Every time I remember an uncomfortable event or moment in my life I do some sort of physical action.
If I'm walking I'll do a little skip. I've noticed I do this one quite frequently. Just where I'll switch feet. I was walking underneath the tunnel on campus and I thought of Karin and how we left with such on such a crappy note. I asked her if I could still IM her and stay in touch, and she was kind of ambivalent. It was really disappointing. We haven't talked to this day. I emailed her on her birthday in January and she never replied back. Every time I think about the Anime Convention, or Anime in general for the most part, I think of her.
I'll curl my toes in my shoe (left foot only) often now. This is more subtle and I haven't really picked up on it until tonight. I do this when I'm at my desk, or sitting down. One time, I remember I brought two friends over to my place, and we ended up watching part of Dahmer. Every time I see that movie on TV, I'll remember the awkwardness of that, us sitting there. It wasn't really something fun, but I had nothing of my own to offer, so I just joined my roommates, and had two friends in tow. It was just so awkward. Also, Stoli Vanil, aside from being a good vodka, is also stigmatized to the same event because that's what we were drinking that night.
Every now and then I'll make this slow exaggerated arm stretching thing. It may just look like I'm yawning, or stretching my arms, but sometimes, that's just me remembering another stupid thing I did. There's one that specifically sticks out, and it's been with me for 9 years (for those of you keeping track, this was in England). I was walking down the hallway next to the stairs in my friend's house. His mom was coming the other way, and she had the under-closet cabinet door open. So there was this big thing about who should go first, or how to maneuver around the door, and I eventually ended up going first, and the awkwardness has stuck with me ever since. There are ones that go back further than that--I could tell stories about when I was in elementary school that still haunt me.
There are countless other examples of interactions that I've completely botched. One recent thing I did was fall asleep before having sex. Yeah. That caused a lot of awkwardness and confusion for the next 9 days or so.
I'm wildly optimistic about the far future. I can think everything I want about a year from now, where I'll be, who I'll be with, what I'll be doing. The near future, like the next 24 hours from whenever, or the present and certainly the past bring out a definitely different side of me. I'm terribly negative towards myself, I think that's one of the reasons for my wild optimism regarding the future--It'll get better than this, it has to be. I also aim for things that are wholly unrealistic and selfish. It allows me to always have something to think toward. If I achieve everything I want, then why bother with anything else? Wanting the unattainable just keeps me going.
But I'm very negative towards myself in the past, present and near-future. When people come up to me and say "Hey, how's it going?" on campus, or whatever, I know they're looking for just small talk and just to fill time, but I always bring something up, or some aspect of what I'm doing that is negative. I could be developing a cure for cancer, and I'll talk about how the lab manager is a dick, or how a machine broke. And then I"ll walk away from the conversation and stretch my arms.
I nitpick, I'll find the one thing that I shouldn't address and I'll bring it up. I'll find a way to make the conversation suck. It's very hard to walk with one foot on the ground and the other in one's mouth. The past is all I have, and if I turn that all into negativisms, does that make me completely negative? Of course, no one wants to hear about negative things. Especially in this town.
Whenever someone says "I really don't want to talk about this" I'll always freeze up, because even if I have a million other things to talk about, I'll start self-censoring, lest that line of conversation is unwanted too.
It's funny though, because I don't keep a lot of old stuff. I don't keep souveniers or ticket stubs or "bric-a-brac" as they call it. I always think that I can just recall it perfectly from memory, why does there have to be something to remind me if I can just recall it from memory. If I write it down, I'll forget it, but I'll remember where I wrote it down, so I could recall it later. I used to know fifty phone numbers by heart, at the least. With my cell phone, I forgot them all, except for important ones like my home phone, or my dad, or one of my roommates'.
I can't move on from the past because that's all I have. And I really don't want to move on. Even though it hurts me and everyone else. I don't want to move on because moving on would mean not acknowledging the past. We are all beings in history, and if we don't take that into account, we'll certainly repeat it again and again. (so clich, I know). Even though I know that, I still do repeat myself over and over. I don't remember important things, like where people are going, or what people's schedules are, or what they just told me fifteen minutes ago. I'm a pretty horrible memorizer when it comes to important stuff. actually.
Basically, it comes down to this: I don't like myself. I live for other people. I help people with their problems because I don't want to deal with my own.
