hyenahell

expect no insight this afternoon. i am spent, literally and figuratively. turned inside out like an empty pocket, with nothing to show.

i am, i think, going to seclude myself for a week or so. i need the time alone, to think, to work, to get a hold on things in my life right now. it's important. you might say, desperately imperitive.

my favorite job i ever had was when i taught art to spoiled rich kids. these kids were raised by t.v. and nannies (yeah, people still have those. funny, huh?) and were given everything they wanted. most of them had been to more foreign countries than i had. a lot of them wanted to be there, had ideas more or less of who they were. but some were pretty fucking terrible, without original ideas or opinions of the slightest.
so i'd say, fine. you "don't know what to make", huh?
they'd reply: "just tell me what to make."
being as, at the time, i was much less jaded about art, creativity and the human imagination, i wouldn't hear of this. so i'd threaten to send them on "vision quests".
some of them were so shocked by my stern insistance that they neither eat nor speak until they started to hallucinate and thus procured an idea, that they actually did get ideas. some would ask sullenly if that meant they couldn't drink soda, either. some just stared at me, as if i was a moron.
now, i am a moron, but that's not the point. there are reasons i wasn't hired back this summer, and that kind of stunt was just the tip of the iceburg, really. you really shouldn't encourage other people's children to starve themselves. but. and i stress, but.
i did get some kids to work, and got a few more to like it. and got a couple to turn out really interesting and original projects.

now instead of helping to expand young minds, i serve towards debilitating older ones. but, that's beside the point. the point, really, of this long-winded story was the vision quest part.

now, as some of you may know, and as all of you should have devised, i am, quite probably, 78% insane. social contact and interaction, i think, is about the only thing that keeps me mildly in touch with reality. so. isolation, really... leads to a kind of self-contained insanity. strange. i've done most of my best work under the influence of such isolation. and some of my worst.

but one thing is certain- when i'm alone for long periods, things start to fall away. things start appearing, disappearing and carrying on conversations with me. call it what you will. call it schitzophrenia. i prefer to believe the kind folks at the institution when they informed me that i "probably wasn't" schitzophrenic. maybe i was, they told me, but if that was so it probably would manifest itself soon, in which case they'd be seing me again. in any case, let's just call it an over-active imagination.

now, in my case, at least, when you are completely uncertain that anything around you is really happening or even exists, then you'd better be damn sure of yourself. which is indeed what i need right now. and so, blah, blah, yeah, yeah- embarking on said "vision quest" of rich kid art school fame by isolation,

yeah. it's like that. but less comical, less dramatic, and probably less interesting. my explanations are always more interesting than my reasons, though. i think it's my curse.
so i'll see y'all next week.



huh? still here, eh? heh. fools!
xoxoxo love -Hyena.