I arrived at my local Native-American casino too late to register for the nightly poker tournament. I found an empty table at the far end of the poker room, and ensconced myself, hoping to get up a ring game. I was chatting it up with Jimmy, one of the dealers, when my favorite waitress, Natalie, waltzed to my side, bearing a dirty martini. "Just in time, Nat!" I reached into my jacket pocket, to find the portrait of President Andrew Jackson I was keeping for just this moment. "Keep 'em coming, will ya hun?". Natalie grinned, pocketed the 20, and walked away, which was more intoxicating than the martini! It was then that a strangely attired young man who appeared to be in his early 30s entered the room.
He strolled directly to me, and seated himself across the ratty felt table from me. I assayed his seamless robe and Birkenstocks, "Are you Marilyn Manson?" I asked, more used to seeing guys, sporting ball caps and "America's Poker Room" T shirts in here. "No. I'm Jesus." I took a moment to process this. It didn't help. "Oh! Do you mean HAY-SOOSE, as in Jesus Alou, who, along with his brothers Mateo and Felipe, was a mighty fine ball player back in the day!" I always fall back on our national pastime, when the world around me ceases to make sense. "No. GEEZ-USS, as in God's only begotten son" I slumped back in the chair, squinted, and waved to Natalie for another round. "Christ Almighty!" I hissed, in a husky voice. . He screwed up his elegant beard in a sly grin, "That's my name, don't wear it out!"
I was reeling! How do you schmooze the Messiah? I tried to think of what old Fr. Sieczinski would say. " You know, our Lord, I'm Polish, and we've always felt you belonged to us! Although, truth be told, we really like your Mom way more than you. Just sayin'. " Jesus looked at me equably. " Yeah. I get that a lot! My mother is the best. And she makes a coffee cake that melts in your mouth, but I did all the heavy lifting. When you do something big, you invite detractors." I nodded stoically, not wishing to rile up the savior of the world. After an uncomfortable silence, he piped up again, "You DO realize I'm not Polish, don't you? Although I have eaten a lot of heavy, flavorless food in my time." It was hard to argue on that score. "I'm a first cen. Jew from Palestine." I couldn't resist the urge to stick my foot in my mouth. "I get that, our Lord. But...the thing is, everything you ever said was a direct contradiction of Jewish rabbinical teaching" I hit a divine nerve. Jesus raised up, indignantly, "SO WHAT? It's a free Country!" I couldn't believe what I just heard . " But, our Lord, it wasn't a free Country when you walked the Earth, oh Lord." A snide giggle rippled through his holy lips. "I kinda got that idea, when the Romans added some IRON to my diet. - And are you going to call me "Our Lord" all night?" I turned a striking shade of pink, for that HAD been my plan. "Force of habit" I stammered. "I'm Catholic. A very bad one, I fear" Jesus rolled his eyes. "Good Catholics drive me crazy! They're always saying a novena for this, or lighting a candle for that. And, when they're not repenting for themselves, they're repenting for everybody else! Get a hobby, people!" my own mind flashed, sheepishly, to my Cha- Cha Blandina, the nun.
- Mercifully, Natalie arrived with my next martini. And looked at HIMSELF for a drink order. Jesus produced a portrait of the father of our Country, George Washington, at which Nat looked askance. He looked into those Betty Boop eyes and asked. "Could you just bring me a pitcher of water and a glass? And don't tell the management what I change it into!" The rich have it because they keep it, I guess. "Any hoo", Jesus mused. "Want to play heads up?" I was wistful for a moment, knowing I could never talk about playing poker with the Lord of the universe. "Hold-em?" I asked. "Is there any other kind, these days?" he replied. We bought equal numbers of chips, laid down our blinds, and Jimmy shuffled up and dealt.
- I glanced, furtively, at my hold cards. I had an ace and a seven. BOTH spades. I always play an ace backed up by anything higher than a five, especially when they are suited. GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES! Jimmy laid out the flop: king of spades, three of diamonds, five of spades. I tried to look nonchalant about the fact that I was one card away from a NUT FLUSH!!!!! The Redeemer opened the betting with a raise four times the pot, too rich for my comfort, but I had to call. Out came the turn card: seven of hearts. Now, I had a pair middle pair, but I had missed my draw. I stared over at Jesus, the King of kings. What if he had pocket cowboys? Together with the king on the board, he might have three kings, like the ones who brought him those esoteric birthday presents! (or were they Christmas presents?) In that case, I could only beat him by hitting a spade on the river. And I, myself, have fleeced many players who came to the river on a draw! At that moment, Jesus chirped, pleasantly, "I'm all in.". I pushed my chips in, if only to see what god, the son, was holding. I turned over my cards, and Jesus turned over his: nine of spades and nine of diamonds. I sucked wind, reflexively, as Jimmy laid down the last card. It was BLACK!- ten of clubs.
- "Who goes all in on pocket nines?" I screamed! Jesus looked at me quizzically. "Well, it seemed like a good idea. Plus, I already knew what you were holding, and which cards would come up." The gin and vermouth had loosened my inhibitions, and I saw RED!!!!! "Wait just a New York minute here! You used your divine foreknowledge to beat me at cards????????? That hardly seems fair!!!!" Jesus rounded on me with equal fury " Listen up, Stash! Who are YOU to talk to ME about fairness, when I shed my precious blood for YOUR salvation?"
- I felt a tug on my shoulder " Wake up. It's time to go to sleep!". Natalie chortled. I opened my eyes. There were no cards on the table, no Jimmy. "Where's that weird guy I was with?" I turned, plaintively, to Natalie " What guy? You were sitting by yourself, staring into space." With that, I peeled two more Jacksons out of my bill fold . "This should cover my bar bill. Keep the change" As I toddled toward home, I muttered aloud," I've either got to quit drinking, or quit poker. I think it'll be poker!"