very unhappy blog, you've been warned:
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
ahh, what a week its been.....its sucked.
last week, I turned in my evaluation so far. my internship has been different. I know the material. what's holding me back is the personal issues I've accumulated throughout the 30 years I've been here. the entire middle child stuff. if you look back a few entries, I wrote something about it.
well, in my evaluation, I got 2 "1's" and one "2". the 2 was for appearance, which my supervisor said that we both failed. the 1's were in "Displays effective communication" and "Shows awareness of strengths and weaknesses". his view is that I need to speak louder and be able to speak up for myself (tough task for me, trust me) and that I haven't found all my strengths yet.
as a result, though, for me to graduate in May, there are four things I have to accomplish:
1. show evidence of working on my personal issues, and keeping my personal issues from interferring or becoming a part of my professional career (not too tough, I rarely talk about myself. although a professor thought that I had a need for acceptance that was coming into me as a counselor. then again, she would talk about her troubles with her teenage daughter with one of her clients....WTF!)
2. be able to build and maintain a counseling relationship with students (yeah, working on that, would be nice if I had a few students to work with....although I might be able to snag one later this week!)
3. have a self-evaluation that accurately reflects what my supervisor says about me (this could be tough!)
4. have a self-evaluation that accurately reflects what a selected few others say about me (now this is going to suck!)
and, if I don't succeed in this, well, I either have to re-take the internship in the Fall (more money....damn I'm getting close on those student loans!) or go before the Academic Performance Evaluation Committee. the Committee could tell me "well, you're done, we're kicking you out, you're not graduating" if they want to.
talk about being stressed out! the only reason why I'm not in front of the committee now is that I have shown improvement, and I'm in counseling to work on my stuff.
but, it really feels like that I may have chosen the wrong profession now. I'm struggling with this things that I really don't know if I should struggle with. I'm also standing out again. I'm in a unique and different place than my classmates....and its becoming more and more painfully obvious to me about this. I'm probably the only one who's graduation revolves around personal issues, and not academic stuff.
oh this sucks big time. counseling is on Wednesday. until then, I get to live with the thoughts in my head right now that I'm not going to be able to succeed in these goals, and that I'm wasting my time. I'm feeling at times that I should give up or something, that I will never make it as a school counselor (despite having a Masters in Counseling and working on a Masters in School Counseling). however, if I fail at this, it really leaves me in a quandry of what to do. what other skills do I have? and where can I find a job with limited skills that will help me pay off over $100,000 in student loans? I'm approaching the maximum I can take out now. I'm stuck! I make it, or pretty much I've failed at building the first career in my life. and I'm not sure what other options I have left. work in Residence Life again. I left that before, though, because of how badly it was wearing me out.
so yeah, this sucks. and the toughest part is, well, outside of a counselor (and maybe my supervisor), I don't have anyone to talk to about this. part of my problem has been the fact that, well, my family SUCKS at listening to me. my mom is too damn wrapped up in her issues. the last time I saw my dad was, um, September I think. my closest friend might be Geneva, NY (about an hour away). beyond that, we're talking Pennslyvania or Minnesota.
or the people on this website. that I don't see too much.
and to make my life even more stressful, and the week that much better, Thursday was the anniversary of my uncle's suicide, and there's a lot of stuff going on there. I'm working way too little at work, but can't really pick up more hours due to the way I'm scheduled (I'm basically working 2 days a week overnight). I had to take an incomplete for my one class because I couldn't finish the one assignment (a consultation piece...its so nice when you're part of a team that does not meet for months). money's tight, my mom is doing her "I just don't have the money this year" speech again, she expects to borrow about a grand from me when I get my refund in (mind you, when she borrowed $300 from me before, she promised to pay me back by mid-October, then changed to mid-November, and then finally just paid me back this past week, in part because she let me use her gas card since I was running out of money) with the promise that she'll pay me back in February. and if I tell her "look, I don't trust you to pay me back" I'll get the lecture "You live here for free, blah blah blah" and I feel like saying "You're the one who pays for nothing, gets almost $300 a month to grocery shop with....that you end up keeping about half to pay your bills with, don't want to get a job that will allow you to pay your bills, use the internet I pay for, monopolize my computer...and I live here for free?" to respond. then she'll either start crying and throw on the guilt trip or get really pissed at me.
damn my life sucks! I so need a vacation or something!
instead, I get to plod away at this. sleep maybe 5 hours, or maybe 12 hours due to exhaustion, because of how stressed out I've become. living in constant tension...my shoulders are so tense, the muscles feel like they're going to snap. wanting to self-injure again (and its been 3 years since this last happen!). damn this sucks!
sometimes, I do wish I chose a field that was easier for me. I so so do! or that I wasn't so strong willed and thick headed that I refuse to give up. really, I do sometimes!
the worst part, I feel the need to cry behind my eyes, but it won't happen. I feel the need to really break down, but it won't. I don't have anyone here I feel would be there for me if I did. so instead I keep it all inside.
