well, still trying to figure out the animals to draw. myself at work? I asked some people today. I was told a gopher, because I do the odd jobs and I'm always working and running around. but I don't think so.....trying to capture more of what I'm like (working at the job, plugging away, getting it done) right now at my job. maybe a beaver?
as for at play, that's really tough. I really haven't had time to "play" in recent memory. I've been too busy really. so this is getting really tough. I know what I like to do in my "down time". relax....usually by myself. I find it easier that way (less people to deal with).
as for when I was betrayed/found out I was cheating on, I'm an armadillo, all curled up in a ball, with just my ears and eyes peering out, looking for danger in this world. don't think I've come out of the ball, though.
kind of scary, after 5 years, it still carries so much weight. add to that all the crap that went down in 2005 (with both the girl I was kind of dating and my uncle's suicide), and I think I've retreated more into my shell. and it seems pretty much that's where I'm going to be stuck.
<not so happy part, be warned>
just really seems that I'm getting to the point that, while I would l*ve to find a girl out there for me, its almost too late for me. not just age (30). but the damage that has been done to me is so much and so deep, I'm such damaged goods, that I really don't know why anyone would want to bother trying to be with me. I really don't know if I can ever be "fixed" to a point where I have some sembelence of normality. I've lived my life as a social freak for so very long, this is what is normal for me, and I really don't know how to (or if I want to) exist in the "normal" world of society as a part of that world, instead of in the world but not of that world. does this sound strange to people? it just feels sometimes as if I'm a foreigner in the world today, not fitting in, and no idea how to.
add to that the damage from all the betrayals, well, to survive, I've built up walls. every once in a while, a girl comes along and breaks down those walls. I feel for a short while. then she decides for one reason or another to have nothing to do with me anymore. one of those where I get told I'm such a special person in one breathe, but dumped the next breathe when the relationship will actually take some work. gotta wonder what the true message really is. to me, well, I'm being told that I'm okay to be around as long as it doesn't take any work.
then the walls get built back up. and since I can learn from things, the walls are built that much stronger and tougher. I wonder if I've perfected the walls yet, where no one can get through. and if so, what then?
whew, sorry about that rant. had to get it out I think. oddly enough, it was sparked by Grey's Anatomy last night. the one character talked about people being "scary and damaged"....and at the end of the show, talked about his past and how he is "scary and damaged." and I'm the same way. scary and damaged. just that, I really wonder....am I too damaged to be worth anyone's time?
as for at play, that's really tough. I really haven't had time to "play" in recent memory. I've been too busy really. so this is getting really tough. I know what I like to do in my "down time". relax....usually by myself. I find it easier that way (less people to deal with).
as for when I was betrayed/found out I was cheating on, I'm an armadillo, all curled up in a ball, with just my ears and eyes peering out, looking for danger in this world. don't think I've come out of the ball, though.
kind of scary, after 5 years, it still carries so much weight. add to that all the crap that went down in 2005 (with both the girl I was kind of dating and my uncle's suicide), and I think I've retreated more into my shell. and it seems pretty much that's where I'm going to be stuck.
<not so happy part, be warned>
just really seems that I'm getting to the point that, while I would l*ve to find a girl out there for me, its almost too late for me. not just age (30). but the damage that has been done to me is so much and so deep, I'm such damaged goods, that I really don't know why anyone would want to bother trying to be with me. I really don't know if I can ever be "fixed" to a point where I have some sembelence of normality. I've lived my life as a social freak for so very long, this is what is normal for me, and I really don't know how to (or if I want to) exist in the "normal" world of society as a part of that world, instead of in the world but not of that world. does this sound strange to people? it just feels sometimes as if I'm a foreigner in the world today, not fitting in, and no idea how to.
add to that the damage from all the betrayals, well, to survive, I've built up walls. every once in a while, a girl comes along and breaks down those walls. I feel for a short while. then she decides for one reason or another to have nothing to do with me anymore. one of those where I get told I'm such a special person in one breathe, but dumped the next breathe when the relationship will actually take some work. gotta wonder what the true message really is. to me, well, I'm being told that I'm okay to be around as long as it doesn't take any work.
then the walls get built back up. and since I can learn from things, the walls are built that much stronger and tougher. I wonder if I've perfected the walls yet, where no one can get through. and if so, what then?
whew, sorry about that rant. had to get it out I think. oddly enough, it was sparked by Grey's Anatomy last night. the one character talked about people being "scary and damaged"....and at the end of the show, talked about his past and how he is "scary and damaged." and I'm the same way. scary and damaged. just that, I really wonder....am I too damaged to be worth anyone's time?
I want to hear what is good about you.
You have studied enough to know what I am going to say...so I don't need to say it.
I want you to tell me 8 positive things about yourlsef....and I cant wait to hear them!