How do I let them know because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue?
I hope I didn't just say that all out loud just now."
- Austin Powers
Well it transpires that it's not just a heavily medicated Elysia that makes a horrible drunk.
Following a mere seventeen months of sobriety I fell off the wagon rather spectacularly last week, and with the usual dire consequences.
It appears that the utter shite I spout whilst inebriated can be broken down as follows;
♥ 14% bare faced lies that verge on the edge of ridiculousness and are completely unnecessary.
♥ 20% general banter that can be told to anyone at any time.
♥ 66% things I would never dream of saying whilst sober. This category gets such a high percentage due to the simple fact that I always feel the need to say the most inappropriate things at least three times each for maximum embarassment. There is usually a male involved, and this particular evening was no exception.
The Little Miss Elysia Update ...
Top three hilarious compilation tapes found whilst packing;
(1) "I ♥ you"
Given to me by my first serious boyfriend. It was a collection of soppy shite, and every song contained the word 'love' at least twenty times just to get the point across. Not one of the songs was actually relevant, and one song in particular made me want to remove the CD from the player, snap it in half and sever my own carotid artery in order to ensure that I never ever had to listen to it again. He designed the cover himself, and I'm almost certain that he spent weeks crying into his keyboard as he sought out the perfect ten tracks.
(2) "Love-o-rama versus the Gladrag megamix"
Some of the songs were relevant, and the others were a good selection of songs by bands that I didn't know particularly well at the time, therefore broadening my musical horizons. There was no over use of the L word as in the previous entry, and it was almost perfect be it for one small thing .... the spelling. Unfortunately he wasn't the most literate, he once left me a note on my bathroom mirror (in lipstick oddly enough) that referred to me as a 'pritty lady'. When my sister and I pointed out the fact that there was a spelling error he asked if 'pritty' was supposed to have one 't' instead of two. You can imagine the spelling mistakes on the compilation, and I'm a bit anal when it comes to such details.
(3) "When I though you were gone"
Take the most emo thing you can think of, give it a fringe and a myspace page, then fuck it up the ass with My Chemical Romances full back catalogue and you're not even close to the sheer horror of this tape. There are several points that need to be made about this one -
(a) It was written, played and sung by the boyfriend in question
(b) The date and method of recording is clearly marked on the cassette case
(c) This was given to me two weeks into the relationship
(d) More disturbingly I kept dating this person even AFTER being given this
(e) Knowing that it was going to be a complete cry into the keyboard wankfest I've never actually listened to it all the way through, although do seem to remember his intermittent sobbing between the heart wrenching tracks.
I plan to fully remedy (e) one day in the company of friends and a smudge of alcohol. It's got to be worth a good piss taking session.
**** I'm moving house today, and I'll be back to tell you all about it in a couple of weeks ****
"All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism"
I love pink stuff. But we all know this.