Boo

According to writer and psychiatrist RD Laing, from the book ‘The Divided Self’, if you suffer from the schizoid condition, be it schizophrenia in my case, you may experience such a thing as a ‘disembodied self’.

What this means is you start to feel as though you are not really existing, or hollow and empty. The strategies you use to survive as a social animal...
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VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
bookcouple:
Yeah, I get that... just trying to be lighthearted, sorry if it wasn’t appropriate
heatherisaboynow:
@bookcouple not at all. I don’t dress for Halloween anyway to tell the truth, I have zero imagination when it comes to costumes!
‘An Ape-man Prayer’

I speak the original tongue
Of the ape-man, am I fluent in this
I’m free of care when it comes
To speaking without prejudice
All the wickedest words I can speak.
And where about does the words
Come? From my twisted knave-
My twisted knave heart, do I speak.

Bring me into a kinder world, yes,
Bring me to it because...
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‘With A Serpentine Glow’

Upon arrival, I was sure I’d leave
The jurisdiction of those callous eyes
Which ever stare into my fevered dreams

Could I not tempt
The better half of his evil way,
To shine into another golden vision?

For if I am spent
And could dream no more —
With a serpentine glow

I could beckon ev’ry musing
That ever dissolved...
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Growing up I was always the loner, the target, the ugly duckling, the black sheep. I couldn’t even fit in with the rejects.

And that was my life. I will always think of myself as a loner, even though I have a friend.

Thing is, people don’t want to associate with negative types like me, and I become the one that stands out...
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When you’re sad, most people see you as weak, because you’re exposing your vulnerabilities (everyone has them), and that is all they see of you... even if there is a hidden side to you, a little spark of madness, that only shows itself in certain situations amongst folk you are comfortable around.

But the one thing, in their patronising way, they overlook is...
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‘A Tavern’

With or without a steady hand

I decline into a withered state

In the face of all I have tended

To know and to un-know

In a period of grace

Which to me is unknown

If I try to count all the facets

Of these faces on my wall

I begin to feel slight

And innumerable myself,

As if I am not there...
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Great souls die and

our reality, bound to

them, takes leave of us.

Our souls,

dependent upon their

nurture,

now shrink, wizened.

Our minds, formed

and informed by their

radiance, 
fall away.

We are not so much maddened

as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
 of
dark, cold

caves.

And when great souls die,

after a period peace blooms,

slowly and always

irregularly. Spaces fill

with...
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I live a sedentary lifestyle of no real consequence. In other words I’ve resigned myself to the gutter metaphysically speaking. In other words I’m a slacker... there I said it!

It feels like hard work even to get out of bed and some days I don’t. I can put this down to my illness, but how can I know myself and what...
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mattadore:
I'm not great at inspiration. I'm a pretty negative person. But I can tell you that I've been - more or less - where you are, and I have managed to pull myself out of it. And fall back into it. And pull myself out of it again. This may sound strange, but when you're trying to force yourself to take action and every part of you is resisting, remember how angry you are at yourself and then inflict the self-improvement upon yourself as a punishment... Before you know it, you're out of the hole and happier with who you are...
heatherisaboynow:
Often the case is I self sabotage and end up back at square one when things start to change. I’ve been in this situation for so long that I’m a tad institutionalised, in a sense. It’s always a subconscious effort to keep things the same... even if it is more difficult, it happens to be scarier to change. It’s irrational but that’s how it works for some reason. @mattadore