As I grow older the more I feel left behind, or as though I don’t belong. It never really bothers me aside from a case of mild ontological insecurity (feeling like an outsider, a tourist). I occasionally find myself doing things for the approval of others or thinking if I do a certain thing I’ll win points, it’s never been my way, I’ve always been really self assured. I’m left wondering why I’ve become so easily influenced when I’m more aware than ever how trends come and go, what fits one might not fit another and this coherent voice within the media doesn’t have my well-being at heart.
Since I became unwell a decade ago, I’ve lacked a strong inner voice that used to guide me. So with that no longer in play, I’ve found myself being overwhelmed by the other, through the cracks where I lacked character came seeping in misguided philosophies and words of manipulation. For a brief time it was my obsession to test my own resolve by exposing myself to this nonsense. I was being bullied and I was allowing it. I felt I had nowhere left to turn and words that hurt were better than nothing at all. I remember writing in my journal, somewhat succinctly of my illness, “do I need a shrink or do I need an exorcist?” Which resonates with me still.
In summation, I think anyone who is struggling with this issue can be reassured by knowing that strength of character grows when you’re uncomfortable, although it may or may not be apparent at the time. All I needed to do was prove to myself somehow, even if it’s in a small and seemingly insignificant way, that somewhere within me there is the spirit to decide my own definitions of what I should be—instead of relying on other people to supply them for me. And I’m starting to feel my strength and self respect return.