dear thief,
please bring back
a) my last three bikes (especially the one I had just finished hand painting with green flames and a self portrait on the headtube.. seriously, stealing that was just mean, and I know I got you on the head with my skateboard, but seriously I got locked out after I chased you, and stepped all over my pyrex dishes where I was starting seeds, resulting in glass-foot, and dead sprouts.. plus blood all over my back steps.. and me feeling like a real turd until 9 am when my housemate came home and let me in.)
b) my laptop.. nix that.. just the CD that was in the drive would work.. that was someone's wedding photos, you douche! You want to know how to make someone feel like an asshole? Have them fly to Santa Barbara, shoot a wedding, and then get their laptop stolen after they've pulled all the raw files off their camera, but before they've backed them up at home. Fuck you all around, laptop stealer.
c) my bike tools.. seriously, do you need a headset press or bottom bracket tap? No, you don't. You need a job. I can get you a job, just bring back my tools, you.. tool.
d) past girlfriends -- that's right, fuck you, dave. I fell off a waterfall trying to rescue my friend and then you stole my girlfriend while my ribs were still all broken, so's I couldn't even cry like a properly heartbroken boy.
e) can of spray foam and car radio faceplate. if this was an act of ecoterrorism, it was misguided, I drive less than 5000 miles a year.. i'm a fucking bicycle activist.. and it was an old VW golf.. I loved that car, and you bootched it by causing $600 in damage to the ignition of an $800 car. to top it off, you then only stole the faceplate of my stereo, which I can only assume was as useless to you as the remainder of my stereo was to me.. and a can of spray foam.. which you then used to break the window of my friend's car further down the street.
f) the presidency. nuff said, we all know you're a real antihumanitarian, pro-business turd, and yet you catchphrased and hyper-marketed your way into being synonymous with patriotism, which is, in every imaginable way, atrocious.
g) my optimism. erica, this one goes out to you. in a moment of supreme antagonism (see above) you caught me off guard with being something of a beautiful, bike-jousting dream. you didn't steal my optimism, but rather reminded me that some times there are wonderful things that make some subtle organ in my chest start to beam. thanks for the pick-me-up.
cheers to all you wonderful folk,
and damnation of the highest (lowest?) order to all you thieves, moreover, bent spokes, endos, and blown tubes to you bicycle thieves.
/g
please bring back
a) my last three bikes (especially the one I had just finished hand painting with green flames and a self portrait on the headtube.. seriously, stealing that was just mean, and I know I got you on the head with my skateboard, but seriously I got locked out after I chased you, and stepped all over my pyrex dishes where I was starting seeds, resulting in glass-foot, and dead sprouts.. plus blood all over my back steps.. and me feeling like a real turd until 9 am when my housemate came home and let me in.)
b) my laptop.. nix that.. just the CD that was in the drive would work.. that was someone's wedding photos, you douche! You want to know how to make someone feel like an asshole? Have them fly to Santa Barbara, shoot a wedding, and then get their laptop stolen after they've pulled all the raw files off their camera, but before they've backed them up at home. Fuck you all around, laptop stealer.
c) my bike tools.. seriously, do you need a headset press or bottom bracket tap? No, you don't. You need a job. I can get you a job, just bring back my tools, you.. tool.
d) past girlfriends -- that's right, fuck you, dave. I fell off a waterfall trying to rescue my friend and then you stole my girlfriend while my ribs were still all broken, so's I couldn't even cry like a properly heartbroken boy.
e) can of spray foam and car radio faceplate. if this was an act of ecoterrorism, it was misguided, I drive less than 5000 miles a year.. i'm a fucking bicycle activist.. and it was an old VW golf.. I loved that car, and you bootched it by causing $600 in damage to the ignition of an $800 car. to top it off, you then only stole the faceplate of my stereo, which I can only assume was as useless to you as the remainder of my stereo was to me.. and a can of spray foam.. which you then used to break the window of my friend's car further down the street.
f) the presidency. nuff said, we all know you're a real antihumanitarian, pro-business turd, and yet you catchphrased and hyper-marketed your way into being synonymous with patriotism, which is, in every imaginable way, atrocious.
g) my optimism. erica, this one goes out to you. in a moment of supreme antagonism (see above) you caught me off guard with being something of a beautiful, bike-jousting dream. you didn't steal my optimism, but rather reminded me that some times there are wonderful things that make some subtle organ in my chest start to beam. thanks for the pick-me-up.
cheers to all you wonderful folk,
and damnation of the highest (lowest?) order to all you thieves, moreover, bent spokes, endos, and blown tubes to you bicycle thieves.
/g
erica:
