Nerd Community Mourns Loss of One of Their Own. Sort of.
The local roleplaying community suffered a tragic loss (sort of) this week, when forever-virgin Jeffrey Dunham was whisked away to, and subsequently killed in, another dimension. Dunham was a well-known, heavily picked on uber-dork who ran the “Roleplayers Gone Wild” website, where sweaty, basement-dwelling neckbeards gather to gawk at chubby nerd girls who show...
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CIA to Test Different Methods of Interrogation
For years, the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) has used harsh methods for interrogating prisoners. The most commonly referred to method, though not necessarily the most often used or most effective, is the waterboarding. When waterboarding, one places a rag over a person's breathing passages and pours water over them, giving them the sensation and thrill of drowning on...
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N3 Exclusive: Scientists Determine Humans Ages 0 – 25 Are, in Fact, Stupid
For as long as humans have been aware of their place in the food chain, we’ve believed we are the pinnacle of the evolutionary ladder. However, scientists at Harvard and Stanford have proven that only humans over the age of 25 can technically be considered superior to other life forms on this...
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Pokémon Go Takes World by Storm, Everyone Less Fat
Niantic Labs, creator of the popular smartphone game Ingress, has secretly worked closely with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to create a new take on the wildly popular Pokémon series with the new smartphone app “Pokémon Go.” Together, the game designers and the many doctors employed by the DHHS concocted a scheme to...
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Black Lives Matter Movement Strikes Back
Dallas, TX – A sniper rained black justice upon officers of the Dallas Police Force during an anti-police march on Thursday. A young African American male (who remains unidentified) was recorded exclaiming he wished harm upon members of the Dallas Police Department, specifically white cops. This was in retaliation to the separate back-to-back killings (or, as the Black Lives...
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And now for your weekly dose of "I'm going to Hell for laughing at this."
Terrorist Attack Fails to Reach High Score
A terrorist attack rocked Istanbul’s Ataturk Airport, Tuesday, leaving 41 dead and at least 239 injured, but still better looking than Zika babies. Reports are still sketchy, and none of the known terrorist cells have claimed responsibility, but the profile seems to implicate...
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I'm probably going to Hell for this. Note, these are NOT my actual views. This is satire.
Feminists Wail for Equality, Take it Back
For decades, feminists have rightfully demanded equality with their male counterparts. In the past, the movement has achieved the right to vote, pay equality, and, more recently, the ability to qualify for combat roles in the Armed Forces. Yet the feminist...
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Area “Tweeter” Threatens to Delete Account, Hang Self
Area man Michael Hunter Jefferson (a.k.a. @MikeHuntJeff on Twitter) has threatened deletion of all forms of social media if he “doesn’t get one follower by the end of the week.” In an era of sharing every facet of one’s life on social media sites (such as Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram), television and movie celebrities, sports icons, and...
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US Law Enforcement to Change Rules of the Road
We've all been behind, trying to get to work, or late for that new Fifty Shades of Gray movie because some dickmouth in a beat up old Chevy Impala with rusted out fenders in front of us just wouldn't fucking “GO!!!” More and more traffic stoppages are occurring nationwide because the elderly behind the wheel are...
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Debate Sparked Over Death of Zoo Gorilla
Cincinnati, OH – Arguments between PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and the Cincinnati Zoo directorship are in full swing after the killing of an exhibit gorilla this weekend. It began with an asshole 3 year old screwing around while his inattentive parents completely ignored his horsing around an imminent fall into the zoo's ape habitat....
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