I found his written in PJ's journal...
"Thursday, January 15, 2004
For Vince...
It has been a year ago today, that my friend Vince died. I was living in Washington, DC. He was in Pittsburgh. I had seen him at a party less then a month before he died, and he was drunk. But he was still Vince - all hugs and laughs and energy and loyalty. Then one day I woke up, and he had been dead for a year. Killed by addiction.
When I first met Vince I was still in high school. He was hardcore vince the kid who was always at shows, who was always at Century III Mall. He always seemed to be everywhere, and I realize its been a year and he hasnt been anywhere. He was always concerned about my happiness always wanted to cheer me up. Always pointed out how much he respected me. The saying about not knowing what you have until its gone, is cliche but true. The people who are in our lives even for short periods make up who we truly are. When they go, a piece of us goes with them. Shows in Pittsburgh arent the same for me. The crowd is less full, less fun. Hardcore isnt as good without Vince. My buddy list seems empty Vinnierock doesnt sign on anymore. I remember him wanting to come visit me when I lived in New York working at an animal sanctuary. I remember eating with him at the Chinese Buffet. Seeing him at Club Laga more times then I can count. I remember wall-sitting with him. I still remember the intense pain of his funeral...His family weeping as they prepared to put my friend their son and brother - in the ground, far before he should have needed.
I am not religious, but I lit a candle tonight for Vince. It seems like I have to do something to remember my friend. I am angry that we live in a world where people chase their fears and pain with drugs that kill them. I am angry that I didnt do more... that I allowed months to pass without me staying in more consistent contact with him. I feel foolish in acting like our time here is infinite. I know now that it isnt. In these quiet moments, in reflection, I feel like I should do something: take action, forgive, reconcile, remember... and yet, I am left empty. Somehow, every act isnt good enough, words mean little, and the future feels bleak. So I sit here watching the flames on this candle dance..."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
.......it got me thinking about vinces funeral.
How hil and i managed to get free flight vouchers on our way home from PA for the xmas holiday... only for me to redeem mine unexpectedly two and a half weeks later. I had seen vince while i was in town for xmas.. at the party.. and the party was throw in part of me being in town and wanting to see my friends and have a good time by my friends josh and jaime. Vince was there and yes.. he was drunk. But when was vince NOT drunk? I remember being pissed off at him when he got wasted and out of hand... when he threw up on tiptons couch and we "put" him outside because he kept vomiting. When he tried to blatantly steal stuff from the juliana theory's table.. he knew them and they knew him.. but he was drunk and he still tried to do that. All the times i had to take care of him because no one else wanted to put up with him. And now.. those moments of me being pissed off at him have turned into memories.. almost happy.. or maybe more-so amusing. Now there couldnt have been too many times i had to do that.
I remember talking to him when he got out of jail.. and him telling me ENDLESSLY how much i meant to him and how much he looked up to me... and how he loved me... his friends meant so much to him. He promised me he would stay off dope.. and i believed him. So did everyone else. His death came out of the blue.
I was at whole foods working one night when i get a call from hil.. she was crying and told me that i need to come home and call my friends.. but she wouldnt tell me why. I finally squeeze it out of her and the words hit me like nothing ive ever felt.. "Vince died." I couldnt feel. I couldnt think. I told her i was coming home.. hung up and just stood there... stunned. I walked upstaires to the office where williams was.. i sat down next to him with the same look on my face that had been there since i heard the words. i told him that something bad happened and i needed to leave. Hil came i picked me up.. i think... and i went home and sat there. Hil kept telling me to call frank... to call mook... to call PJ... but all i could do was sit there... with that same look. One of my best friends was dead... and i couldnt cry.
I eventually snapped out of it and realized the scope of what had happened... this person that had treated me and everyone of his friends like they were his tight knit family.. one of the few people who took everything i said to heart.. and ADMIRED me... was gone. Forever. I think back again when i was talking to him on the phone when he got out of jail.. and how i had to keep saying "i know vince.. i love you too..." "thanks vince..." and how i was amused by it because hilly was standing right there listening to me accept his words of how much he cared for and admired me over and over again.
He was going to hop a train and come visit me.
Well.. it all changed. I finangled some time off and flew back to shittsburgh.. drinking during my layover to numb.. to forget... i went straight from the portland airport to the funeral home. PJ, Frank, Jenni, Erin, and Veronica were waiting for me at the airport. We were all dressed up and we drove straight to the funeral home.. which was right down the street from the country club i worked at for 5 years... wow there are a lot of cars here.
