I miss you so much, you have inspired me in ways you will never know.
I ♥ you.
Love, B.

From madi

Thank you for you words of incorrigment. You have an amazing insite, thank you for caring. xoxo, I hope I can be of help to you someday.

Tuesday Jun 02, 2009

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hmmmm, days here are routine.
I try to participate, although sometimes it's just down right uncomfortable and not what I want to do.
I had a couple of "friends" over last night to watch TV....so that was sort of fun.....

gods I'm bored.
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lucifer69133:

Yeah, porn and masturbation can get stale. They're like kebabs: tasty, addictive but somewhat bland and bad for you if taken in very large numbers to the exclusion of all else. biggrin

I don't know mate, I just think we have to keep reaching for the rainbow...we must believe interesting shit can happen to us. It's life FFS, it owe us that much. wink

coffeelove:

Haha, you're so cute kiss
I might settle for giving her a slap in the face though. tongue

Friday May 29, 2009

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waking up was a goddamned mistake.
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pixietom:

The night is bitter and painstakingly mentally undermining, the mornings are the same with the cold light blaring through. its painfully breathtaking, not the magnificent kind that will leaves you feelings refreshed... the feelings of being completely bare and uncovered.
Exposed.
It will be long and treacherous but trust me.
Take my hand... No..? Fine, but I will not go... I'll walk with you, alongside and behind when I may become distracted by a pretty pebble. You don't trust me...?
I see.
Your nights will be like that, your mornings will be worthy of mourning. Possibly.
Doesn't it get easier to know that someone is there. We are at a distance, its true.
We are not there to comfort you, but we are with you. Waiting and and watching.
My hand is here...
I know you can't see it... But it is...
I'm walking with you, as best I can. The distance is just trivial rubbish...
When you fall, I'm trying to pick you up. When you are restless I have sleepy time tea and a good bedtime story...
You don't have to take my hand now... or ever but it is here when you need it, helping you even if you can't see it.


Is it strange to know that a stranger wants to help...?


(I'm used to you starting them, but this my first attempt at really starting it on my own. Feel better)

tiger_fodder:

I know what you mean. May you have better days, my friend!

Tuesday May 26, 2009

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FUCK THIS BLOG. fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuvk it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it.......
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bitten:

just stop. please. i'm sorry they won't give you anything for your headache. be grateful you aren't getting surgery or dental work like that one guy lied about in his book. robot

bitten:

*soft hugs*

You are wonderful and amazing.
You can keep the clicker for as long as you want too. And I've bought enough batteries to last forever kiss

Monday May 18, 2009

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Time to find a new place .... this place was good for me, but I managed to push things too far again. I guess...I'll manage. Cross your eyes....
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bitten:

what happened?? eeek

mrsted_stryker:

Hun I am so sorry!

I have some good news... read my blog. It MIGHT put a smile on your face.....

Monday May 18, 2009

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I relapsed. In truth I wanted to. I feel like shit on too many levels to count. I could have called any number of people and said... ok talk me down....but I chose not to. Dear gods the crash sucks. Nothing they give me here even begins to smooth things out. I guess I deserve to feel this. In a brilliant move I managed...
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evangelin:

I miss having someone that knows me...really knows me and loves me fully despite it and I miss having someone that I feel the same about. Being with someone without saying a word and fully peaceful, cuddling, the soft caress. Making them happy with sweet gestures, being appreciated, sharing everything and being happy about opening myself up in that way. Knowing someone trusts me to share everything with. Waking up and feeling safe in someones arms, having them feel safe with me. Kisses........

They are the yearnings of things that at this stage of my life I identify with needing from homever I choose to be that other part of me. Clearly passionate sex is on that list. At this point I can't imagine screwing someone just to have sex. I can't tolerate bad sex and the lack of intimacy I fear puts the best act in that category! whatever So I just keep about me and trust when it's time-what I desire will present itself. hopefully when it does I will be prepared and not let useless fears dictate!

My Joe...we don't know exactly what happened. He married a friend about a year or so after I left. Comfort-he hated being alone. He'd called jst a few days before he passed and he sounded so tired. He would call from time to time and that was the second time I heard that exhaustion in his voice. More then tired, it's like his very soul was tired. I asked him about his diabetes and I knew that the Bipolar meds drained him, they were constantly changing the cocktail as nothing seemed to be quite right for him, but still he didn't sound right and I was concerned. His mother told me that he showed up at her house probably two days after he and spoke. he knew she went to church on Sunday's and exactly what time so it was odd for him to be there then. he asked her if she would mind if he went with her and she was elated(His mom Knew most of what was going on with him) she said it was beautiful, they went to church and then went for Brunch afterwards. He said he was unhappy in the marriage and couldn't do it anymore but didn't believe in divorce(the catholic in him) she said he could come home and they could separate for awhile, maybe see later how they felt before he made a final decision and that he seemed really happy and optimistic about that.

he was supposed to stop back by the next day to pick up his meds and called to say he didn't feel well and he would come by Tuesday. Apparently at some point he told his wife he really didn't feel well and wanted to go to the hospiital, she said no. he called out of work Tuesday. The wife said the spoke around 1:30 ish and he said he was hungry, was going to take insulin and eat. She apparently got home sometime after 3 and he was unconscious on the floor. the story was. she called 911, they asked if he was still breathing she said yes but his face was covered in blood(it seemes he just bled out through his eyes and ears) I personally remember that with anurysisms, but I have also heard when a soul leaves through the top of the head- the bleed out happens...... They tried to get her to do CPR. She said no and wouldn't do it...they got there a few minutes later and pronounced him.

