hyenahell

so. i've felt like hell for the past two days, some sort of respiratory thing. i, of course, suspect consumption. i've managed to cut back my smoking (from two pack a day) and that seems to have helped, but i am not wholly well and it is irritating. i think most people take simple things, like breathing, for granted. i had asthma when i was a kid, but i'd forgotten what it was like to not be able to get a full breath. i imagine how shitty i feel, how helpless i feel right now and say to myself, "alright, kiddo- you keep up at the rate you're going and this is gonna be you every day."
and so maybe i'll quit. and i see my father, shaking his head through a violent cough and telling me to give it up while i am still young, before i'm as bad as he is. and i think of my mother, cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, saying she'll quit smoking when she's dead. so... maybe.