We walked in only to see a long line of people..waiting to view his body. There were so many people there.. young.. old... but mainly young. The line was studded with my friends... our friends. Many were amazed to see me considering the fact that i lived in portland. I mingled... hugging people i've never hugged.. and saw my feelings in their eyes. We were crushed. The last time i saw most of these people.. we were being young and happy... and now we were dealing with the most tragic time in our young lives. Teona.. jess.. tipton... erin... mook... pj, frank, jenni, sara, steve, pat, landon.. and COUNTLESS other... our lives changed forever that night.. we were drawn tighter together while we waited in line to see our friend. We cut in front of people knowing that vince would condone it and that he would rather us be there than them. We walked up to the room.. his mother and father were there greeting people. The words from his mothers mouth cut my heart like swords.. she echoed all the things vince said in that phone call.. how much he talked about me.. all that stuff. It killed me. PJ and i walked up to the casket and looked in. We stood there... talking about how the rosery in his hands wasnt him.. how he looked fake.. trying to ignore the fact that he was lifeless and will still be tomorrow. We looked around and saw graf caps... cd's.. theft prevention tags.. all momento's left there by his friends. We couldnt ignore it any longer..we had to leave.. it had hit us. People walked in one door trying to be strong.. only to walk out of the other door crying like a baby... no one could hide it.... no one should have hid it.
We changed forever that day.
The days after were spent drinking (i went over to my neighbors because i was home alone balling my eyes out and i needed someone.... they were drinking some hard alcohol when i got there.. so i joined in) and trying to ignore.. we went to see a movie.. we went to denny's. I spent some time at home.... trying to be in comfortable surroundings.. only i found out that my comfortable surroundins were not at home.. they were with pj, frank, and jenni.. so i went bck to pittsburgh to stay with frank.
We woke up and went to the mass... only to hear all this religious stuff said about "brother" vince (as the priest called him).. these people didnt know him. If he would have known this was going on for him he would have walkedup to us with a bottle of bankers club and taken us somewhere to get free pizza or something. Steve knew it... his parents didnt. or they ignored it. We drove from the home to the burial site.. where some more religious ramblings took place (guys.. vince didnt believe in god..) and they had the casket suspended over the ground.
Then it was over... the ceremonies.. the trying to stay strong.. we had to walk away. we would never be able to get closer than 6 feet to him again. ever. Vinces little sister threw herself over the casket... screaming that she couldnt leave him.. steve.. his brother stood there by himself... i went over and held him... there was nothing else to do but walk away... and try not to look back.. we would only see a casket.
I visited his grave 3 times before i left.. i sat there on the frozen ground in the snow by myself... talking to him like he could hear me somehow... telling him that he should have seen how many people were there for him.. and asking him why he had to break his promise.. or why he promised in the first place.
My life was changed forever.
"Thursday, January 15, 2004
For Vince...
It has been a year ago today, that my friend Vince died. I was living in Washington, DC. He was in Pittsburgh. I had seen him at a party less then a month before he died, and he was drunk. But he was still Vince - all hugs and laughs and energy and loyalty. Then one day I woke up, and he had been dead for a year. Killed by addiction.
When I first met Vince I was still in high school. He was hardcore vince the kid who was always at shows, who was always at Century III Mall. He always seemed to be everywhere, and I realize its been a year and he hasnt been anywhere. He was always concerned about my happiness always wanted to cheer me up. Always pointed out how much he respected me. The saying about not knowing what you have until its gone, is cliche but true. The people who are in our lives even for short periods make up who we truly are. When they go, a piece of us goes with them. Shows in Pittsburgh arent the same for me. The crowd is less full, less fun. Hardcore isnt as good without Vince. My buddy list seems empty Vinnierock doesnt sign on anymore. I remember him wanting to come visit me when I lived in New York working at an animal sanctuary. I remember eating with him at the Chinese Buffet. Seeing him at Club Laga more times then I can count. I remember wall-sitting with him. I still remember the intense pain of his funeral...His family weeping as they prepared to put my friend their son and brother - in the ground, far before he should have needed.
I am not religious, but I lit a candle tonight for Vince. It seems like I have to do something to remember my friend. I am angry that we live in a world where people chase their fears and pain with drugs that kill them. I am angry that I didnt do more... that I allowed months to pass without me staying in more consistent contact with him. I feel foolish in acting like our time here is infinite. I know now that it isnt. In these quiet moments, in reflection, I feel like I should do something: take action, forgive, reconcile, remember... and yet, I am left empty. Somehow, every act isnt good enough, words mean little, and the future feels bleak. So I sit here watching the flames on this candle dance..."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
.......it got me thinking about vinces funeral.
How hil and i managed to get free flight vouchers on our way home from PA for the xmas holiday... only for me to redeem mine unexpectedly two and a half weeks later. I had seen vince while i was in town for xmas.. at the party.. and the party was throw in part of me being in town and wanting to see my friends and have a good time by my friends josh and jaime. Vince was there and yes.. he was drunk. But when was vince NOT drunk? I remember being pissed off at him when he got wasted and out of hand... when he threw up on tiptons couch and we "put" him outside because he kept vomiting. When he tried to blatantly steal stuff from the juliana theory's table.. he knew them and they knew him.. but he was drunk and he still tried to do that. All the times i had to take care of him because no one else wanted to put up with him. And now.. those moments of me being pissed off at him have turned into memories.. almost happy.. or maybe more-so amusing. Now there couldnt have been too many times i had to do that.
