uhg. ever start to write, and realize you're really angry about something that you hadn't noticed you were so upset by before? and that you're so angry and so upset on so many different levels, that you can't even think straight enough to explain what it is you're mad about, and why?
little things have been catching me by suprise like this. when i try and sort out the reasons, it just gets deeper and deeper. i feel like i need to make a chart just to map out all this fucking bitterness. because i can't get to the bottom of it. there's too much.
i think a lot of the problem might be that i really don't have anyone to talk to. not face to face, that is. no one i can call up and say, hey, let's go get a beer, or a cup of coffee. just to get out of this fucking house and have a conversation with someone. and by conversation, i mean, the thing where i talk, and you listen, and respond. and then you talk, and i listen, and i respond. and during all this, we're talking about the same thing. and you're not waiting until i'm done talking so you can one-up me, or invalidate whatever i just said, or turn the conversation around so that it revolves around you, your life, your problems, etc. and we spend the next three hours talking about you.
of course i'm talking about the general "you", and not anyone who might be reading this. you guys are cool. i'm talking about a need for someone with whom i could be in the same room with in fifteen minutes if i called them right now. who will actually listen to me, and not use me as some kind of sounding wall or dump all their problems out on my lap and call it "co-miseration". it doesn't even have to be someone to bitch to. just someone with whom i can talk to. hang out with. relax with. have adventures with.
it makes me really sad to realize how lonely i am; to realize that my boyfriend, my friends, the people i see every night in the bar- that none of these people qualify as what i'm talking about above.
so it all pours out here. sorry about that.
little things have been catching me by suprise like this. when i try and sort out the reasons, it just gets deeper and deeper. i feel like i need to make a chart just to map out all this fucking bitterness. because i can't get to the bottom of it. there's too much.
i think a lot of the problem might be that i really don't have anyone to talk to. not face to face, that is. no one i can call up and say, hey, let's go get a beer, or a cup of coffee. just to get out of this fucking house and have a conversation with someone. and by conversation, i mean, the thing where i talk, and you listen, and respond. and then you talk, and i listen, and i respond. and during all this, we're talking about the same thing. and you're not waiting until i'm done talking so you can one-up me, or invalidate whatever i just said, or turn the conversation around so that it revolves around you, your life, your problems, etc. and we spend the next three hours talking about you.
of course i'm talking about the general "you", and not anyone who might be reading this. you guys are cool. i'm talking about a need for someone with whom i could be in the same room with in fifteen minutes if i called them right now. who will actually listen to me, and not use me as some kind of sounding wall or dump all their problems out on my lap and call it "co-miseration". it doesn't even have to be someone to bitch to. just someone with whom i can talk to. hang out with. relax with. have adventures with.
it makes me really sad to realize how lonely i am; to realize that my boyfriend, my friends, the people i see every night in the bar- that none of these people qualify as what i'm talking about above.
so it all pours out here. sorry about that.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
ondyne:
It's funny I was thinking the same thing recently. I've had somethings happen this past week that I need to converse about to someone face to face, but the closest I can get is talking to my girl who Selket for hours on end on the phone. The worst part is, I know I won't find that kind of friend here in BR. If we lived just a teeny bit closer we could vent/converse together. 
melvina:
i promise to move soon. cause. your journal entry. yeah. me too. fuck.