life and death.. life isnt the opposite of death. birth is. there is no opposite to life.
sad that i got that from dawsons creek. i havent watched that show in years but hil was watching it last night because it was the last episode.. which was very sad... one of the main characters died.. she had a heart problem and everyone knew she was dying... so you had to watch all these characters interact knowing that someone they cared about was only going to live for a few more days. and it made me think. one day i'm going to have to deal with the person i love with all my heart dying. and the person i was thinking about was hil. i COULD NOT make it through that. ever. it scares me... sure.. it might be 30-50 years in the future... but knowing that either she or i are going to have to live without one another scares the fuck out of me. and for all the times that ive felt i was ready to die.. that i didnt care anymore. for all the times i sat in my room with a knife.. and for all the times that i called my friends asking them to come over so i didnt do something drastic... im fucking scared to die. i dont want to leave the ones i love and i dont want them to leave me. i guess i have alot to deal with... to understand. it still hurts me that vince is gone. that i can NEVER expect dozens of hugs from him when i go back home. that one less person is excited to hear from me. that one less person values my opinion. that one less person cares about my feelings. vince is dead. he promised me that he would stay away from that shit. should i be offended that he didnt? i KNOW he thought about the conversation we had when he got out of jail before he did this.. he HAD to. was he unloyal to our friendship? should i forgive him? am i in the place to forgive? one of my fucking best friends is dead.. should i be thinking about whether or not i should be forgiving? and THESE FEELINGS are the reason i would never kill myself. i can NEVER force this upon the people i love. at least i know he didnt want to die. that he didnt choose to put this on us. that makes me feel a bit better....
enough of that... although i feel the need to dedicate something to him... what and where i do not know. but one day he will have a semi permanent physical mark on this world. because he already took care of the emotional part. i still have that rock from his grave.
sad that i got that from dawsons creek. i havent watched that show in years but hil was watching it last night because it was the last episode.. which was very sad... one of the main characters died.. she had a heart problem and everyone knew she was dying... so you had to watch all these characters interact knowing that someone they cared about was only going to live for a few more days. and it made me think. one day i'm going to have to deal with the person i love with all my heart dying. and the person i was thinking about was hil. i COULD NOT make it through that. ever. it scares me... sure.. it might be 30-50 years in the future... but knowing that either she or i are going to have to live without one another scares the fuck out of me. and for all the times that ive felt i was ready to die.. that i didnt care anymore. for all the times i sat in my room with a knife.. and for all the times that i called my friends asking them to come over so i didnt do something drastic... im fucking scared to die. i dont want to leave the ones i love and i dont want them to leave me. i guess i have alot to deal with... to understand. it still hurts me that vince is gone. that i can NEVER expect dozens of hugs from him when i go back home. that one less person is excited to hear from me. that one less person values my opinion. that one less person cares about my feelings. vince is dead. he promised me that he would stay away from that shit. should i be offended that he didnt? i KNOW he thought about the conversation we had when he got out of jail before he did this.. he HAD to. was he unloyal to our friendship? should i forgive him? am i in the place to forgive? one of my fucking best friends is dead.. should i be thinking about whether or not i should be forgiving? and THESE FEELINGS are the reason i would never kill myself. i can NEVER force this upon the people i love. at least i know he didnt want to die. that he didnt choose to put this on us. that makes me feel a bit better....
enough of that... although i feel the need to dedicate something to him... what and where i do not know. but one day he will have a semi permanent physical mark on this world. because he already took care of the emotional part. i still have that rock from his grave.