The difference between intentions and actions huh?
If I'm walking I'll do a little skip. I've noticed I do this one quite frequently. Just where I'll switch feet. I was walking underneath the tunnel on campus and I thought of Karin and how we left with such on such a crappy note. I asked her if I could still IM her and stay in touch, and she was kind of ambivalent. It was really disappointing. We haven't talked to this day. I emailed her on her birthday in January and she never replied back. Every time I think about the Anime Convention, or Anime in general for the most part, I think of her.
I'll curl my toes in my shoe (left foot only) often now. This is more subtle and I haven't really picked up on it until tonight. I do this when I'm at my desk, or sitting down. One time, I remember I brought two friends over to my place, and we ended up watching part of Dahmer. Every time I see that movie on TV, I'll remember the awkwardness of that, us sitting there. It wasn't really something fun, but I had nothing of my own to offer, so I just joined my roommates, and had two friends in tow. It was just so awkward. Also, Stoli Vanil, aside from being a good vodka, is also stigmatized to the same event because that's what we were drinking that night.
Every now and then I'll make this slow exaggerated arm stretching thing. It may just look like I'm yawning, or stretching my arms, but sometimes, that's just me remembering another stupid thing I did. There's one that specifically sticks out, and it's been with me for 9 years (for those of you keeping track, this was in England). I was walking down the hallway next to the stairs in my friend's house. His mom was coming the other way, and she had the under-closet cabinet door open. So there was this big thing about who should go first, or how to maneuver around the door, and I eventually ended up going first, and the awkwardness has stuck with me ever since. There are ones that go back further than that--I could tell stories about when I was in elementary school that still haunt me.
There are countless other examples of interactions that I've completely botched. One recent thing I did was fall asleep before having sex. Yeah. That caused a lot of awkwardness and confusion for the next 9 days or so.
I'm wildly optimistic about the far future. I can think everything I want about a year from now, where I'll be, who I'll be with, what I'll be doing. The near future, like the next 24 hours from whenever, or the present and certainly the past bring out a definitely different side of me. I'm terribly negative towards myself, I think that's one of the reasons for my wild optimism regarding the future--It'll get better than this, it has to be. I also aim for things that are wholly unrealistic and selfish. It allows me to always have something to think toward. If I achieve everything I want, then why bother with anything else? Wanting the unattainable just keeps me going.
But I'm very negative towards myself in the past, present and near-future. When people come up to me and say "Hey, how's it going?" on campus, or whatever, I know they're looking for just small talk and just to fill time, but I always bring something up, or some aspect of what I'm doing that is negative. I could be developing a cure for cancer, and I'll talk about how the lab manager is a dick, or how a machine broke. And then I"ll walk away from the conversation and stretch my arms.
I nitpick, I'll find the one thing that I shouldn't address and I'll bring it up. I'll find a way to make the conversation suck. It's very hard to walk with one foot on the ground and the other in one's mouth. The past is all I have, and if I turn that all into negativisms, does that make me completely negative? Of course, no one wants to hear about negative things. Especially in this town.
Whenever someone says "I really don't want to talk about this" I'll always freeze up, because even if I have a million other things to talk about, I'll start self-censoring, lest that line of conversation is unwanted too.
It's funny though, because I don't keep a lot of old stuff. I don't keep souveniers or ticket stubs or "bric-a-brac" as they call it. I always think that I can just recall it perfectly from memory, why does there have to be something to remind me if I can just recall it from memory. If I write it down, I'll forget it, but I'll remember where I wrote it down, so I could recall it later. I used to know fifty phone numbers by heart, at the least. With my cell phone, I forgot them all, except for important ones like my home phone, or my dad, or one of my roommates'.
I can't move on from the past because that's all I have. And I really don't want to move on. Even though it hurts me and everyone else. I don't want to move on because moving on would mean not acknowledging the past. We are all beings in history, and if we don't take that into account, we'll certainly repeat it again and again. (so clich, I know). Even though I know that, I still do repeat myself over and over. I don't remember important things, like where people are going, or what people's schedules are, or what they just told me fifteen minutes ago. I'm a pretty horrible memorizer when it comes to important stuff. actually.
Basically, it comes down to this: I don't like myself. I live for other people. I help people with their problems because I don't want to deal with my own.
The difference between intentions and actions huh?