Sunday Oct 24, 2004

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What the recurring thought/image/desire that cycles through your day, through the years?

For me it is:
the desire to relive my youth to get something right, to escape and recreate my life into something entirely different.

But actually that's not it exactly, more like that's my age inspired judgemental persona that sees it like that.
I just like to wonder what happen if I just got up and moved to a different city for the sheer hell of it. Or sometimes I just totally long for the feeling of getting strange poontang.

Again that pesky moralistic super-ego dweeb voice keeps coming in telling me that it just... wrong or something.
I have my id, my primal desires, my animal instinct locked up down in the basement.

And also, I'm close to my family... but the most free and alive I've ever felt was when I had a chance to totally get away from them.
I'm not sure if I'm close because I really want and need to, or is it just the long period of time back in the same place where you grew up that make things end up that way.

I've had a pattern of moving, transiency, watching in isolation for long periods followed by brief intense periods that shape the next several years.

I haven't had a moment like that in a while. It's been several years.
But then again there certainly have been intense moments in the last few years... just not in that much of fun or exciting way.
It's not smoking hash on a Thai beach, or the horribly dramatic nature of young relationships, it's more like that yucky adult like crap like dealing with death and taxes and mortgages. Or that first time you need to see a lawyer or that flash of insight when you realize everyone indeed is full of shit (just like Perry Farrel said).


So anyway it all comes back...
It's here and now.
Free will locked in an animal.

Time
invisibly sucking
the stories, dreams and life
from the past until now.

No complaints.
It could be worse. It could be worse.

All things considered I'm doing allright.
It could be better, but why should it? 

What is right?
It keeps coming back to that.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
sqook:
The thought that keeps running through my mind is to live on the edge that I've always been afraid of.... to abdicate everything familiar and comfortable, and rebuild my life from the ground up. I've never felt completely at home here, but my desire to leave always brings with it the discovery that things are never going to be drastically different, no matter how many miles you travel.

Then again, who's to blame me for trying?

I sympathize with what you're saying, though. It seems that you've reached the point in your life where you -thought- you'd have everything you needed, but then realized that it wasn't what you'd expect it to be.

Bah, I'm just talking out of my ass, mostly. Anyways, if you're interested in that documentary, you should watch it online here
alleykit:
I hear what you are saying about living near the fam or off to a new city. I have the same problem. I am near my family (cause I have a little one) but there are days when I dream of moving back to NYC. Actually that's every other day.
The question is can I accomplish what I need to in a small town? Are the opportunities missing or do I have to just create them?

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