well, survived the holidays intact. it was different than before. my step-father's parents did not come over....always a good thing (I get annoyed by her). and my second cousin came over. she's one of those people that if you dropped her in the middle of the desert, about a week later, she'll come walking out with a group of new friends.
also spent the last few days organizing and stuff. I worked on my portfolio for my internship, getting that organized (or at least started). I did some cleaning/throwing out in my room. I have a 2 bushel basket full of laundry to be put away (IE, hanging up all my shirts and putting my pants away). plus got lots of sleep. I mean LOTS of sleep.
also some thinking. as some may or may not be able to tell, life hasn't always been easy for me. mind you, nothing traumatic or anything. probably more of a combination of how I am and the circumstances I've lived through. I grew up in a single home (my father left when I was 9 months, 14 days old....do the math and you'll see why I know), and my mom did not get re-married (IE, no other male figure in the house) until I was about 13 years old. I grew up the middle child, with 2 sisters. my younger sister is my step-father's daughter, so he took care of her, and often times I could see her getting things I never got. my older sister is a very aggressive individual, not afraid to push her way through to get what she wants. being 4 years older than me as well has lead to the fact of me not speaking up for the longest time, since her favorite phrase to me growing up seemed to be "Shut up."
so where does that lead me now? I remember times shopping where my mom would spend all the money on my sisters and then tell me "Sorry, ran out, maybe next time." next time comes around, and the same thing. then I hear things like "You have to understand, they're girls, they're more fun to shop for." the message comes through loud and clear. and when I spoke up, I got told "Don't be selfish, she needs clothes too." mind you, I got that response when my mom and I went out shopping for my 18th birthday, and I expressed my lack of appreciation for her starting to shop for my younger sister instead. the entire "Um, we're here to shop for my birthday, right? so why are you shopping for her?"
and my older sister, well, being the first one to get a car, would need money to pay that, and such. at times, I was told "Sorry, we don't have the money set aside for new clothes for school, I had to give it to your older sister so she could pay her bills," and such. yup, it became evident where I fit in. and if I spoke up, I got shot down or told that I was wrong. so I learned to shut up, do things by myself, and not expect anything for me.
and now, its lead to some difficult things. my internship, I'm working on those issues. but it has also lead to me not speaking up for what I need to accomplish (I am taking an incomplete in a class because I couldn't get a project done, in part, because I didn't speak up fo myself.) and in my real life, for me to speak up or ask for something, well, I feel guilty or wrong if I do. almost as if I feel that I'm not entitled to anything I want. dating and relationships, everything, I never asked for something, because I felt guilty in doing so. the entire "How dare I ask for something for myself" mentality I now have. instead, I become a passive individual, perpetually thinking of the other person, to the detriment of myself.
and now I need to learn how to break this in me, so that I can start to be more complete, and not have my issues hold me back. the ability to say "Hey, I need this!" or "As a person, I think I deserve that!" instead of simply sitting by the wayside and accepting whatever I get. yup, speaking up for myself...its a tough thing to do.
>sigh<
gotta love my life. 30 years of dealing with this crap. maybe that's part of the reason why all my relationships have failed me. I expect nothing good for myself. so maybe I take the crap that is dished out. and when the girlfriend wants to end the relationship, instead of saying "No, I don't accept that decision without at least trying to work things out!" I simply take it. because I've learned that to ask for something for myself is wrong. and so I stopped asking a long time ago.
well, I'm off to sleep to get up in a few hours to work. joys.
also spent the last few days organizing and stuff. I worked on my portfolio for my internship, getting that organized (or at least started). I did some cleaning/throwing out in my room. I have a 2 bushel basket full of laundry to be put away (IE, hanging up all my shirts and putting my pants away). plus got lots of sleep. I mean LOTS of sleep.
also some thinking. as some may or may not be able to tell, life hasn't always been easy for me. mind you, nothing traumatic or anything. probably more of a combination of how I am and the circumstances I've lived through. I grew up in a single home (my father left when I was 9 months, 14 days old....do the math and you'll see why I know), and my mom did not get re-married (IE, no other male figure in the house) until I was about 13 years old. I grew up the middle child, with 2 sisters. my younger sister is my step-father's daughter, so he took care of her, and often times I could see her getting things I never got. my older sister is a very aggressive individual, not afraid to push her way through to get what she wants. being 4 years older than me as well has lead to the fact of me not speaking up for the longest time, since her favorite phrase to me growing up seemed to be "Shut up."
so where does that lead me now? I remember times shopping where my mom would spend all the money on my sisters and then tell me "Sorry, ran out, maybe next time." next time comes around, and the same thing. then I hear things like "You have to understand, they're girls, they're more fun to shop for." the message comes through loud and clear. and when I spoke up, I got told "Don't be selfish, she needs clothes too." mind you, I got that response when my mom and I went out shopping for my 18th birthday, and I expressed my lack of appreciation for her starting to shop for my younger sister instead. the entire "Um, we're here to shop for my birthday, right? so why are you shopping for her?"
and my older sister, well, being the first one to get a car, would need money to pay that, and such. at times, I was told "Sorry, we don't have the money set aside for new clothes for school, I had to give it to your older sister so she could pay her bills," and such. yup, it became evident where I fit in. and if I spoke up, I got shot down or told that I was wrong. so I learned to shut up, do things by myself, and not expect anything for me.
and now, its lead to some difficult things. my internship, I'm working on those issues. but it has also lead to me not speaking up for what I need to accomplish (I am taking an incomplete in a class because I couldn't get a project done, in part, because I didn't speak up fo myself.) and in my real life, for me to speak up or ask for something, well, I feel guilty or wrong if I do. almost as if I feel that I'm not entitled to anything I want. dating and relationships, everything, I never asked for something, because I felt guilty in doing so. the entire "How dare I ask for something for myself" mentality I now have. instead, I become a passive individual, perpetually thinking of the other person, to the detriment of myself.
and now I need to learn how to break this in me, so that I can start to be more complete, and not have my issues hold me back. the ability to say "Hey, I need this!" or "As a person, I think I deserve that!" instead of simply sitting by the wayside and accepting whatever I get. yup, speaking up for myself...its a tough thing to do.
>sigh<
gotta love my life. 30 years of dealing with this crap. maybe that's part of the reason why all my relationships have failed me. I expect nothing good for myself. so maybe I take the crap that is dished out. and when the girlfriend wants to end the relationship, instead of saying "No, I don't accept that decision without at least trying to work things out!" I simply take it. because I've learned that to ask for something for myself is wrong. and so I stopped asking a long time ago.
well, I'm off to sleep to get up in a few hours to work. joys.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
erragal:
sorry i have't posted to ur blog next week i should have time
jermhawk:
no its not