@bloghomework
If you could go back in time and change one thing from your past what would it be?
The one thing I would change from my past? That's easy.
When I was 13 I went to a Baptist Bible camp and "found" Jesus. I wound up spending my entire teenage existence in church and youth groups, letting other people dictate my morals, letting other people dictate what a "spiritual" life is, being out and out shamed over my own sexuality.
I wound up in Bible college preparing to go into the ministry because other people dictated to me that was what I supposed to do. I spent exactly one year in the ministry and found the entire experience to be pointless and miserable. It would be more than two decades later before I finally stopped being afraid of letting go of that belief system. It took FOREVER to get over my fear of Hell.
One day, though, it occurred to me that where I was living was Hell. I was not allowed to explore my own spirituality and I had no sense of self. When I figured out how to release those baseless fears and got to know myself, things suddenly came into focus.
So what would I change? I would NEVER have gone to that camp. It was, as Kurt Vonnegut once put it, "the first germ in an epidemic of mind poisoning." It taught me to believe and not think and that is a VERY dangerous place to be.
Today, I still consider myself to be spiritual person. I still have things in which I believe. The difference is that now I use my own brain and my own intellect to decide what's right and what's moral. I have a clear sense of self and I'm all-around happy.
Still, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I just stayed home and hung out by the pool that summer of 1985. If I could go back in time and change my decision to go to that camp, I'd have my answer.