dinos

The following recent photographs pretty much sum up how I'm feeling
at the moment...

...and I have personally interpreted the images thus;

The never ending mysterious fog of London.


The warmth of a small glowing light dimly beaming out from the cold darkness.


Before hibernation from the world, the squirrels catch the last dregs of
warmth from the setting winter sun, as a bird watches from above.


Two birds do the same, while observing the metal bird above that is
speeding towards a new land.


The birds take heed of the metal giant, and migrate themselves
to a new world, far from this withering cesspool.


I stare at the final escape, wishing to be a stowaway.
Anywhere but here. Any time but now.





OK, I cannot keep this inside anymore, so I'm gonna write it all out here in as much a concise way as possible for me.

I have been putting off writing this in a blog, as I am aware there will be many people who will not understand it, for various reasons... but what the hell.

Basically, I had a nervous breakdown in Sept 2005. This happened due to life pressures, family dying around me, losing faith in my work, myself, and being mugged with a knife to my throat by 3 football thugs, plus the end of a 6 year relationship with the only girl I've ever truly fallen in love with. This all happened within weeks of each other. I suffered a period of post traumatic stress, then the much longer debilitating effects of social anxiety and depression for over this entire year.

I'm happy to say that things are getting better slowly, and I wouldn't have had the courage to sign up to SG to talk to new people if I wasn't at least feeling 'ok'. So, yeah, the last year has been hell, literally, what with attempted suicide, and being suicidal, especially earlier on this year, plus to cap it all off, a brain seizure in April this year (oh yeah! it all happens at once eh?) and for the first 6 months I was just a living wreck, a hollow shell of myself. So, to be honest, I really didn't think I would see the end of this year, and I very nearly didn't. But somehow, I'm not sure how, I have, and I think I can say I'm glad.

The main thing that is keeping me going is making others happy, as I'm still not really capable of doing that to myself yet. The only joy I get is knowing I have made a contribution, or I've been of use to someone else, more deserving than me. I guess it legitimizes my existence in a way. However, I think I am still overcompensating for things though, and maybe I come across as over familiar with new people when I write (please let me know if that's true or not, or just paranoia?).

So anyway, I have, I think quite naturally re-evaluated some ways I approach life. I used to be a little too reclusive. Now after facing death quite a few times over this past year, I realise how (energy permitting) every moment, and every opportunity to meet, talk to like minded people, and make new friends is very important. This partly explains why I am laying so much out here, and why I'm being so direct. I feel like I've a second shot at doing things a little differently, and to go with my instincts more. I think the only things I've decide on changing, is being more open with people, and not shying away from opportunities to meet and have relationships with nice people, and to listen to my natural instincts more.

With any crisis an individual goes through in their lives, there is a unique response to that crisis depending on the individual. Some people can climb a mountain like it's nothing, but may faint at the sight of a spider. We all have our own breaking points, and the triggers are as varied as nature itself. But as with all tragedies and losses, knowing the grief the individual in question is going through is almost impossible to fathom. We as outsiders can only but make the slightest guess of how an individual actually feels, and what he or she needs from his or her close friends to help them through. When we see someone have a physical accident, we identify more, as we can see the injury, like a broken arm or leg. We go "oooh, that must hurt". If you yourself have had a broken limb before, you will have a good idea of what it's like, and sympathize far more strongly, and more likely to help out in an accident situation. But if you haven't broken a bone before, you're more likely to go "ouch, that must've hurt...ok, now who wants to go for a pint!" No sympathy, just the slightest of empathy.
Emotional breakdown and depression is not visual. You cannot see the problem, and thus this is why it is still widely misunderstood and the behaviour misinterpreted by people who have never truly suffered. Up to a few months ago, talking for me for example was survival, literally. I had to talk, but I could not separate who and how much to talk to who or when, I just literally needed to talk, to get the confusion out of my head, to make some sense of the smallest thing that people every day take for granted... searching for life to have meaning enough for me to want to continue to be alive the next day. These are no exaggerations, these are very real, and every person suffering real depression needs to go through a similar thing. Having a bad week or feeling down in the dumps about stuff is nothing near the same planet as depression. People misuse the word depression in everyday life as flippantly as they use the word love... it's just the way we phase things. But saying for one day "Oh, I'm so depressed today" is an untruth. You're not, you are feeling down or fed up. You can't feel depressed for a day, and then wake up the next day, and feel fine. For a person suffering from depression at its most severe state, a bad day feels more like falling into volcanic lava in slow-motion as your flesh is burning and falling off your body, except this is happening in the mind, and it is no less real for it.


Anyway, I'm not sure whether any of this rings any bells with any of you out there, or if I have inadvertently done the wrong thing here by mentioning all this.

On a personal note, this may sound a little odd and possibly vague, but I feel I have no longer any use for keeping knowledge and skills I have accumulated over the years to myself. Actually, I feel like giving it all away to anyone who wants any of it I can't really do it online, as I find it only works one to one with someone. If I could lift it all into a box and send it all to a person of of my choice, I would.

So, yes... that's it. PHEW!!
.............................................
I'm glad to be here on SG, as there are many lovely people around, and it's great to see the warmth, kindness, and variety of individual experiences, views on life, and humour of people come through. I don't mean to sound soppy, but I'm predisposed to caring I suppose, partly maybe as I have a disabled younger brother. He has taught me many things about life and people's emotions and behaviour over the years, just from me having to be hyper aware of his feelings.

At this time of year I become my alter ego Santa Dinos... and randomly send gifts to people I like a lot, no matter how well I know them. Yeah, unusual I know, but that's me. I could be dead tomorrow, so what's the sense in being a Scrooge is what I say!

I do hope everyone has the happiest Xmas and New Year!...
...and I'll do my best to have the same too. xxxxx


The following is a day in the life circa March 2006, the day I saw a supposedly trained Psychiatrist.

This is a lighter read and you can almost laugh at my expense!
Features my experience in a McDonalds for the 1st time in 6 years,
...an excerpt from a radio talk show on the change in violent crime in the last decade, ...and the psych cross examination itself.
(prepare for your stereotypes to be reinforced!!)