hellstorm

thank you everyone for the words recently. I'm sitting here, tears in my eyes, as I've begun the process I need to. the idea of sitting here, thinking of something, and feeling. feeling the pain or hurt or sorrow or guilt or happiness or joy or sadness or any other emotion that goes with it. listening to that voice in my head, that idea of telling me "Hey, what is this?" or "take notice of this!"

I'm thinking that I will not be able to get that same level of intensity I would have gotten when something occurred. I highly doubt I'll cry like I would have when any of my grandparents died if I let myself, or my uncle, or anyone else in my family. I can not at this point in time grieve for my losses like I would have at that time.

its odd, as I think about my uncle's suicide, the one thing I never really verbalized, but felt so deeply, was just how alone I was. here I am, hurting, grieving, and watching how everyone else in my family had someone there for them. my cousin and his wife. my sister and her boyfriend. hell, even my step-father was there (the cold, unemotionally, heartless person he is) for my mom. everyone had someone there who's sole concern was for them. except for me.

I think that's been one of the toughest things for me to deal with, that feeling of being alone. I worked in Residence Life for five years, yet felt alone every day. I would sit in an apartment, surrounded by up to 200+ kids, and yet still I felt as if I was alone in this world. its a scary thought and feeling, to sit there, surrounded by people, and wonder if that if something happened to you, would anyone notice? would anyone really care if you suddenly disappeared, went away, anything? it truly is.

so I'm hoping this will help. sitting there, writing, feeling, connecting what I write to what I feel. not worrying about anything else in the world by the writing. not classes, not internship, not work. just me and my journal, writing things down as they come to me. yup, definitely a scary thought. afterwards, who do I share this with? is there anyone I do need to share this with?

perhaps one thing I need to learn is to be happy with myself, to be happy alone. I might just end up that way, alone in my life. is that really a bad thing? is it truly so bad that it drives me crazy to be alone in my life? or is it really not that bad at all? such questions come to mind as I think this through.

so, wish me luck. I wrote a journal, and made my intentions clear. I have to let my family know, so they won't come in and disrupt me. if I'm crying or sobbing, let me be. let me get it all out. let me feel freely for the first time in my adult life. let me feel freely for the first time in so very long. let me have the time and place to be who I am, not worry about anything. if I don't want to come out of my room, that's my choice. if I don't want to deal with anyone, that is my choice. just let me be.

well, hope this makes sense. hate to dump things on people. at age 30 (soon to be 31), I don't want to fail a class for the first time in my life. I don't want to fail in something I've struggled to do. instead, I want to succeed in ways I can't even imagine. not only do I want to be a great counselor, but I want to be a good person. and a complete person. instead of someone who hides away who I am and what I am and how I feel and is afraid to be vulnerable, I want to be able to open up in a way that allows me to be me, a complete me, and not some shadow of myself.

I hope writing helps. its something I can do alone. self-reflection. if not, its back to the drawing board!

wish me luck!

ADDENDUM 3/11:

well, 15 minutes left in my birthday. yes, work sucked. got my cake. Applebees for dinner. I have the graphic novel for "300" coming. lotto tickets were all losers....bleck! thanks for all the birthday wishes!

and just talked to my mom about things. how I've been seeing a counselor. and next week. and how I might need to take an extra semester, to get things taken care of. I might even be seeing a psychiatrist for medication. I don't know yet. and she's supportive. she pointed out to me "You have no social outlet. All it seems to be with you is work and school. You don't have that outlet, and you need it." so that was good.

so I just have to wait and see. talk it over with my supervisor(s) and get their final input. and talk it over with my counselor.

honestly, as I've thought things more this past week, I truly wonder about this question "Have I been living most if not all my adult life with depression?"