I'm dangerously hovering over to the right. ^^^
I wish something would convince me otherwise. I only seem to be hanging on for my family and my disabled brother.
I've not been doing too well of late. Since recovering from my terrible 2006, I've not had the smoothest of rides out of the darkness, and apart from the very welcomed few days I get when I have the strength to not care and shake of my demons to see life in a positive light, it is still twilight in my world.
I'm just getting tired of fighting my own thoughts and feelings all the time. At the moment, I'm feeling like a boxer who is loosing, fighting to stay upright, staggering around, just hoping the next punch won't make his legs finally give way.
Most days, I have been staring out through the dirty glass of my window. Looking at the bright blue sky and the colours of nature ever vibrant in the warmth of the spring sun. Watching the birds and wildlife... and me, seemingly unable to be part of it. The unclean glass serving as a fitting metaphor for my predicament. There is something in the way, and I have yet to be enlightened as to what it is. I want to live, but for such a while now, I only seem to be existing. I've been hiding under the duvet a lot this last week or so, hoping somehow that during sleep I will fade away, but no such luck. My dreams have been disturbing and unnerving, enough for me to continually snap out of sleep suddenly in a state of shock and disapointment. Stuck between two states I do not wish wish to be in. The limbo in-between only serving as some kind of glue.
I have been using the little energy I have on other people. It is this that keeps me going, as I feel other people are far more important than I am and deserve all the help I can give them. It makes me feel of use, and yet at the same time is drains me. Even a petrol pump needs a refill.
SG:
I hate the internet sometimes, and non more so than miscommunication via text/email.
It is so easy for people to take things the wrong way on here, and get the wrong impression of someone... especially if you make the effort to say more than one sentence. I'm sure I do it too on occasion, but I do my best to read between the lines.
Problem with the internet is that it is a few more steps removed from people's natural responses. Because of this divorce, often many can take some things that are said the wrong way, as tone of voice isn't a factor, and nor are facial expressions. Especially if you have a dry or weird sense of humour... that, and irony or fantastical statements can often be misconstrued as serious. There are only so many smilies you can use
All manner of ridiculous silly situations can arise from the tiniest of things.Since nearly dying last year, I've made some decisions on how I am with people now. I'm being far more open, and this is good sometimes, but unfortunately I seem to have not found a balance between talking too much and not at all... I'm over compensating you might say. I want to see more of the world, but only if I can visit someone in the process. My own company is no longer sustainable on the long term.
When I express myself, my thoughts or feelings a lot towards certain individuals online that I care about, it can (I have discovered the hard way), be misconstrued as a little OTT. I guess some people are suspicious when someone is being especially nice to them or something?
Maybe I should take a step back from all this, just so you know. I don't want any of you to feel I'm being rude if I don't comment or message you for a few days. But I will get back to you if you comment or message me asap.
As for me... the only thing that upsets me deeply, is if I have inadvertently made someone feel uncomfortable or upset. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. That is just not in my nature. I signed up to SG to make some friends, have some good conversation, and hoping that a select few would become real life friends.
I am much better with people in person. I love getting to know people properly, rather than in a fleeting sense. Meeting people on a one to one or in a small group is good. Big meets are not my thing as I feel anxious as hell!
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I guess the last thing I'd like to say is, play nice people to each other. If there are people on here making you feel odd for some reason, all you have to do is talk to them rather than ignore them, and I'm sure the storm will just be within the tea cup
My brain vomits on the keyboard yet again!
Maybe I cheated death last year, but I was meant to die? I certainly have felt a shadow of my former self for a long time.
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Sorry to have written such a sombre entry, but I've just needed to get this out.
These two songs by Buck 65 and Nick Cave sum up how I'm feeling pretty well I think.
I hope you all have a good weekend you good people.
Buck 65 - Suffering Machine
Lyrics
VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
There's cake and balloons and oodles of Buck 65 records
Yeah, I know Buck 65 well. Infact, my ex supported him a while back and got better feedback than Buck did. you might like his stuff: Theory - go have a listen, he's got his cd's for sale too, they're only 5 I think. Tell him I sent you
xxx
Sorry I didn't get back earlier. I guess I'm hoist by my own petard. I put out huge great big journals. People take one look and go: hmm, I'll come back later. hahaha. And then they write me a huge comment and I go: wow...I'll respond to that later.
Thanks muchas for the bulgarian choir. The whole of the track sampled by the GM is absolutely amazing. I've now been dishing that out in ample amounts to all my friends. It's really stunning. As for Sophia, I've got the first two albums, so I'll wang some samples over to you in the next few days.
As for Baraka, yeah it's amazing. The problem is now I've seen it many times and, unlike a lot of these films which simply lose their impact, I feel that this film has a cumulative weight. the clip i left with AL I find almost unbearably sad now. But it's so beautiful with the Dead Can Dance I thought she'd like it. I saw koyonnisquaatsi (sp!??!) first and that's amazing too. But I find Glass' music for that quite dated. Instead I watched the film to GSBE's F#A# infinity. I don't know if you've seen the film but if you'll have you'll appreciate this. As one of the most amazing synchronicities, I started the album I think about the start of the movie and it finished perfectly with the film. But not only that, but the final 5 mins of Koy, is the slo-mo of challenger exploding and debris falling to earth, at which point the music moved into the final seague of the last track, with the sample of that guy singing "where are we going?" over and over. It evoked one of the deepest, most meditative moments on human existence I've ever had! And I've had a few
So, yeah, hope you're well. I've just managed to bust my ankle for the second time this year. I bought a frisbee this afternoon to enjoy some "dog phenomenology" as one of my colleagues referred to it (! I thought that was pretty funny), and promptly bust my ankle.
So that's my leg laid up for the summer having just healed from last term where I bust it doing MMA.
I am a fucking liability
take it easy hombre