today it's cold. i feel half-dead. that's about the simplest way to describe it, i think. last night. fall alseep shivering. wake up a short time later in cold sweats. no real dreams, just regurgitation. just whatever i watched on t.v., or overheard from the next room. nothing of my own. yeah, i've been feeling like that, lately. like i owe. something or someone. like anything i do or say is going towards paying off a debt. but i don't remember borrowing a damned thing. and. i'm pretty sure i'm getting screwed. maybe i'm paying off someone else's debt. who knows. it's a silly way to describe it all, yeah. but i sure as hell am not living for myself these days. so take it as you may. take it all. i wouldn't want it anyway. i wouldn't know what to do with it.
and maybe i'm getting sick. the signs point to it. or symptoms, rather. tight chest. headache. body ache. sore throat. the usual suspects. someone told me there was a bug going around. although how i might have caught it. well. i haven't really seen anyone. haven't left the house. haven't wanted to. everything is too much effort these days. nothing's really worth it. or worth anything. everything. but hey. i'm getting too sullen. these kind of black moods feed off themselves; feed off whatever you let them have.
why even fight it? i mean. honestly. what's worth fighting for? it was gone a long time ago. the fight in me. and the ghosts, all that is left, they're disipating. there's nothing to hold them, anyway. and hell. i could point fingers, lay blame, become angry, rage as if something was stollen from me. but no. what's the use? it's me, all me. i lost it, or gave it away, or carelessly left it alone, let it get swiped, or broken, or fall into disrepair. and now. now.
just to sit. thinking of nothing. doing nothing. feeling nothing. day in, day out. watch cars drive past. watch birds fly over. watch people come in, do a little dance, and vanish. let it all pass. all of it. let it pass. say nothing. give up. grow old. die. what the hell. it's not like i've got any plans.
and maybe i'm getting sick. the signs point to it. or symptoms, rather. tight chest. headache. body ache. sore throat. the usual suspects. someone told me there was a bug going around. although how i might have caught it. well. i haven't really seen anyone. haven't left the house. haven't wanted to. everything is too much effort these days. nothing's really worth it. or worth anything. everything. but hey. i'm getting too sullen. these kind of black moods feed off themselves; feed off whatever you let them have.
why even fight it? i mean. honestly. what's worth fighting for? it was gone a long time ago. the fight in me. and the ghosts, all that is left, they're disipating. there's nothing to hold them, anyway. and hell. i could point fingers, lay blame, become angry, rage as if something was stollen from me. but no. what's the use? it's me, all me. i lost it, or gave it away, or carelessly left it alone, let it get swiped, or broken, or fall into disrepair. and now. now.
just to sit. thinking of nothing. doing nothing. feeling nothing. day in, day out. watch cars drive past. watch birds fly over. watch people come in, do a little dance, and vanish. let it all pass. all of it. let it pass. say nothing. give up. grow old. die. what the hell. it's not like i've got any plans.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Its at times when you don't have any energy to do things that you tend to let your mind wander. Sometimes the results are good. Sometimes bad. I know it happens a lot to me. Especially at night if I'm home. The smallest things piss me off and I end up going to bed in a rage. These things will eventually pass. Don't worry.
Come to the show tomorrow.
its depressing
im lonely and bored and i sure as hell hope youre faring better dear.
i know about the fighting
the waning away wondering and wishing and such *shrugs*
*hugs*
heres to raising a glass and hoping you feel better and are in the company of good friends soon