Inauguration 2017: A Day to Remember

Forget, for a moment, that President - yes, America, PRESIDENT - Trump is the offspring of baboon, or that he has zero political experience, or that he has a strange bromance with Russian President Vladimir Putin, and even the fact that he won the election with his patented "grab her by the pussy" slam finishing move on former Secretary Hillary Rodham...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
deuteranopia:
@shake_the_disease It seems my point was inadvertently proven!
jozsef:
It's astonishing to me, although it shouldn't be, that Americans know as little about NAFTA as Canadians generally do. It has nothing to do with free trade and everything to do with Canada relinquishing power to unelected tribunals of foreign corporate stooges. They adjudicate disputes for the benefit of US corporations. It is now illegal for the Canadian government to prefer a Canadian company when awarding any contract and when we begin to run short of oil, gas or water, we will be obligated to sell the same percentage of our supply to the US at the old price in perpetuity, irrespective of what Canadians are having to pay for these resources at the time. We are allowing the use of toxic and carcinogenic gasoline additives and other products which are banned in the US because corporations have the right to sue for lost profits if anything is banned for reasons as trivial as health and safety. NAFTA is a bill of rights for corporations that cements their dominance over elected governments. I know this sounds like something that you might have made up. I wish it was. Imagine how I feel when Canadians fret over "losing" NAFTA.

Six Hour Traffic Jam Blamed on Temporary Amnesia

Ottawa, IL - A nearly six hour traffic jam that stopped up ten major intersections yesterday has been blamed on the common occurrence of temporary driver's amnesia. Temporary driver's amnesia, often referred to as TDA, is when a driver at the head of traffic stops at a red light and, through the magical boredom that ensues...
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jozsef:
First Drumph and now this. Troubling times indeed.

Martian Lutheran King Day

People all over the United States of America took time, on Monday, to celebrate the coming of our Lord and Savior, the wise and benevolent Martian Lutheran King. In January of 1867, the skies lit up and marked the coming of Ogg-L'opp Or-Gûlain, a Martian monk who crash landed in Salt Lake City, Utah. Our Savior came with a message...
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user8992:
😮

Local Wizard Carries Grim Warning

Albuquerque, NM - Area man Lucius Fireborne, a purveyor of fine aborted fetal material and local wizard, came to KRQE broadcasting station with a grave message from the future:

“I have traveled through time,” he warns. “And found nothing but ruin and poorly made taco salads.”

Through an incantation that allowed Lucius to leap forward in time, he was able to...
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jozsef:
Time travel is implausible but the rest of it isn't.

Trump: Not "The President Who Was Promised"

While there are still thousands of rabid supporters of a Donald Trump America, many of the once-fanatical voters are changing their tune as their president-elect makes foundational changes to the way things are done. Many of his once staunch supporters now realize he is not Azor Ahai, The President Who Was Promised.

"It's that damned Red Woman...
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jozsef:
You're just being picky. If you look hard enough you can always find something to criticize. 

The N3's New Year's Resolution

Here at the Neitzel News Network, we take our news seriously. Therefore, for our New Year's resolution, we've decided we're going to be even more up-to-date, historically accurate, unbiased, and totally not fake at all than we've ever been in our 1.25 year existence. In keeping with half of that resolution, we wanted...
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EDIT: Few days late since I spent NYE drinking and... drinking more.

Concern Hatches Over Hatchimal Toys

Little Jennifer Baumgardener, six year old daughter of Jaina Baumgardener of Kansas City, MO, awoke the day after Christmas to a sinister voice next to her bed. The voice whispered "Let's murder your parents and wear their skin as suits..." Little Jennifer shrugged off the voice at...
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Terror in the Skies

Terror struck Afriqiya Airways flight 8U209, this Friday morning, when two men of Middle Eastern descent hijacked the aircraft as it left Libya. The hijackers, armed with explosive jackets and laden with giant purple dildos, threatened to blow up the plane and leave the bodies of dead passengers in what they called "revealing and suggestive positions" with the floppy phallic devices...
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jozsef:
Purveyors of anti semitic foodstuff come January will receive the newly minted medal of honor from der Drumpenfuehrer. Finally, the end of political correctness in our time. 
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Disney Proves Star Wars Isn't One-Trick Pony

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story opened in theaters across the world (except China, because fuck those squinty-eyed Commies. Wait - they make all our shit? Uh... Fuck Disney for not releasing it in the wonderful land of cheaply made technology, shoes, and moo shu chicken!), this weekend, and earned a staggering $155 million in North America, $290...
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user8992:
I'm still stuck on harpoon of jizz lol.. you are a nut silly mister 😜lol
jozsef:
A lot of this is funny as hell (and if you've been there you will know that the place is a hoot. Also, it never snows, which is another plus.) I just wish you would stop with the pee pee caca references already. Good heavens, we're not all five here. Some of us even have driver's licences and in fact I even have my own car, thanks to dad leaving it to me, although he had indicated that the next door neighbor's cat might be more deserving. Thankfully, blood ties won out over big eyes and cute fur so that now I have an asset worth well in excess of a thousand dollars. I think I may be digressing a bit. What was I saying? Whatever it was, I meant every word and don't you forget it. Leave that part to me.
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The Alt-Right Strikes Back

The Galactic Republic was rocked today when the Internet was flooded with anti-Star Wars sentiment. Basement dwelling white supremacists the world over banded together to lash out against the historical documents called Star Wars with their hashtagged #DumpStarWars. Star Wars, a historical retelling of totally true events that happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, documents the...
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