gundamfury

Damn, I really hate feeling like this. I feel completely like totally worthless shit. And I really don't ever want to feel like this ever again. I want to be the one on stage getting my MVP jersey, I want to be the one who is in a successful relationship, I want to be the one who people know the name of. O want to be happy and successful. And right now I am definitely not either one of those. So I need to make a lot of changes so I stop feeling completely hopeless and worthless all the time. I can't stand thinking about whether Ana got upset last night and get hi and fucked Jon again, I can't stand dealing with all of Susan and her mom's bullshit. Making me feel guilty about wanting to change the direction in my life. I get nothing but guilted and have Dakota hung over my head. My happiness means nothing and I know that. Even if things don't work out with Ana, I can't be there. It's killing me. I hate it. I have to stand on my own or I'm going to die inside. I'm going to develop a negative addiction. I feel one already starting. I have to fill that gaping void inside of me. I have to find a way to not feel so empty inside all of the time. The only thing that seems to be keeping me off of drugs is a deep hatred for them, and the common sense running through my veins. Not to mention the complete lack of money. I just want love, and respect, and help, I NEED HELP!!!!

I hate that Susan keeps talking about drowning in the ocean, I have been drowning for years, and keep getting my head pushed back under after I get a break. But now I realize that instead of trying to fight against the ones putting me down, I need to get away and transform myself into a fish and thrive in the ocean. I want the better things, I strive to be better, do better and live better. I want to feel like my two-year-old self again. I don't even know if I have a picture of myself at two, ut I can o ly imagine how much happier I was back then. How is it that I cant even remember happier days. It's like I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make things happen. I'm leaving my wife, and being with the person who I believe is my true love, and transform and thrive in this ocean. I want many many things, and I need many things as well. But what I want most is...........