goodisdead

Hmph. It's Friday night and I'm sitting here again, smoking up and hoping the girl across the way decides to change while I'm out having a smoke. I'm just so tired. God save me from myself.

I want a girl that isn't afraid. I want a girl that yearns. I want a girl that feels happy, sad, and everything in between. I want a girl that's crazy on the outside, caring on the inside. I want a girl with tattoos, piercings, fetishes, and secret desires. I want a girl to tell me to fuck off and then chase me down the...
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I should be updating this thing.
I should be working on that website.
I should be sleeping.
I should be doing something else.
I should be dreaming.
I should be somewhere else.
I should be snoring.
I should be with someone.
I should be alone.
I sbould be.

I should?

I want to be a writer. I think I was always born to be a writer. But writing is risky, not only financially but also what it costs you in terms of yourself. You can't live for yourself. You have to give away part of yourself to the craft. I should talk to my mother.

I guess there are two reasons why I want to keep the cat. On one hand, I honestly believe I can take better care of her than anyone else. But on the other...I'm afraid...I'm afraid to know the truth. That if all ties are severed...if there's nothing to connect us, no reason for her to talk to me...that she wouldn't talk to me any more....
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God I want to marry a Suicide Girl. I want to start a band. I want to be in a band with a Suicide Girl. It's funny, because if I was insane, I know someone that fits that description.

But I'm not insane, am I?

I need to stop hurting.
I need to stop hurting the people who care the most.
I need to stop.
I need to hurt.
If this is what it's going to be like,
I'm not sure I care to find out what will become of me.
I wish I could slip away.
I wish I could become something else.
I don't know what I want....
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There's just no justice in the world, but I'm taking it all in stride. I'm missing out on something. Something fundamental. A piece of me is missing. I want it back. I want...her...back. She's it for me. She's not perfect. Hell she's not even good. But she's mine. I'm hers. God dammit. I don't deserve to be happy if I think she's the solution. But...
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Patterns in static. Cats meowing in the distance. Life is terrible and fantastic. I'm in love. I'm going to write that down, though, because I can't tell anyone. I can share only with those who know me best. The people who don't know me.

So much for being 'on my own'. But at least time time it appears to be with a genuinely good person. She likes me, and I like her. That's all that matters right at the moment. It's too bad I'm going to have to destroy my previous girlfriend, but she needs to learn what when I say 'I need some space' I don't mean call...
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