Italy to Punish Veganistic Parents

Debate was sparked in the rustic township of Turin, Italy, when Mayor Chiara Appendino announced her town would be the world’s first “vegan town.” An opposing politician named Elvira Savino fought her tooth and nail, announcing a law that would make raising children on a vegan diet a punishable crime.

Veganism, which was coined in 1944 by Donald Watson...
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Olympics in Full Swing

The Games are on in Rio de Janeiro this summer, and already the US has pulled in 52 medals (21 gold). Legendary swimmer Michael Phelps, who looks like the spawn of Abe Vigoda and Bea Arthur after being born in a vat of hydrochloric acid, won his 22nd gold medal Thursday night, bringing a smile to his probably-unsatisfied, and strangely attractive...
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Nerd Community Mourns Loss of One of Their Own. Sort of.

The local roleplaying community suffered a tragic loss (sort of) this week, when forever-virgin Jeffrey Dunham was whisked away to, and subsequently killed in, another dimension. Dunham was a well-known, heavily picked on uber-dork who ran the “Roleplayers Gone Wild” website, where sweaty, basement-dwelling neckbeards gather to gawk at chubby nerd girls who show...
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CIA to Test Different Methods of Interrogation

For years, the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) has used harsh methods for interrogating prisoners. The most commonly referred to method, though not necessarily the most often used or most effective, is the waterboarding. When waterboarding, one places a rag over a person's breathing passages and pours water over them, giving them the sensation and thrill of drowning...
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N3 Exclusive: Scientists Determine Humans Ages 0 – 25 Are, in Fact, Stupid

For as long as humans have been aware of their place in the food chain, we’ve believed we are the pinnacle of the evolutionary ladder. However, scientists at Harvard and Stanford have proven that only humans over the age of 25 can technically be considered superior to other life forms on this...
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amberetta:
LOL 0-25, you can't judge babies for knowing nothing hahaha! 
deuteranopia:
@amberetta The damn I can't! Babies are fucking dumb!

Pokémon Go Takes World by Storm, Everyone Less Fat

Niantic Labs, creator of the popular smartphone game Ingress, has secretly worked closely with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to create a new take on the wildly popular Pokémon series with the new smartphone app “Pokémon Go.” Together, the game designers and the many doctors employed by the DHHS concocted a scheme...
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Black Lives Matter Movement Strikes Back

Dallas, TX – A sniper rained black justice upon officers of the Dallas Police Force during an anti-police march on Thursday. A young African American male (who remains unidentified) was recorded exclaiming he wished harm upon members of the Dallas Police Department, specifically white cops. This was in retaliation to the separate back-to-back killings (or, as the Black Lives Matter...
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And now for your weekly dose of "I'm going to Hell for laughing at this."

Terrorist Attack Fails to Reach High Score

A terrorist attack rocked Istanbul’s Ataturk Airport, Tuesday, leaving 41 dead and at least 239 injured, but still better looking than Zika babies. Reports are still sketchy, and none of the known terrorist cells have claimed responsibility, but the profile seems...
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I'm probably going to Hell for this. Note, these are NOT my actual views. This is satire.

Feminists Wail for Equality, Take it Back

For decades, feminists have rightfully demanded equality with their male counterparts. In the past, the movement has achieved the right to vote, pay equality, and, more recently, the ability to qualify for combat roles in the Armed Forces. Yet the...
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Area “Tweeter” Threatens to Delete Account, Hang Self

Area man Michael Hunter Jefferson (a.k.a. @MikeHuntJeff on Twitter) has threatened deletion of all forms of social media if he “doesn’t get one follower by the end of the week.” In an era of sharing every facet of one’s life on social media sites (such as Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram), television and movie...
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