I was passing a sleepless night at Teddy's Diner. Teddy's has the twin virtues of being half a block from the roach motel which is my bachelor pad, and making the best pancakes in town. Nothing else at Teddy's is good. Even the bacon has been known to gag maggots! I stabbed the last piece of my meal, and swabbed up the remnants of butter and syrup on my plate. I gazed into my reflection in my "café descafinado", reached for my silver plated hip flask, and decanted a liberal tot of J.D. for its soporific properties. I lit up a Lucky, when the little bell on the door announced the ingress of a new customer.
Her legs were like the Camp town races, "five miles long". As she turned to Mindy, the waitress, who was programmed to say "Sit anywhere you like." even though nobody else was there, I noticed her voluptuous South 40, poured into a pencil skirt, " yearning to breathe free" As her heels click- clicked down the path between the counter and the booths, I beheld the sway of her hips, and mused that the motion in that ocean warranted a small crafts warning. She sidled up to me, swiped the Lucky right out of my mouth, and lit her own smoke with it. - Virginia Slims - figures.
" Hi Sal! Like Mindy said, sit anywhere you like." My hand made a welcoming sweep. She slid into the faux leather bench across from me, wafting a light breeze of Shalimar in my direction. "Well Clem, I see, from your tie, you had the flapjacks. What else is good here?"
"Bubkis" I replied, in the interest of truth. "How's the java?" she queried.
"Like dishwater?", I answered one question with another. She ordered the fully leaded coffee, which Mindy delivered with dispatch, there being nothing else to do at 4 in the A.M. "John Barley Corn helps it considerably." I proffered her the flask. " That's mighty thought y of you, Clem!" I stared at her alabaster neck, as she took three long pulls, poured the rest in her coffee, and handed me back the empty vessel. "Thanks", I mumbled, "I've been meaning to cut down."
" A little birdie told me I could find a detective in here", she purred, like Puss 'n Boots. "As a matter of fact" I rose to the occasion, "I am the owner, C.E.O. and sole employee of WILLIAM MOFFET INVESTIGATIONS INC. What can I do for you? Her glance went from sweet to sour. "Oh, I'm not here about a job for me, Billy boy, I'm here about the job you did for my ex-husband!" I blanched. "I don't forget dames like you. But, with this sleep-deprived headache pounding in my ears, I didn't recognize you." She rounded on me in full dudgeon. "You took enough snaps of me to void my pre-nup. And, now, I'm up shit Creek without a paddle!"
"Don't be sore, Doll" I stammered. "I only did my job! Sorry, it was Shit creek for you, but it was bread and butter to me." She reached into her purse, and pulled out what looked ,for all the world, like a Glock 9 mm. "Hope that's a squirt gun." I mustered the breath to whisper. "Oh yeah! That's what it is, Screw. Want to see it squirt?" And then, she shot m