well, another week has gone by. one week of working the overnight shifts basically. since its really great for messing up my already somewhat screwed up sleep schedule, its doing a doozy on me now. and since my other shifts are late night cashier shifts (9 PM to 2 AM), yeah, I'm screwed.
big rant, you were warned!
add to that the stress of trying to find a job, and this is all putting me in such a great mood, let me tell you. I know people keep say trying. then I get wonderful advice from people like my mom, who says "A friend's daughter was a substitute for three years before she got her full-time teaching job, so you might just have to wait." well, mom, how many times have you seen a substitute school counselor? unless its a long-term sub, NEVER. so what good does it make to tell me about a substitute teacher when its only relationship to me is that it is in the school. its like telling someone who's trying to be a Principal or Superintendent "well, my friend's child was a substitute in that district for three years before s/he got hired." yeah, it doesn't do us much good. and it still sucks!
money is tight again. and again, i get the wonderful "You have to budget better" advice from a mom who...
1. has bill collectors calling her all summer long because she can't pay her bills. yet manages to eat out at least once a week.
2. I buy about $50 in food every other week. she gets $185 from my step-father every other week. I buy, she should buy, and so on. well, she uses that money for her bills. and then makes comments about me "Don't you shop this week?" no, last week. then I get "What, you only live here every other week?" one week, I buy a $60 gift card to Wegmans (got 10% off). I tell her to shop for the week, using $50. big mistake. she spent the entire $60. and seriously, she got stuff that lasted a few days. and her Iced Teas. odd, how I can spend $50 and have it last 2 weeks, she spends $65+ and it lasts a few days. and what happened to budgeting?
3. and she still owes me money! coming up on at least 9 months if not a year!
so yeah, her harping on me really sucks, too! she keeps telling me crap, and basically I want to look at her and go "and you are such a great example, aren't you?"
add to all this stress how hard I had to fight to get my degree and get everything to get a school counseling job. I was told at least 3 times (yes, three times) that I should not be a school counselor. once at a Practicum setting (where all I did was watch), once by a supervisor (who saw me as having depression...then again, he saw depression everywhere. then again, he was under treatment for it as well....hmmmm...?), and then by APEC (Academic Performance Evaluation Committee). by this time I was in counseling, where I had a counselor actually sticking up for me (whoo-hoo! his view on the internship...."bad match-up with the supervisor.") so it took me an additional 1/2 year (and withdrawing from an internship part-way through the second semester) to finally graduate with my degree. something that should have taken me about 1 1/2 to 2 years ended up taking me 2 1/2 years. yeah, that sucks. I graduate, to enter a market where jobs are being cut because the County Executive proposed a plan to cuts school budgets. so schools cut positions. the funding is back. but not the positions. guessing it will go towards hiring more teachers, improving the buildings, and paying administrators. and school counselors (my position, which, interestingly enough, being the position that builds the schedule and puts kids into the right classes and helps students be in the right mind-set to succeed in school and be the ones called upon in emergencies) are seen as a "luxury" and not as needed. or better...why hire more when you can add to the caseloads of counselors. but demand a "Comprehensive program." well, when the comprehensive program calls for caseloads of 200 to 250 students and each counselor has over 300 to 350 students....not going to happen. kind of like asking teachers to teach 35 students like they would 20 to 25 and show each student individual attention...not going to happen!
so now here I sit and I can't find a damn job. add to that the stress of money being super-tight. I'm seriously one car break-down away that isn't covered from being screwed. stress coming from all sides. and then having no job interviews or anything. I left Residence Life, a high-stress field, to try and reduce my stress load. and instead, it seems that I have piled it up even higher on me!
so yeah, here i sit. everyone tells me "don't worry, something will come along." "Don't worry, you'll see." "Try to be positive." well, sorry, positive doesn't work in my life...
1. dating has sucked in my life. I'm the nice guy that all th girls like to talk to about issues and such, but no one is interested in dating. the girls just don't "see me like that." and this has included girls that pretty much dated anyone that showed interest (except me) and girls that dated anyone. yeah, had one girl I had a crush on for a year or so. she ended up dating some asshole. I was told by an old acquaintance this. I told her I was interested in dating, he told me "Why didn't you ask her? From what I hear, she dates anyone." to which I respond "I did, three times..." and he simply went "Oh."