His brother got the call because he worked closely with the EMT's so he went...his sister called that night but must have dialed the wrong number. I walked into work to an e-mail from her asking me to call her. I replied is everything ok? She replied not really, so as I was about to leave my desk to call her,I called her. I should have known better....I guess at that point I was just in denial that anything could have happened to him....it wasn't good Iremember standing at my desk rounding that stupid cubbie and then someone lifting me off the floor. Next thng I knew I was behind closed doors with one of the directors on her knees in front of me with tissue -just holding my leg and our boss sitting behind me rubbing my back.

The report came back as an accidental death or something....there were only trace amounts of coke in his system, nothing stuck out as odd. I think the ME sucked ass. People don't just die, especially 34 year olds, ultimately I think he was just done with the constant struggle. he had been a boxer for the Marine Core and signed a pro deal when the diabetes came along, The core just released him early without telling him what to watch for and that he should be concerned. So he almost died from an insane blood sugar level. He drove himself to the VA and collapsed at the front desk-woke up nearly a week later in the hospital. They said his sugar would have killed a normal person. He was tough and a good man despite all the shit. He never got over losing his boxing career and so many child hood demons-abusive alcoholic father who's approval ironically was very important to him....Just always fighting. Never realized the fight of his life wasn't for a crowd in a ring-it was for his own survival and I hated that because he deserved so much more then to feel that way. All my love couldn't change that for him, but I am happy he knew I really did love him and happier still to know without doubt -he really did love me. He's at peace so I can only be thankful and continue on my path. Having him in my life was a blessing and a curse........and I will always miss him dearly, I always have.

Good grief...I feel EMO today-could be the heavy rain, but we need it here.

Dreams are wonderful they keep us sane and in that I am a believer! So ok any word yet? They are probably going to hold you in suspense and make you sweat. You know you sound upbeat today. How do you feel? Oh and I do have to apologize for my poor grammer as of late. It seems to be getting worse and worse, oddly I've noticed it's not just me.

pixietom:

First off, I can say that I have no clue how this feels. Ive never really felt something like that. But I do what it feels like to want to sabotage your self. I do it smaller ways, get included in things that ill be my undoing in the end
Youre not a fuck up, your just human Its in or nature to do these things to ourselves.

Its the simple conclusion.
Sabotage... Sabotage... such sweet sabotage...
It not that you deserve, the feelings of it all.
Regret, a sort of self hate, just that...
We as ourselves do this... whether it be for fear of actually having something great that could hurt us more than anything else.
Because sometimes we don't the better things that we should have.
Things we may deserve but not approve of our self to have.

I don't know you, but I think many deserve a happiness.
its oh -k- to fall and stumble, Your going to have scraps, cuts and bruises....
but you just can't let yourself fall.

Its not much for me to say, but I forgive you for your relapse. Who knows what I would have done, but you've been strong for so long and yes your bound to have moments like this....
I wouldn't want it to get to you or take you down.
Gotta rise up and just know that your better deep down inside.
Together we can rise above the hardships and all the despair.

I know it can happen.

Monday May 18, 2009

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whatever
coffeelove:

So that's what you like..

Saturday May 16, 2009

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I expected somehow for you to fill the void was left. I expected you to understand me like he did. I assumed that you could read through the wrong words and thoughts and know what I meant to say assumption my dear is the mother of all fuck ups. And I fucked up. The coffees gone cold. Theres a huge rail on a cd case...
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coffeelove:

Was a good day yes. smile

Have my hair like what? Like Pippi..?? whatever

coffeelove:

I can't make them stand out like that frown
And for now my hair is too short, will be no playing naughty school girl with pigtails for me in a while

Friday May 15, 2009

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lol

i think for me it was the underoos (GI JOE eeek ) and the supersoaker...... ahhhh, my childhood memories....lol
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evangelin:

Ok i feel good that I don't recall half those thingy's on the vid...I however LOVED me some underoos. I was WONDER WOMEN biggrin I really would have been hot if they included a lasso and that head thing she wore....
The glow in the dark jammies????? That is a damn HOT MESS> and my mom wouldn't let me have one of those bouce ball things-I'm clumsy, that was probably for the best wink

Ok I am soaked, just in from Yoga. It's the househol fixer upper weekend -I think...
Dinner with some peeps tonight to celebrate a birthday, Beach possibly tomorrow if the weather cooperates. If not then Oh well, we need the rain-we are seriously dangerously dry and scorching hot. Not so good for Florida!!!!
Chat soon holler if you need me. Oh yea- Do you remember what city you were in that you got the chocolates? Any detail about the lil boutique? We may be able to brainstorm this and find them. I meann surely if they would like to stay in business there has got to be some online markleting campaign, perhaps look to the SG chocolate lovers group-because I KNOW that has to exist....We can do it!!!

And thank you for the testimonial-I teared up some (alot) I seem to be going EMO these days.....Loves You! I hope you have some wonderful times this weekend, there is alot to be said for old crappy movies and the ones you love smile

pixietom:

They have a GI Joe Movie coming out. All live action.
But on the other note, I never had these toys.... I'm so young.
But I did have supersoakers, but mine was water not 'ooze'

A lot of those commericals were like a petaphiles dream, specially the ooze water gun....
Like, my first thoughts on that were worse than they should have been.
Like wow.
Micheal Jackson had doll/action figures...
So young...
I'm just so young.