"I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me"
Today is my due date. Shame nobody told the baby about this minor detail.
I have a fat cervix. I am seriously not impressed by this.
Top five things to piss me off as I go overdue
(1) Babies
They're fucking everywhere. People with pushchairs being all "ooooooh look I've got my baby and you haven't" and all "Look what my nice thin cervix pushed out".
(2) Channel 5
This is EASILY the most annoying thing that could happen. Not only could I end up sat at home on Sunday night watching someone else giving birth (who no doubt was due after me anyway, fuckers).... but I get to watch them giving birth in my hospital of choice, the Queens Medical Centre, with my midwives that should be delivering my baby this week. Cunt faced puppet fucking anal popsicle turd burgling spunk chestnut labia troopers.
(3) Having a fat cervix
What the fuck is this all about? Constant aches and pains for weeks should have been thinning that bastard out ready for birth. But nooooooo. Not for Elysia "fat cervix" no baby. This did, of course, also result in the most horrific internal exam. Stupid fat obese lardy tub faced useless piece of shit cervix.
(4) People
The fat elephant tranny in the supermarket with her "When's your baby due?" line of questionning. Members of my family calling to see if I've had the baby yet. Randoms on MSN. If I'd had the baby I'd have fucking told you dickweed.
(5) Possible eviction/induction
Baby is now squatting in my uterus and will have about 10 days to make her way out of her own accord before being evicted. An induction means that I'll have to have medical intervention and go to hospital, will have to be monitored, and there is a larger risk to the baby. I will inevitably end up with an epidural, and all hopes of my natural water birth are fucked right out of the window as I won't be going anywhere other than a fucking hospital bed for what will no doubt be a number of days. Having managed (against all odds) to conceive whilst using contraception followed by emergency contraception, whilst on strong prescription meds, and for the baby to have survived my wreckless binge drinking and drug taking before I had any idea I was pregnant ... it is soul destroying to think that my body and baby can combat that, grow her nicely for 9 months then not be able to go into labour naturally. There's no need for swearing on this topic, the only necessary word is FAILURE. Oh cock it.
"Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that one?"
Today is my due date. Shame nobody told the baby about this minor detail.
I have a fat cervix. I am seriously not impressed by this.
Top five things to piss me off as I go overdue
(1) Babies
They're fucking everywhere. People with pushchairs being all "ooooooh look I've got my baby and you haven't" and all "Look what my nice thin cervix pushed out".
(2) Channel 5
This is EASILY the most annoying thing that could happen. Not only could I end up sat at home on Sunday night watching someone else giving birth (who no doubt was due after me anyway, fuckers).... but I get to watch them giving birth in my hospital of choice, the Queens Medical Centre, with my midwives that should be delivering my baby this week. Cunt faced puppet fucking anal popsicle turd burgling spunk chestnut labia troopers.
(3) Having a fat cervix
What the fuck is this all about? Constant aches and pains for weeks should have been thinning that bastard out ready for birth. But nooooooo. Not for Elysia "fat cervix" no baby. This did, of course, also result in the most horrific internal exam. Stupid fat obese lardy tub faced useless piece of shit cervix.
(4) People
The fat elephant tranny in the supermarket with her "When's your baby due?" line of questionning. Members of my family calling to see if I've had the baby yet. Randoms on MSN. If I'd had the baby I'd have fucking told you dickweed.
(5) Possible eviction/induction
Baby is now squatting in my uterus and will have about 10 days to make her way out of her own accord before being evicted. An induction means that I'll have to have medical intervention and go to hospital, will have to be monitored, and there is a larger risk to the baby. I will inevitably end up with an epidural, and all hopes of my natural water birth are fucked right out of the window as I won't be going anywhere other than a fucking hospital bed for what will no doubt be a number of days. Having managed (against all odds) to conceive whilst using contraception followed by emergency contraception, whilst on strong prescription meds, and for the baby to have survived my wreckless binge drinking and drug taking before I had any idea I was pregnant ... it is soul destroying to think that my body and baby can combat that, grow her nicely for 9 months then not be able to go into labour naturally. There's no need for swearing on this topic, the only necessary word is FAILURE. Oh cock it.
"Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that one?"
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Dr House md called babies parasite's- until birth
anyway good luck and thinking of you
Hello fatty,havent you got that sprog out of you yet?
I think your just holding on to it to get attention!
Havent you missed my sympathetic way