bleck.
ahh, what a week its been.....its sucked.
last week, I turned in my evaluation so far. my internship has been different. I know the material. what's holding me back is the personal issues I've accumulated throughout the 30 years I've been here. the entire middle child stuff. if you look back a few entries, I wrote something about it.
well, in my evaluation, I got 2 "1's" and one "2". the 2 was for appearance, which my supervisor said that we both failed. the 1's were in "Displays effective communication" and "Shows awareness of strengths and weaknesses". his view is that I need to speak louder and be able to speak up for myself (tough task for me, trust me) and that I haven't found all my strengths yet.
as a result, though, for me to graduate in May, there are four things I have to accomplish:
1. show evidence of working on my personal issues, and keeping my personal issues from interferring or becoming a part of my professional career (not too tough, I rarely talk about myself. although a professor thought that I had a need for acceptance that was coming into me as a counselor. then again, she would talk about her troubles with her teenage daughter with one of her clients....WTF!)
2. be able to build and maintain a counseling relationship with students (yeah, working on that, would be nice if I had a few students to work with....although I might be able to snag one later this week!)
3. have a self-evaluation that accurately reflects what my supervisor says about me (this could be tough!)
4. have a self-evaluation that accurately reflects what a selected few others say about me (now this is going to suck!)
and, if I don't succeed in this, well, I either have to re-take the internship in the Fall (more money....damn I'm getting close on those student loans!) or go before the Academic Performance Evaluation Committee. the Committee could tell me "well, you're done, we're kicking you out, you're not graduating" if they want to.
talk about being stressed out! the only reason why I'm not in front of the committee now is that I have shown improvement, and I'm in counseling to work on my stuff.
but, it really feels like that I may have chosen the wrong profession now. I'm struggling with this things that I really don't know if I should struggle with. I'm also standing out again. I'm in a unique and different place than my classmates....and its becoming more and more painfully obvious to me about this. I'm probably the only one who's graduation revolves around personal issues, and not academic stuff.
oh this sucks big time. counseling is on Wednesday. until then, I get to live with the thoughts in my head right now that I'm not going to be able to succeed in these goals, and that I'm wasting my time. I'm feeling at times that I should give up or something, that I will never make it as a school counselor (despite having a Masters in Counseling and working on a Masters in School Counseling). however, if I fail at this, it really leaves me in a quandry of what to do. what other skills do I have? and where can I find a job with limited skills that will help me pay off over $100,000 in student loans? I'm approaching the maximum I can take out now. I'm stuck! I make it, or pretty much I've failed at building the first career in my life. and I'm not sure what other options I have left. work in Residence Life again. I left that before, though, because of how badly it was wearing me out.
so yeah, this sucks. and the toughest part is, well, outside of a counselor (and maybe my supervisor), I don't have anyone to talk to about this. part of my problem has been the fact that, well, my family SUCKS at listening to me. my mom is too damn wrapped up in her issues. the last time I saw my dad was, um, September I think. my closest friend might be Geneva, NY (about an hour away). beyond that, we're talking Pennslyvania or Minnesota.
or the people on this website. that I don't see too much.
and to make my life even more stressful, and the week that much better, Thursday was the anniversary of my uncle's suicide, and there's a lot of stuff going on there. I'm working way too little at work, but can't really pick up more hours due to the way I'm scheduled (I'm basically working 2 days a week overnight). I had to take an incomplete for my one class because I couldn't finish the one assignment (a consultation piece...its so nice when you're part of a team that does not meet for months). money's tight, my mom is doing her "I just don't have the money this year" speech again, she expects to borrow about a grand from me when I get my refund in (mind you, when she borrowed $300 from me before, she promised to pay me back by mid-October, then changed to mid-November, and then finally just paid me back this past week, in part because she let me use her gas card since I was running out of money) with the promise that she'll pay me back in February. and if I tell her "look, I don't trust you to pay me back" I'll get the lecture "You live here for free, blah blah blah" and I feel like saying "You're the one who pays for nothing, gets almost $300 a month to grocery shop with....that you end up keeping about half to pay your bills with, don't want to get a job that will allow you to pay your bills, use the internet I pay for, monopolize my computer...and I live here for free?" to respond. then she'll either start crying and throw on the guilt trip or get really pissed at me.
damn my life sucks! I so need a vacation or something!
instead, I get to plod away at this. sleep maybe 5 hours, or maybe 12 hours due to exhaustion, because of how stressed out I've become. living in constant tension...my shoulders are so tense, the muscles feel like they're going to snap. wanting to self-injure again (and its been 3 years since this last happen!). damn this sucks!
sometimes, I do wish I chose a field that was easier for me. I so so do! or that I wasn't so strong willed and thick headed that I refuse to give up. really, I do sometimes!
the worst part, I feel the need to cry behind my eyes, but it won't happen. I feel the need to really break down, but it won't. I don't have anyone here I feel would be there for me if I did. so instead I keep it all inside.
bleck.