jovana

so how are things.....well.....things are alright. not horrible, not great. some elements of both but usually just about average. b/c my entries lately have been somewhat blah i will startsome of the greatness. i finally got a new helmet ( http://www.araiamericas.com/product/ast/ast_large/ast_aurora_black.jpg ) now i can go on the ducati without being scared for my life. we went for a ride yesterday and i feel like i am finally starting to get comfy on the bike. tho for future refrence, note to self: riding in a mini skirt = may as well right in just panties.

we have also been doing some fun stuff. last sunday we went fishing! i havn't been in ages....it was goodtimes. i have also been getting a ton of sun...thank god b/c i really needed it. so finally i am starting to morph into summertimebrowngirl.

work is also going well....i mean, its not excellent, but its getting better. this week i have shit for hours but thats ok b/c this saturday is the uber bme bbq at his house. i dunno if i am looking forward to it or not. will be ineteresting things going on.....good food, fire performance, ihung is doing flesh pulls.....but i am not exactly a big fan having to be social. i have this sort of problem where i am very shy and reserved in general. most of my friends tell me "when i met you i thougt you were a total bitch / i thought you hated me..." i am not a bitch. i admit have a bitchy snobbish side but i really only unleash that upon a select few....with most people i am just reserved and polite so social events like this bbq where no one knows me will be difficult b/c i have to try really hard to be social or come across like a bit of a cunt. we'll see what happens....i know there will be lots of good poeple there so i am looking forward to possibilities for goodness...its not like i know *anyone* out here right now.

also i am looking forward to the bbq for purely gastronmical reasons. i am having fresh seafood shipped next day air in an ice cooler from the small town in oregon where i grew up. there is nothing like spring chinook salmon, oysters, and fresh dungeness crab all right off the boat.....

speaking of food....and i think this is the "not so good" in my life right now. my ed is taking over more and more of my life. it has always been a private obsession but now that i have foundsomeone with whom i want to share everything, i find my issues really negativly affecting how i interact and how close i let him get....for me my eating issues are not "i want to not eat so i will be skinny and pretty and people will love/and or worship my hotness..." its about control. while i feel better as my anaself (clean, perfect, controled, valuable, strong as opposed to weak, pathetic, unworthy, dirty, disgusting, pathetic) my relationship isdefinatly bearing the brunt of this load.

i hate it when poepel say "but you are so preety you don't need to not eat...you are thin enough. i appriciate the gesture but thats not something i want to hear. i don't need/want/crave positive reinforcment of my personal worth from outsiders...its is not something that i deem necessary foir a happy exisstance....*i* alone can give mysel that sort of confidence.

what a combination he and i are.....my body obsession and his alcholism....i suppose the only difference is that he is on a good path and doing the things he needs to do for treatment while i on the otherhand absolutly love my disease when it only concerns me and not me as part of an us.

*le sigh*

well, i cannot sleep so i'm off to go find some spiration"....note to self: nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.....

heh. sorry, i'm not in earnest....i've just always wanted to say that.....so cliche.