falsehopeproject

So my trip to PA sucked. Nothing changed.. my dad still rips racist jokes/comments in front of hilary and i (hil's neice and nephew are bi-racial.. which makes it worse if its possible), my mom and sister still fight... there are still things that cause me to cry and hate my life, and i still have to spend time helping my family tolerate each other.

i cant do it anymore.

i can't go back for a long time.

i have to write my dad a letter concerning his racist remarks... to tell him that they offend me in two ways: a. its just fucking wrong and b. it offends hilary. its getting to the point that if he can't stop saying things like that then i can't come around anymore. as if he's already not alienating me with his stubborn, self centered attitude.

he hasn't been the same person at all since he got out of the hospital. he doesnt talk to ANYONE he used to.. none of his good friends, not his dad, mom, stepmom, or sisters. Practicaly no one. he treats my mom like shit and theyve been married for 31 years.

its hard to feel close to him.. and this makes it worse.

sometimes.. when im out here it hink about moving back.. to live with my sister (her and her husband just bought a 4 bedroom house) to save money for a house and whatnot. but then i get there.. and i wouldn't be able to handle it.

the people in the city piss me off... my family pisses me off/depresses me.. and then i start to depress myself.

i can't do it.

i have no plans to go back anytime soon.

seeing my friends was the best part.. that and getting my hair cut by the person who cut my hair y entite life (its bad whn that is a highlight of your trip).

i ate at india garden with frank, jen, erin, and jay... went to the tuscany cafe with PJ and then to Mad Mex (had lots of good conversation)... and hung out with josh and jaime at my sisters wedding reception. i also got to stop at vinces grave and then at his family's house to drop hem off a picture of us.

speaking of the wedding reception.... i TORE UP the dance floor.. i danced with hil all night... which was the best thing ever.. she doesnt dance how she does at home.... now i know its a joke. So i just acted stupid whilst dancing.. like i always do. i had so much fun doing that.. im glad hil was there with me to make it that much better. we drank a lot (we had to in order to do all that dancing). I can't even tell you how much i had to drink. Most of it consisted of champagne, bourbon and coke, and shots of bourbon. i didnt vomit.. so that was good.

The videographer followed me around pretty much the whole time i was dancing... gee.. i cant wait until the video comes out.

so other than that.. everything else sucked.

and now i am home... depressed.

let's call it a pennsylvania hangover.

i miss the city. i miss my friends. but i dont miss my life there.