other grow. Regardless of our knowledge that each person will grow, and ensuring that each partner can take advantage of any growth opportunities that are available, most relationships set the expectation that the each person is a static, unchanging thing in the world. When this relationship forms at 18 or so, that expectation is recklessly naive. This is why many of these relationships end, and part of why they hurt so much. People are supposed to grow, and change, and adapt to the environments their life puts them in; entering into a relationship not prepared for that inevitability, is like rock climbing without rope: the likelihood that you will fall is exponentially higher, and that fall will hurt exponentially more.
Let me preface the next part: my wife and I were not good for each other for most of our relationship. We both had inner demons which we had learned to cope with, but had never put adequate effort toward resolving. She was abusive, I was negligent, and in the end we were both infinitely more happy apart than we ever were together. We will never be back together, and it is unlikely that I will ever be friends with her again (6 years of emotional abuse is enough to keep me from being friends with my abuser).
That said, for once in my life, my relationship was committed growth and self-discovery. Despite all our other failings, we never stopped encouraging each other to try something new, to expose ourselves to some new experience. If we wanted to learn something, we embraced that opportunity and helped each other in achieving it. While we both abandoned our commitment to our relationship, we never dropped our commitment to growth.
So, while my ex-wife and I are no more, I can for once say that, unequivocally, I can look back on the relationship as a time of growth. Sure, I left with my self-confidence shattered and my self-image diminished, but I am a more complete human for having had that relationship, than I was before she ever came into my life.