so, last weekend I was in italy again, per invitation of that cute girl I had seen at Decadence in July...
We'd been writing on facebook almost daily, and she invited me to come over for another party called Obscene - a bit more tame, but faster music, which we both like.
It was a wonderful party... we danced for most of the night, she introduced me to every single friend of hers and her "BFF" declared me being 'grande'. We hugged very long when we said goodbye in the morning.
And then, ta-da, when saying good night when I was on my train, and just wrote I do quite like her, I got friendzoned.
All I can imagine it's because she thinks it's impractical since I live 10 fucking hours away, and don't speak the language (i'm taking a class already, tsk).
It hurt quite a bit but I thought I'd be ok. Then today I looked at a picture of hers and noticed my heart getting jumpy. So, appears, I thought I'm flirting, but I was long past that? This evening two days ago!!! she's looking darn good but mostly it's her smile when she's dancing. I also love her hair, her voice, her name (I edited that out now, but I still DO love the name), and to put cherry on top: me who always thought I could never deal with a hot-tempered woman completely adore it.
I didn't get any tingles to give me a heads-up, but admittedly... I did go to Decadence three times just on the chance I run into her again (and because of the music, like I wrote a dozen times by now)...
And I did sign of for facebook to find her when she wasn't there in december. I never wanted to be on facebook. A yeah, and that italian class. Ugh. So maybe it was a bit "high" interest on my end. Anyway, I didn't notice...
And now?
I mean, it is very nice that she wants to be friends, I can appreciate that this is nice - and the invitation was just awesome, I even got to look at the Ferrari stores & museum @ maranello as we passed (oh and she had engine parts on her shelf...)
Yet: I am utterly destroyed.
I do know she likes me. Otherwise she'd not have remembered me after months, she'd not have been pissed off second time we met and found we got no common language, and yeah she'd not have been smiling at the exact fucking place I was dancing at, on that very photo on facebook where I finally found her. And she'd not have said thanks for the effort for digging her out.
So, I kinda pray she's done this "rational thing" --- "oh this can't work, he's miles away and we can't talk". (it's what she told her friend, who answered something on the lines of "are you single or what", I could understand that much with ease). But I also know there's a quite good chance she'll tell herself how impossible this is often enough to quickly end it. Or maybe all of what I noticed means nothing (except that convo) and she just thinks I'm a cool guy to be friends with. (Please no, haha)
I think I'm gonna offer her a bet... If I speak fluent italian by end of year, we go for dinner. I can do it and I would love to - because I can see she is a super nice person. and because apparently I'm in love anyway. And what else is there for me to do?!!
One thing is certain, this has gone from "interesting" to "thinking of her at night and when I wake" so a "lets be friends" is not gonna work AT ALL.
All I replied was "well, sounds like an OK first step", as if "I like you as a friend" isn't the most horrible thing you can ever hear.
Tell me I'm an asshole, or that my nose is too ugly, I'll be just fine, thank you. But not this.
Anyway. This was 5 times more verbose than it should be.
Why is life weird?
Because I'm also starting a company with a friend. I just paid the down payment for our own OFFICE, and all the people for the board of governors seem to be signed up and we got a perfect logo and we got customers and I'll be doing a game-changing talk at a conference and this is all quite cool. Seems it'll be a success and an insanely big step forward in my life.
I just can't fucking care right now.
Also, I'm damn glad I got this place here to throw out some really honest thing. It's not about anonymity. It's just that SG is a place where we are all allowed to strip naked. I got too much belly, so I strip the soul for you ;-)
Also, if I may give some advice if you ever deal with a guy like me:
Friendzone them a few days later. At least he'd be able happy for that short time. Fear is trivial compared to being shot down within a minute. this way you keep nothing but a broken dream. In germany we say "hope is the last thing to die" - and without it, there is really nothing left to keep you going but your stamina. And that sucks. A bit of prolonged hope is much better than not even being allowed to hope. (and if you respect women, saying no is slightly not-being-allowed-to-hope-ish)