eyecon86

Whoever said It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. must have been the one who was doing the dumping. Why is it that after so long feeling can still come back that you cannot control. Regret, anger, bitterness. Every once in awhile they rear their ugly head.

Maybe its because its always our fault. To fit into any sort of a relationship we must compromise who we are. Be it a friend, family member, partner, brother, sister, whoever, to be with them we must pose for them. Depending on who they are this pose may be more relaxed, but in the end there are things you cannot be in front of others. Things that belong only to you. To exist along side anyone in any capacity then becomes a compromise. To fit into life we must compromise. Life is compromise. But then when you look back at yourself, when you look at the past there is only regret. And why? Because you have built a life out of compromising who you are. Out of necessity to fit with those around you. We live in a world where we are all fake and all posers. So maybe the bitterness over a lost love is not because of anything that they did, but because you let them do it. Maybe you are angry at yourself for the initial compromise of self that led you down the path with this person, maybe you are mad at yourself for ever letting them in the first place. Inside where anything they do can expose the weak and pathetic real you and then take advantage of it. Every relationship is about advantage, give and take. Warring against itself. And if every relationship is compromise, and if ever relationship is a war, pulling you in every direction, trying to find time for this friend, or this partner, or this person or that person, when all your time is spent relegating this war that is every relationship, where do you fit in?

Oh well, rambling again.

Here is something I wrote once about this very thing in a way:




days go by

she whispers to me
that she loves me
and i draw lines in the sheets
discreetly
she touches my face
lightly
silently looking upon me
speaking in conjecture
of days gone by
of times she and i
spent together
here and there
happy memories
that bring a smile to her face
and i turn and look into her eyes
but i only see yours gazing back at me
i can only draw my thoughts to thoughts of you
and how you used to love these simple moments too

as days go by
sleeping next to her
dreaming of you
clinging to a memory
closing my eyes
with my hand in hers
to pretend it is yours

and she likes to laugh at nothing
in much the same way as you used to
and she used to ware her hair down
but now she wares it up
the way i like
the way you used to
and she likes all the places
that i used to take you
and with little effort
it seems she can make love
the way you used to
almost
her movements are clumsy and whimsical
unlike the calm and caculated rythms
of your skin
and i have forgotten how she tastes
because the memory of your taste prevails
in all of my thoughts
and when she kisses me lightly on the cheek
it seems in much the same way you used to

i wonder what you would have thought of each other
but i havent told her about you
about the past

as days go by
sleeping next to her
dreaming of you
clinging to a memory
of purity
closing my eyes
with my hand in hers
pretending it is yours

i dont even notice
her get up and leave the room
and i dont notice when she returns
my back to her
i draw lines in the sheets
where you used to lay
because she always lays
on the other side



CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: TOOL - SALIVAL