2. things I have hoped for or wanted in life, doesn't seem to happen. I'm not talking about winning the lottery. I'm talking simple things. friends who will listen. finding out my uncle disappeared and hoping he would be found alive somewhere, having left for a while (instead finding out that he shot himself). or even when dating (the few and far between times that happens), when I get in a fight with the girlfriend, having her actually talk to me and try to work it out instead of finding it easier and better to dump me. stuff like that.
so yeah, I can be optimistic for everyone else out there. not so much for me. people say "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade." but how many times can life throw you lemons (or worse) before you finally go "What the f*ck else can it throw at me? and why even bother hoping?"
told you it was a rant...sorry!
big rant, you were warned!
add to that the stress of trying to find a job, and this is all putting me in such a great mood, let me tell you. I know people keep say trying. then I get wonderful advice from people like my mom, who says "A friend's daughter was a substitute for three years before she got her full-time teaching job, so you might just have to wait." well, mom, how many times have you seen a substitute school counselor? unless its a long-term sub, NEVER. so what good does it make to tell me about a substitute teacher when its only relationship to me is that it is in the school. its like telling someone who's trying to be a Principal or Superintendent "well, my friend's child was a substitute in that district for three years before s/he got hired." yeah, it doesn't do us much good. and it still sucks!
money is tight again. and again, i get the wonderful "You have to budget better" advice from a mom who...
1. has bill collectors calling her all summer long because she can't pay her bills. yet manages to eat out at least once a week.
2. I buy about $50 in food every other week. she gets $185 from my step-father every other week. I buy, she should buy, and so on. well, she uses that money for her bills. and then makes comments about me "Don't you shop this week?" no, last week. then I get "What, you only live here every other week?" one week, I buy a $60 gift card to Wegmans (got 10% off). I tell her to shop for the week, using $50. big mistake. she spent the entire $60. and seriously, she got stuff that lasted a few days. and her Iced Teas. odd, how I can spend $50 and have it last 2 weeks, she spends $65+ and it lasts a few days. and what happened to budgeting?
3. and she still owes me money! coming up on at least 9 months if not a year!
so yeah, her harping on me really sucks, too! she keeps telling me crap, and basically I want to look at her and go "and you are such a great example, aren't you?"
add to all this stress how hard I had to fight to get my degree and get everything to get a school counseling job. I was told at least 3 times (yes, three times) that I should not be a school counselor. once at a Practicum setting (where all I did was watch), once by a supervisor (who saw me as having depression...then again, he saw depression everywhere. then again, he was under treatment for it as well....hmmmm...?), and then by APEC (Academic Performance Evaluation Committee). by this time I was in counseling, where I had a counselor actually sticking up for me (whoo-hoo! his view on the internship...."bad match-up with the supervisor.") so it took me an additional 1/2 year (and withdrawing from an internship part-way through the second semester) to finally graduate with my degree. something that should have taken me about 1 1/2 to 2 years ended up taking me 2 1/2 years. yeah, that sucks. I graduate, to enter a market where jobs are being cut because the County Executive proposed a plan to cuts school budgets. so schools cut positions. the funding is back. but not the positions. guessing it will go towards hiring more teachers, improving the buildings, and paying administrators. and school counselors (my position, which, interestingly enough, being the position that builds the schedule and puts kids into the right classes and helps students be in the right mind-set to succeed in school and be the ones called upon in emergencies) are seen as a "luxury" and not as needed. or better...why hire more when you can add to the caseloads of counselors. but demand a "Comprehensive program." well, when the comprehensive program calls for caseloads of 200 to 250 students and each counselor has over 300 to 350 students....not going to happen. kind of like asking teachers to teach 35 students like they would 20 to 25 and show each student individual attention...not going to happen!
so now here I sit and I can't find a damn job. add to that the stress of money being super-tight. I'm seriously one car break-down away that isn't covered from being screwed. stress coming from all sides. and then having no job interviews or anything. I left Residence Life, a high-stress field, to try and reduce my stress load. and instead, it seems that I have piled it up even higher on me!
so yeah, here i sit. everyone tells me "don't worry, something will come along." "Don't worry, you'll see." "Try to be positive." well, sorry, positive doesn't work in my life...
1. dating has sucked in my life. I'm the nice guy that all th girls like to talk to about issues and such, but no one is interested in dating. the girls just don't "see me like that." and this has included girls that pretty much dated anyone that showed interest (except me) and girls that dated anyone. yeah, had one girl I had a crush on for a year or so. she ended up dating some asshole. I was told by an old acquaintance this. I told her I was interested in dating, he told me "Why didn't you ask her? From what I hear, she dates anyone." to which I respond "I did, three times..." and he simply went "Oh."
2. things I have hoped for or wanted in life, doesn't seem to happen. I'm not talking about winning the lottery. I'm talking simple things. friends who will listen. finding out my uncle disappeared and hoping he would be found alive somewhere, having left for a while (instead finding out that he shot himself). or even when dating (the few and far between times that happens), when I get in a fight with the girlfriend, having her actually talk to me and try to work it out instead of finding it easier and better to dump me. stuff like that.
so yeah, I can be optimistic for everyone else out there. not so much for me. people say "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade." but how many times can life throw you lemons (or worse) before you finally go "What the f*ck else can it throw at me? and why even bother hoping?"
told you it was a rant...sorry!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
bender99:
All I can say is hang in there, I know it doesn't help much but what ither choice do we have?
bender99:
Any news yet? I haven't heard anything yet, I think I am going to start applying to tutoring agencies.