daysofgrace13ben

My fucking God am I pathetic. I am so fucking socially inept. I read so much into nothing and because of that I usually end up looking like an asshole. I am so afraid to just take simple little chances. Like if I do the world is gonna end. Ever since my last girlfriend left me I've become literally terrified of any attractive woman. Yes she did really leave me fucked up but I really had no clue how bad she did. My whole perception of reality has changed. I went from thinking I was somewhat attractive to believing I am ugly and fat and have a huge double chin. I really am not fat nor do I have a double chin yet every time I am near a woman I am interested in I suddenly believe it. I think I have dirt on my face or something in my teeth or nose. I simply cannot even say a word--I simply am to afraid to say hi. Breathing becomes difficult and I suddenly hate myself and hear over and over in my head that I am not good enough for this woman and have no chance with her and if I show interest in her she will think I am trying to stalk her. Everything is so fucking irrational. I never had this problem before but right now it is consuming me. For example I don't have to be interested in a woman I just believe in my head that I am simply not good enough to even talk to her----so I don't. The bottom line is that I need to have some belief in my self and be willing to take a simple chance or a risk but I simply cannot. I am fucking pathetic. I want to cry-hell I have cried. I really don't Know if this is a mental disorder or what the fuck it is. All I know is that I think I am really cracking up and falling apart. This is so weird. I have always been shy but nothing ever like this. I do not know what to do so right now I'm gonna drink myself to sleep and for the first time in my life I may actually pray. Well I really hope that everybody out there is doing better than I am at this moment. So as as always peace to all and hopefully one day peace forever. And an end to all of our suffering and misery----sorry I sound like a priest meets Gregg Graffin. Good night.