I remember talking to him when he got out of jail.. and him telling me ENDLESSLY how much i meant to him and how much he looked up to me... and how he loved me... his friends meant so much to him. He promised me he would stay off dope.. and i believed him. So did everyone else. His death came out of the blue.
I was at whole foods working one night when i get a call from hil.. she was crying and told me that i need to come home and call my friends.. but she wouldnt tell me why. I finally squeeze it out of her and the words hit me like nothing ive ever felt.. "Vince died." I couldnt feel. I couldnt think. I told her i was coming home.. hung up and just stood there... stunned. I walked upstaires to the office where williams was.. i sat down next to him with the same look on my face that had been there since i heard the words. i told him that something bad happened and i needed to leave. Hil came i picked me up.. i think... and i went home and sat there. Hil kept telling me to call frank... to call mook... to call PJ... but all i could do was sit there... with that same look. One of my best friends was dead... and i couldnt cry.
I eventually snapped out of it and realized the scope of what had happened... this person that had treated me and everyone of his friends like they were his tight knit family.. one of the few people who took everything i said to heart.. and ADMIRED me... was gone. Forever. I think back again when i was talking to him on the phone when he got out of jail.. and how i had to keep saying "i know vince.. i love you too..." "thanks vince..." and how i was amused by it because hilly was standing right there listening to me accept his words of how much he cared for and admired me over and over again.
He was going to hop a train and come visit me.
Well.. it all changed. I finangled some time off and flew back to shittsburgh.. drinking during my layover to numb.. to forget... i went straight from the portland airport to the funeral home. PJ, Frank, Jenni, Erin, and Veronica were waiting for me at the airport. We were all dressed up and we drove straight to the funeral home.. which was right down the street from the country club i worked at for 5 years... wow there are a lot of cars here.
We walked in only to see a long line of people..waiting to view his body. There were so many people there.. young.. old... but mainly young. The line was studded with my friends... our friends. Many were amazed to see me considering the fact that i lived in portland. I mingled... hugging people i've never hugged.. and saw my feelings in their eyes. We were crushed. The last time i saw most of these people.. we were being young and happy... and now we were dealing with the most tragic time in our young lives. Teona.. jess.. tipton... erin... mook... pj, frank, jenni, sara, steve, pat, landon.. and COUNTLESS other... our lives changed forever that night.. we were drawn tighter together while we waited in line to see our friend. We cut in front of people knowing that vince would condone it and that he would rather us be there than them. We walked up to the room.. his mother and father were there greeting people. The words from his mothers mouth cut my heart like swords.. she echoed all the things vince said in that phone call.. how much he talked about me.. all that stuff. It killed me. PJ and i walked up to the casket and looked in. We stood there... talking about how the rosery in his hands wasnt him.. how he looked fake.. trying to ignore the fact that he was lifeless and will still be tomorrow. We looked around and saw graf caps... cd's.. theft prevention tags.. all momento's left there by his friends. We couldnt ignore it any longer..we had to leave.. it had hit us. People walked in one door trying to be strong.. only to walk out of the other door crying like a baby... no one could hide it.... no one should have hid it.
We changed forever that day.
The days after were spent drinking (i went over to my neighbors because i was home alone balling my eyes out and i needed someone.... they were drinking some hard alcohol when i got there.. so i joined in) and trying to ignore.. we went to see a movie.. we went to denny's. I spent some time at home.... trying to be in comfortable surroundings.. only i found out that my comfortable surroundins were not at home.. they were with pj, frank, and jenni.. so i went bck to pittsburgh to stay with frank.
We woke up and went to the mass... only to hear all this religious stuff said about "brother" vince (as the priest called him).. these people didnt know him. If he would have known this was going on for him he would have walkedup to us with a bottle of bankers club and taken us somewhere to get free pizza or something. Steve knew it... his parents didnt. or they ignored it. We drove from the home to the burial site.. where some more religious ramblings took place (guys.. vince didnt believe in god..) and they had the casket suspended over the ground.
Then it was over... the ceremonies.. the trying to stay strong.. we had to walk away. we would never be able to get closer than 6 feet to him again. ever. Vinces little sister threw herself over the casket... screaming that she couldnt leave him.. steve.. his brother stood there by himself... i went over and held him... there was nothing else to do but walk away... and try not to look back.. we would only see a casket.
I visited his grave 3 times before i left.. i sat there on the frozen ground in the snow by myself... talking to him like he could hear me somehow... telling him that he should have seen how many people were there for him.. and asking him why he had to break his promise.. or why he promised in the first place.
My life was changed forever.