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sonuvabitch,I am such a retard...I deleted my last entry by mistake. Haha,anyway it's probably because I am so freakin tired I keep going on these 3 and half mile hikes right after work mostly because I like how I feel DURING them but when I get home all I want to do is sleep. My husband thinks I am insane but I don't really give a shit I can't stand just sitting around. I need to watch it though or else I will land myself right back where I was. In a way I wish I could not be as numb to everything as I am though like the other day I cut my ankles pretty badly and didn't even realize it until I got home and took my shoes off and they were totally soaked with blood. All I did was laugh,which is what I usually do when something like that happens but I do wish I could actually feel SOME genuine pain once in a while so I could feel a tad more human. I don't wish to be "normal" I guess but I like to experience things as they are and a lot of times things are surreal to me. I'm just now coming out of this antisocial behavior that I have been dealing with this past year which is really good because really I am a pretty talkative,active positive person and it sucked being in a shell that I couldn't get out of. Maybe the "numbness" will go away with time especially since now I have no coping mechanisms to keep me occupied. It does kind of make me wonder though if maybe being sadistically amused/numb to pain is a just a part of who I am.