In October, I will be celebrating 5 years as a SuicideGirl. This is a pretty huge deal to a girl who dreamed of this honour for years.
But it's also scary.
The older I get, the more I feel like I'm too old to be here.
The site has changed, the girls have changed and I feel like a fish out of water.
Competition is getting stiff.
When I went pink, there was no doubt in my mind that this is where I wanted/needed/had always dreamed of being.
But now when I look at the girls who go FP, I feel like I just can't compete.
I feel irrelevant. I don't know how rational that thought is but it's true.
I look at girls like @Katherine who went pink literally the day before I did and how far she's come and wonder what exactly I have to show for the last 5 years of my modelling career.
I've squandered an opportunity. I've wasted my dream.
I need some kind of revamp or reboot or to revitalise my belief in my dream.
Wow. I sound so emo.
I miss you all so much.
I miss waking up every morning and spending hours on SG chat, going through sets, making new friends.
I miss the sense of community and love and support.
It's probably my own fault. I walked away and, when I came back, nobody knew who I was anymore.
Nobody seemed to care.
I think it's definitely time for a new set. Joining new groups. Making new friends.
Reigniting the spark and the passion.
I love this place. I love these people.
I love being a SuicideGirl.
I never want to forget that.
Much love,
J
